Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 08/11/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S LIKE THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD.  IF THE LITTLE ENGINE JUST WENT AROUND UTEP AND DOWNTOWN WHILE PARTYING AND GETTING DRUNK – The final pieces of rail will be placed in the downtown El Paso trolley circuit and we are that much closer to bringing back the trolleys to El Paso.  What once seemed like a dream is becoming reality as the trolley project finishes up the hard part of laying the rail and now focuses on the overhead lines and the beta testing of the trolley in the coming months.  The trolleys will hopefully be back in business in a year or so and the anticipation is growing.  To celebrate the placement of the final pieces of track, the public was invited to a celebration at Franklin and Stanton earlier this week where they were allowed to write a message on the track.  If no one drew a giant penis on the track I will be severely disappointed.  (cbs4local.com)

I HOPE THEY ALLOW HORSES ON THE NEW SUPER TRANS-EL PASO TRAIL PROJECT.  I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO PARTY DOWNTOWN AND THEN RIDE MY HORSE BACK TO THE LOWER VALLEY LIKE THEY DID IN THE GOOD OL’ DAYS – The Paso del Norte Health Foundation is pushing forward with what has been a dream project for many over the years, to create a linear trail that runs the length of El Paso County and connects parks and public amenities from one side of the county to the other.  The best plan would be to create a master trail along the Rio Grande, like they have in New Mexico, but America’s xenophobic, overkill protectionist tendencies would never allow that.  So the next best thing is to try to use the existing canal, gas and electrical easements in the county to try and create a nice pedestrian path that everyone can use.  The project is still in the planning stage and is gathering public input, but the Paso del Norte Health Foundation has already done some great work with the Lower Valley canal trail project.  Now all we need to do is make sure they create a true master trail that allows not only pedestrians and bicyclists, but also horses and skateboards!  (kfoxtv.com)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SILVA’S SUPER MARKET.  YOU ARE, AND WILL ALWAYS BE, THE BEST PLACE TO BUY MD 20/20S AND BOONE’S – Congratulations go out to Silva’s Super Market for thriving in the tough independent grocery business for 99 years.  Silva’s was opened by Jose Felix and Elvira Silva back in 1918 and has been one of the cornerstone businesses in the Segundo Barrio ever since.  In addition to being an awesome family-owned grocery store, their parking lot is also one of the best places to park after hours if you plan on walking over to Juarez for a night out on the town!  (elpasoproud.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

YOU MIGHT THINK AN ISLAND PARADISE LIKE THE MALDIVES HAS FEW PROBLEMS ……. BUT IT HAS BIG PROBLEMS! – The Maldives is one of those island nations that will be heavily hit by rising sea levels and global warming in the future.  All of its islands are practically at sea level and any rise in the ocean will be devastating to the country.  In the meantime, however, the country is dealing with crazy political drama involving ex-dictators, skeevy votes, demonstrations, coups and plain ol’ corruption.  It’s like if Venezuela and Kenya had a tropical paradise baby!  So if you want to know more about the often ignored Maldivian political drama involving President Abdulla Yameen, ex-president Mohamed Nasheed and ex-dictator Maumoon Abdul Gayoom – please read this great BBC article on the ex- British colony.  It’s everything you ever wanted to know about the Maldives but were afraid to ask!  (bbc.com)

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT PIGS CAN’T DO?  IT ALMOST MAKES ME FEEL BAD THAT THEY’RE SO DELICIOUS – We are one step closer to getting all our transplant organs from pigs and doing away with transplant waiting lists that fuel the global organ trafficking rackets.  Scientists at eGenesis have genetically modified pigs to eliminate viruses that hide in the piggy DNA.  The scientists identified and removed 25 Pervs (porcine endogenous retroviruses) from pig genes using Crispr gene-editing technology then used cloning methods to create embryos that led to 37 healthy pigs being born.  Pervs are capable of “escaping” and infecting human cells so this is a major step in creating safe pig/human organs.  There are still plenty of steps to making this a reality, but sometime in the near future many people will be saved by pig organs!  If a pig saves my life, I might just give up bacon as a sign of respect.  (bbc.com)

DONALD TRUMP AND KM JONG UN ARE BOTH IDIOT MAN-CHILDREN.  IT LOOKS LIKE THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS NOW AT THE HANDS OF K-POP SINGERS, THE ONLY RATIONAL PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE NORTH KOREA MISSILE CLUSTERFUCK – It’s good to see that even though the leaders of North Korea and the U.S. are busy having an idiotic dick measuring contest, there are still some people trying to face this in a way that won’t kill hundreds of thousands of people.  Korean musicians are coming together for the annual peace concerts that occur next to the Demilitarized Zone and even the current tension filled climate won’t stop them from holding their concerts at the foot of North Korea.  Kudos to the organizers and performers for having more courage and bigger balls than Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.  Let’s see what other stupid shit the morons say in the safety of their highly secure facilities surrounded by military protection.  (bbc.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 08/04/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE PLAZA CLASSIC FILM FESTIVAL IS UPON US!  TIME TO TAKE OUT YOUR FANCY MONOCLE TO WATCH FANCY CLASSIC FILMS AND YOUR FISHNET STOCKINGS TO WATCH THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW – The Plaza Classic Film Festival has already started and continues through next weekend.  This year the festival features some great classic movies, tons of local films, cult classics and honored guests including Don Bluth, Kathleen Turner and Richard Dreyfuss.  So get some time off from work and try to enjoy as much of the Plaza Classic Film Festival as you can.  I recommend the Don Bluth retrospective, Jaws, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Secret of NIMH, any of the silent films and Snow White.  (plazaclassic.com)

INCOMPETENT AUSTIN JUDGE CALLS IN SICK ON THE DAY SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE AN IMPORTANT DECISION THAT’S COSTING EL PASO TAXPAYERS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN DELAYS.  A DECISION SHE HAD MORE THAN A WEEK TO PREPARE.  EVEN A FRY COOK AT MCDONALDS WOULD HAVE THE DECENCY NOT TO CALL IN SICK THE DAY THEY’RE UPGRADING THE FRYER – Judge Amy Clark Meachum is way in over her head and even she has acknowledged that she probably has no authority to settle the downtown multipurpose arena dispute and that she was just dragged into a political battle.  But still, you think she would at least stay true to her word and at least release a statement about how the City can proceed with whatever they want to do because a random judge in Austin has no fucking authority to determine where and what is the definition of an “El Paso arena”.  So now we must wait for a written decision on Monday to determine if “sports” can be played in a “multi-purpose” arena that will inevitably be appealed because the judge has no real authority to determine any of this.  And Max Grossman lives to grandstand another day.  He won’t be happy until they build a statue of him with poor Mexican peasants bowing at his feet.  At this point, I would applaud the City of El Paso if they just tore down all the dilapidated buildings in Union Plaza and built a giant parking lot.  (kvia.com)

PICKS UP FOR ALL THE UTEP MINERS PAST AND PRESENT IN THE WORLD TRACK AND FIELD CHAMPIONSHIPS – Good luck to all the current and past UTEP Miners who will be representing their respective countries at this weekend’s World Track and Field Championships in London.  Five athletes with UTEP connections will be at the meet, including Emmanuel Korir, Tobi Amusan, Greta Kerekes, Blessing Okagbare and Churandy Martina.  Good luck, Miners!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

FUTBALL CLUB THAT OUTSPENDS COMPETITION BY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN ORDER TO GET UPPER HAND GETS BUTT-HURT WHEN IT GETS A TASTE OF ITS OWN MEDICINE AND GOES UP AGAINST A CLUB WITH EVEN MORE MONEY.  STOP WHINING, BARCELONA, NOBODY CARES – Brazilian futball star Neymar is set to move from Barcelona to Paris St. Germain for a world record fee, but not without a hissy fit tantrum from Barcelona.  Neymar is set to pay over $200 million for his buyout clause to leave Barcelona and this is all just a formality, but Barcelona will drag this out via “FIFA financial fair play” and try to get some concessions out of the deal.  Nobody really gives a rat’s ass about Barcelona’s complaints because the fucking team wipes its ass with “financial play” year after year when it outspends the vast majority of La Liga by millions and millions of dollars.  It must really suck getting a taste of your own medicine, Barcelona.  Maybe if they stopped fellating Messi after every fucking game (even the ones that were won because of Neymar!), Barcelona wouldn’t be losing one of their key players.  (bbc.com)

IT’S HOT AND SMOKY IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST.  I MEAN REALLY HOT AND REALLY SMOKY.  HOT AND SMOKY LIKE THE PITS OF HELL, NOT REGULAR HOT AND SMOKY – An odd weather pattern has led to record temperatures in the Pacific Northwest, with places like Portland recording record temperatures above 100 degrees Fahrenheit.  In addition, fires in the region have created a large amount of smoke leading to the perfect storm of horrible conditions for any living organism that has lungs.  Meanwhile in El Paso, the temps were below 90, the sky was blue and the late afternoon had a few pleasant showers that cooled us down at night – yet someone will still find a reason to bitch and complain about El Paso.  But don’t worry about Cascadia, the smoke and heat didn’t destroy their craft beer so it will go back to being cloudy, rainy, temperate, chilled, relaxed and awesome very soon.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

SOMETIMES RICH PEOPLE ACTUALLY GET PUNISHED WHEN THEY DO HORRIBLE THINGS.  LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES – Martin Shkreli is one of the biggest cunts in the universe who is best known for skeevy financial practices and raising the price on cheap drugs to astronomical rates once his company took over full control of the drug.  He made money off of desperate, suffering people and for that he will burn in hell.  In the meantime he has been found guilty of securities fraud and will at least get some form of punishment for being a scumbag criminal.  Sure, he was acquitted of a few of the major charges against him but at least he was found guilty of something.  Like most Wall Street cunts, he will not learn a damn thing from this and will continue making money by exploiting others.  Who knows, he might be president someday.  But hopefully Lucifer calls him up before that happens.  (cnbc.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 07/28/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

WORLD’S WORT FUNDRAISING ORGANIZATION ASKS GOVERNMENT FOR MORE MONEY BECAUSE IT’S NOT GOOD AT FUNDRAISING – One of the more absurd items in the El Paso 2012 Quality of Life Bond vote was the Mexican American Cultural Center.  No one in the city actually wanted this thing, since El Paso is like 99% Mexican, and the last thing we need is a fucking building to stroke our ego.  But certain “Latino Champions of the People” in City Hall pushed for this asinine project in order to come off as “leaders” for the “poor Latino masses of El Paso”.  The project was so pointless that only a few million was earmarked for the project in the hopes that it would be built quickly like the Digital Wall (remember that project) and then forgotten and placed on the back burner.  The “activists” kept on bitching, however, and the project ballooned in scope and will now wrap around the Abraham Chavez Theatre like some sort of government parasite and will cost tens of millions of dollars.  Part of this compromise for expansion involved a non-profit formed by the “activists” and “Latino Champions of the People” that would spearhead the project and raise millions of dollars to match the increased funding the city was willing to put up.  Naturally, the idiots were incompetent and managed to not only fail at fundraising but actually lost money in the process.  But at least a couple of dumbasses got some cash for being “executive directors” and “board members” and to pretend to raise money.  So now the people in charge of fundraising are giving up and just asking the city to give them all the money to complete their dream project that no one really wants.  Fuck, it’s not like the idiots running this thing know anything about real Mexican American culture.  Just paint a mural with some Aztecs on the side of some random building and put up pictures of Cesar Chavez inside and they can pretend to be enlightened Latino warriors.  Heaven forbid the city use tens of millions of dollars for important things like roads and public safety.  (kvia.com)

TXDOT IS FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO FIXING THE REST OF I-10 ASIDE FROM THE AREA AROUND UTEP.  ALTHOUGH TXDOT ALREADY KNOWS HOW THEY ARE GOING TO SCREW THINGS UP, THEY’RE STILL HOLDING MEETINGS TO HEAR THE PUBLIC’S INPUT AS THEY ROLL THEIR EYES – The “Reimagine I-10” feasibility study is the latest public input project from txdot to go along with their “Go 10” project and every other project that they come up with every few years with “10” in the title.  They are asking for public input on how to improve multiple segments of the I-10 corridor from the New Mexico state line to the Fabens/Clint area, so if you have a concern with I-10 (don’t we all) go to the public meetings and let them know your great idea.  If enough people bug them, txdot might actually do something about it.  As long as they add more freeway access points (especially between Zaragoza and Lee Trevino), and make sure the Gateway has full connectivity over the entire length of the freeway the project should be moderately successful.  And would it kill them to finally connect Pendale under the freeway along with all those other streets that awkwardly end at the freeway and then pick up on the other side?  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

AT THIS RATE, ONE DAY CHICO THE CHIHUAHUA WILL BE ON THE OFFICIAL CITY LOGO GLEEFULLY RIDING A WRECKING BALL WITH NO CLOTHES – If you like corn mazes AND Chico the Chihuahua, we have some great news for you.  It has just been announced that the official theme for the upcoming La Union Maze will be the El Paso Chihuahuas and feature Chico’s giant head right in the middle.  So if you just can’t get enough of Chico now you’ll be able to get lost inside him ……. okay, that sounded weird but the maze promises to be cool and PG-rated.  So go check out the maze come Autumn and support drunkenly wandering around corn fields and anthropomorphic dogs who sell you cheap beer on Thursdays.  El Paso loves Chico the Chihuahua almost as much as it loves booze!  (kvia.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

LOST AMONG THE DAILY SHUFFLE OF NEWS ITEMS, IS THE PLIGHT OF THE PEOPLE OF YEMEN AND THEIR ONGOING SAUDI-INFLUENCED CIVIL WAR.  THIS IS US ATTEMPTING TO GATHER ATTENTION FOR THIS IMPORTANT NEWS STORY.  PLEASE READ – The BBC just published an excellent report by Orla Guerin on all the problems being faced by civilians in Yemen that their government is trying to sweep under the rug.  The conflict in Yemen between the government and Houthi rebels has been going on for 2 years and it has not helped that Saudi Arabia has decided to use the situation to project its “power” in the region and make things that much worse.  Although North Korea, Russia, Venezuela, Brexit and random terrorist stories get most of the limelight when it comes to international news in America – the situation in Yemen is something that more people should know about.  The sanitation and medical issues facing civilians in the country are massive and it’s possible that Cholera will end up killing more of the population than guns or bombs.  If more people pay attention maybe the US government and UN will focus a little more attention on the Saudi-led clusterfuck in Yemen.  (bbc.com)

TURNS OUT KIDS AND YOUNGER GENERATIONS AREN’T REALLY BETTER AT USING TECHNOLOGY THAN EVERYONE ELSE.  THEY JUST THINK THEY ARE BETTER AT IT THAN EVERYONE ELSE.  THANKS TO SCIENCE WE NOW KNOW THAT ALL GENERATIONS ARE JUST AS FULL OF SHIT AS EVERYONE ELSE – “Digital Natives” was a term coined by trendy educators a few decades ago to imply that children that grow up with computers and new technology develop super powers that let them adapt and learn those new technologies faster than everyone else and in the process need to be taught differently because they can magically multi-task better than everyone else.  Turns out that whole “digital native millennial magic” idea was a bunch of crap.  Research by Paul Kirschner from the Open University in the Netherlands shows that the “digital native” idea is mostly a myth and that all people learn and deal with technology in similar ways and that major changes in educating young people in relation to technology is not particularly effective.  To summarize, just because your fucking kid can play a video game on a tablet does not mean they are fucking geniuses who will one day become tech billionaires and thus need “special treatment” at school.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

SO ……. STEVE BANNON SUCKS HIS OWN COCK – This week Donald Trump continued to be a complete, fucking cunt and failed miserably in regards to ending Obamacare, fell deeper into the Russia pit as well as saying many stupid ass things as usual.  But nothing sums the incompetence of the Donald Trump team more than the hiring of Anthony Scaramucci who then proceeded to talk to a reporter and go on the record with a profanity-laced rant against “leakers” and the White House staff that included the horrible mental image of Steve Bannon engaging in self-fellatio.  Donald Trump is a true role model for the country and the evangelicals in the red states should be proud that they voted for him.  Some people say that the Scaramucci hire and rant was part of an elaborate distraction campaign to cover up the Obamacare fiasco and the additional Russia news that came out this week, but that’s giving these idiots wayyyyyyyy too much credit.  (bbc.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 07/23/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S MONSOONAGEDDON 2017!  EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES – The yearly monsoon has taken up residence in the western part of North America and that means vital rain has come to Paso del Norte and the surrounding Mogollon region.  While the rain is a welcome sign in the desert, sometimes too much of it can cause problems for some people that bought houses that were built on top of arroyos or flood plains.  Naturally, the local media lives for making mountains out of mole hills and decided to turn a sinkhole on the Westside and the yearly flooding in Socorro into end of the world front page news.  Though hats off to KDBC for going beyond the absurd and turning some random resident’s idiotic suggestion to bring in the National Guard to protect 5 houses into the main scope of the story.  This is the equivalent of a child asking for Superman’s help because he dropped his ice cream on the floor and then KDBC running a headline that reads, “Superman Expected To Help Children In El Paso Soon!  How Will Duranguito React?”.  So enjoy the rain and never buy a house that was built on land that used to be an arroyo or a flood plain.  Just because you can bulldoze over an arroyo, doesn’t mean that it should be bulldozed.  (kvia.com / cbs4local.com)

ONE DAY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD WILL HAVE A LAWSUIT OR SOME SORT OF LEGAL PROCEEDING PENDING AGAINST BILLY ABRAHAM – Billy Abraham continues to be his old skeevy self and nothing will ever change him.  Billy Abraham literally killed someone and went to prison and he’s back with crazy business transactions and conflicts with the government within months of his release.  The latest instance of Billy Abraham being Billy Abraham has a state judge accusing Billy of perjury and other things for allegedly trying to get one of his friends to lie to the court over the exact date the elevator at the Toltec Building was shut down.  The elevator in his building was never going to be repaired, so a normal person would have just shut down the elevator on the date ordered by the government and try to make any necessary changes to keep at least part of the building habitable.  Or better yet, just sell the damn building if you can’t afford to fix it.  That’s not the Billy Abraham way, so instead he kept the elevator running and tried to get his elevator repairman friend to lie about the dates and the working status of the elevator in a court setting.  And just to make things wackier, he involved his mom in the entire communication chain that got him in trouble with the judge.  Needless to say, Billy Abraham will just get off with a slap on the wrist and continue being Billy Abraham.  Nothing can stop Billy Abraham.  (elpasoinc.com)

FOR YOUR EDUCATIONAL MORSEL OF THE DAY, WE SUGGEST YOU READ STEVEN COTTINGHAM’S HERALD POST PIECE ON ST. ALBAN’S CHURCH IN CENTRAL EL PASO – St. Alban’s is the latest church to be highlighted as part of Steven Cottingham’s excellent series on the history of El Paso’s religious landmarks.  As always, the article is very informative and includes a beautiful photo essay to compliment the article.  So go check out the El Paso Herald Post and support this and their other excellent historical articles.  It really is a breath of fresh air to have someone do historical research on a building and then publish all the facts in an easily accessible article.  Maybe Max Grossman and the other so-called historians in Union Plaza can use this as a template and actually publish the history of the buildings in Union Plaza instead of using anecdotal evidence to create their mythical Duranguito Neighborhood.  At least one person is doing good historical writing in El Paso.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

CHECKING UP ON VENEZUELA, IT’S STILL NOT IN A FULL BLOWN CIVIL WAR BUT IT IS PRETTY DAMN CLOSE – Tensions continue to rise in Venezuela as the majority opposition National Assembly appointed 33 judges to the Supreme Court much to the chagrin of President Nicolas Maduro.  Although the National Assembly is within their right to appoint the judges, Maduro is desperate to cling to power and this will weaken his control over the courts.  Not to be outdone, Maduro is trying to re-write the constitution to give himself more power and possibly make himself God-Emperor of Venezuela.  Let’s hope Donald Trump doesn’t read this and gets ideas from Maduro.  So both sides in Venezuela are as far away from compromise as humanly possible and something’s gotta give sooner or later as the crisis continues.  At this point, anything that doesn’t end in a civil war would be considered a success in Venezuela.  (bbc.com)

NOW IF SOMEONE CAN JUST WRITE A SCIENTIFIC PAPER ON THE “ANAKIN EFFECT” AMONG YOUNG ACTORS – Peer reviewed scientific journals are the most up to date and accurate sources of information in the world, but due to the growth in global communication and the internet some low tier “scientific” journals have popped up over the years that have threatened the sanctity of the entire peer-reviewed journal process.  Thankfully, we have scientists and science aficionados that are keeping the ever growing journal industry honest by exposing the charlatans in the community.  One of the more humorous attempts to expose these quack journals is highlighted on the Discover Magazine blog and is based on the much derided Midichlorians mentioned in the Star Wars prequels that supposedly give Jedi’s their force powers.  You might not hear a peep about Midichlorians in the new trilogy, but at least they live on in scientific papers!  Do yourself a favor and read the entire absurd paper that was submitted and actually published by a few “journals”.  Star Wars prequel references have never made more sense.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

THE ANNUAL SAN DIEGO WAITING-IN-LINE CONVENTION WAS A BLAST! – If you like waiting in a line in order to get the opportunity to wait in another line that leads to another line, then San Diego Comic Con is the place for you.  Simple Minded Entertainment is a comic-centric entertainment site and, as such, we made our yearly trek to San Diego for Comic Con.  We had a great time observing what’s new and important in all things comic books, movies, science fiction, video games and more.  So basically we just walked around, waited in lines, watched panels and partied all under the guise of “working”.  Bless you, San Diego Comic Con.  We’ll be back next year.  (comic-con.org)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 07/14/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

TOM DIAMOND IS DEAD.  LONG LIVE TOM DIAMOND – Thomas “Tom” Mulford Diamond was a local lawyer who was a great force in the local Democratic party and who is best remembered as being the person who was most instrumental in getting federal recognition for the Tigua Tribe and helping them secure their lands.  Tom Diamond passed away on July 8 and he will be greatly missed.  He led an amazing life and did incredible things for El Paso and the surrounding region.  Tom Diamond was one of the most significant figures in the Paso del Norte region during the 20th Century, yet the local media spent more time covering the cheese at Chico’s Tacos than they did covering this great man and his life.  But we won’t forget his legacy.  Rest in peace, Mr. Diamond.  (legacy.com)

JUST A SAD REMINDER THAT EL PASO COULD HAVE HAD A COMPETITIVE UTILITY MARKET, BUT LONG AGO CITY COUNCIL VOTED IDIOTICALLY TO STICK WITH A MONOPOLY FOR ELECTRICITY AND ALL OTHER UTILITIES – Yup, El Paso could have had competition for electricity but instead chose to let a monopoly control everything.  El Paso Electric isn’t even a public utility and the city still allowed them to be the only game in town.  There is still a chance for El Paso to have a logical competitive market, but all levels in the government would have to competently come together and work towards one unified goal.  So basically El Paso is getting a competitive market once hell freezes over.  (elpasoproud.com)

IF THE CHUCK DEBRODER BURGER DOESN’T COME WITH A RANDOM SHOT OF ALCOHOL I’M GOING TO BE SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED – Chuck DeBroder is a local celebrity and one of El Paso’s most legendary weathermen.  Now the KTSM meteorologist will be cemented in history with his own burger at Downtown’s International Bar/Club/Bistro/Café/Thingy.  The burger is a vegetarian creation complete with a veggie patty and a Portobello mushroom.  I’m not a vegetarian, but the burger sounds good and it seems like it’s worth a try.  Now if they can also create a Chuck DeBroder cocktail we’re all set.  (elpasoproud.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S ALMOST AS IF PHILADELPHIA SAW CENTRAL AMERICA’S SEVERE DRUG CRIME EPIDEMIC  AND WANTED TO SHOW THEM THEY COULD DO BETTER – A spoiled brat, rich boy in Philadelphia decided to play the role of “bad ass drug kingpin” and ended up murdering 4 of his acquaintances while spectacularly failing in trying to hide the bodies.  So just a typical weekday afternoon in Philadelphia.  After a week long search for 4 missing men, Cosmo DiNardo confessed to killing them because of some stupid reason involving a drug deal gone bad.  The story is equal parts creepy, sad and pathetic and is a tragic reflection on this idiot’s family and the perverse sense of entitlement they fostered in him.  For one week, Philadelphia made most of the cities in Mexico look nice and peaceful.  Yet Philadelphia still looked calm compared to Chicago.  (philly.com)

DARPA IS LOOKING INTO CYBORGS NOW.  SO EXPECT FULL CYBORG CONSUMER TECHNOLOGY TO START HITTING THE SHELVES IN 30 YEARS FOLLOWED BY A MASSIVE UPRISING OF HALF-HUMAN/HALF-MACHINE HIPSTER APPLE ZOMBIES – The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, is a government organization that has influenced research and had a massive impact on most major computer, communication, defense and transportation innovations that have occurred over the past few decades.  From the internet to GPS to cellular communication – DARPA has pretty much had a hand in anything even remotely related to technology.  DARPA recently gave out $65 million to multiple teams to advance the field of neural engineering and create neural implants that can be used to control technology, among other things.  When DARPA starts something it doesn’t dick around, so expect low cost cyborgs to become a reality sometime in the middle of the 21st century.  Assimilate into the manmachine movement or die!  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

IT TURNS OUT DONALD TRUMP JR. IS JUST AS STUPID AND INCOMPETENT AS HIS FATHER – Much like a cartoon character who repeatedly steps on a rake to hilarious results, Donald Trump Jr. has been strung along hilariously by the media this week as he continues to back track and change his story over meetings he had with Russian officials during the campaign.  First Donald Trump Jr. denied ever meeting with any Russians, then after the media offered proof, he said he only met with non-government affiliated Russians, then after the media offered proof, he said that they didn’t talk about Hillary Clinton, then the media offered proof and the cycle repeated itself for the better part of the week.  So either Donald Trump Jr. is hiding something or he’s just a complete, fucking moron like his father – or maybe it’s both!  Working with a foreign government to undermine American rules is tantamount to treason but that doesn’t seem to bother the Donald Trump team one bit as long as they can accomplish their goal of running the country into the ground.  (bbc.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 07/08/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE PLAZA CLASSIC FILM FESTIVAL IS CELEBRATING ITS 10TH ANNIVERSARY AND HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT RICHARD DREYFUS WILL BE ONE OF THE DISTINGUISHED GUESTS.  SADLY, THE SEVERELY UNDERRATED MOON OVER PARADOR WILL NOT BE SHOWN AT THE FESTIVAL – The Plaza Classic Film Festival will kick off in a few weeks and, even though the full schedule has been announced, it has received a lot less fanfare than years past.  That should all change now that Academy Award-winning actor Richard Dreyfuss has been selected as one of the official guests of the festival.  Even without him, the festival has a good lineup going with other great guests like Kathleen Turner and animators Don Bluth and Gary Goldman, who will be taking part in a retrospective of their animation work that will be showcased at the festival.  So be sure to check the festival out next month and catch a few flicks and hear some of the amazing guests talk about their films and careers.  This is definitely one of the better lineups they’ve presented over the past decade and should not be missed.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

BREAKING NEWS!  CHICO’S TACOS CHANGES THE CHEESE THEY USE ON THEIR FLAUTAS!  THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US! – Chico’s Tacos recently changed their cheese and this has become headline news on multiple LEGITIMATE news sites and led to an avalanche of bitching and complaining on the internet.  Never change, El Paso.  Chico’s Tacos is an icon in the city, so any change to their signature dish will result in publicity but some of the responses found online are a bit humorous and over the top.  It’s gotten so much press that Chico’s issued a statement that explained that the original cheese used was being discontinued and no longer carried by the distributor.  According to the restaurant, the new cheddar cheese is similar to the original cheese used in the ‘50s and ‘60s and thus more authentic.  For what it’s worth, I like the new cheese better because now the “cheese” actually tastes like cheese and not some hard Velveeta hybrid.  Regardless, Chico’s Tacos still kicks ass and is the perfect end to a night of hanging out with friends.  (cbs4local.com)

MONTANA VISTA FINALLY GETS A PUBLIC POOL AND THEY DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO INCORPORATE AS AN ACTUAL TOWN  – A water main break in Montana Vista resulted in a large pond forming near Montana and shutting down part of the road for hours.  All things considered, El Paso Water Utilities reacted pretty fast to the situation and had things restored rather quickly – by Montana Vista standards.  The culprit for the break was a private contractor working in the area that probably didn’t even bother to check for utilities like most of the work done in unincorporated areas.  This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone familiar with the unincorporated areas of the region.  It’s amazing that more disasters don’t occur in Montana Vista or Chaparral considering all the borderline illegal construction activity that occurs at any given moment.  Maybe incorporating and embracing “modern life” isn’t such a bad idea.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IRAQI FORCES HAVE “OFFICIALLY” TAKEN MOSUL AND HAVE DECLARED VICTORY OVER ISIS IN IRAQ.  WE SHOULD BE CAUTIOUS THOUGH, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME SOMEONE PROCLAIMED “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” IN IRAQ – Iraqi forces are celebrating as they have full control of Mosul and have, for the most part, defeated the daesh cunts of isis in Iraq.  Sometimes these victories are short lived and Iraqi forces would be wise not to let their guard down and to keep on fighting extremism in their country.  So best case scenario, this unites all Iraqi forces and they work to a more stable region with possible increased autonomy for different cultural areas.  This being Iraq, however, this positive feeling will last for 15 minutes and then they’ll all return to sectarian violence under the illusion of trying to maintain a “united Iraq”.  Let’s try to get this right, Iraq.  (independent.co.uk)

IT TURNS OUT THERE WERE MULTIPLE MASSIVE VOLCANOES IN THE 15TH CENTURY THAT CAUSED HEAVY LOSS OF LIFE AND MAJOR CLIMATE ANOMALIES ALL AROUND THE WORLD.  IT TURNS OUT THE EARTH REALLY IS TRYING TO KILL US AND IS JUST GATHERING STRENGTH – Scientists are still trying to determine which volcanic eruption led to the climate anomalies around 1465 which resulted in famines all around the world.  Originally, the volcanic eruption at Kuwae was thought to be the source of all the ash found in the geologic layer attributed to this climate event but new research shows that Kuwae was not as large as suggested and happened to occur a few years off from the date of the event.  So now we have either a “lost volcano”, or meteor-strike, that caused the events of 1465 to go along with the large explosion at Kuwae, which was not as big as thought but still caused a lot of damage and changes around the world.  Science is interesting and very, very scary.  (bbc.com)

DONALD TRUMP TAKES HIS “STUPIDITY TOUR” TO GERMANY AND THE G20 SUMMIT WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS – The G20 Summit is a gathering of leaders of the 20 major economies in the world where they to pay lip service regarding major problems by spending days on joint statements that don’t really do anything.  This year was no different, but it featured the comedy antics of Donald Trump to keep everyone entertained.  Among the highlights were Donald Trump pretending like he’d never met Vladimir Putin before, America coming off as a banana republic when Donald Trump inserted his unqualified daughter as his replacement at one of the meetings and America being isolated 19 to 1 on matters of climate change.  It was like if Mr. Bean or Inspector Clouseau was confused as the leader of a major country and invited to the big boy’s table by accident.  This must be extremely hilarious to an outsider living outside of America, but it’s not so funny when you are living in the middle of the idiot republic that Donald Trump is creating.  (bbc.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 06/30/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT MIGHT COST A BIT MORE, BUT I HOPE THEY PUT THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE IN CHARGE OF THE EL PASO/LAS CRUCES SUPER COMMUTER TRAIN – A recently completed study has shown what we’ve known all along, that El Paso and Las Cruces can support a commuter rail line to finally connect both cities with low cost transportation.  There have been some bus line experiments in the past connecting El Paso and Las Cruces, but a commuter rail line would be a major game changer for the region.  The study by the Center for Neighborhood Technology finds the price tag for such a project to be upwards of $120 million with a projected price per ride between $3 and $4 with stops in various of the communities between El Paso and Las Cruces.  Although the study practically ignored the impact that riders from Juarez would have on the project, it seems like a fair assessment of the the region’s capabilities to handle a rail line.  Now we just have to get the El Paso and Las Cruces area governments to act competently and work together ……. so basically this will be done sometime in the next ten to one hundred years.  (kfoxtv.com)

IT’S EASY TO CRITICIZE LOCAL GOVERNMENT ENTITIES FOR BEING INCOMPETENT.  BUT NOTHING IS MORE WASTEFUL AND INCOMPETENT THAN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT – After all the time and money wasted on trying to prosecute the educators involved in the alleged EPISD cheating scandal, Judge David Briones declared a mistrial due to documents not being turned in on time by the FBI or the U.S. Attorney’s office.  So after almost two weeks into the trial, the Feds just said “OOPS!” and hit the reset button because of their amazingly incompetent mistake.  Normally someone would lose their job over such a stupid lapse of judgment, but because this is the federal government someone will probably get a promotion instead.  Just like Baby Huey, the federal government just waddles along crushing everything in its past and doing whatever it wants with no real understanding of the consequences.  So now we’ll got not one, BUT TWO, trials that will give a slap on the wrist to district administrators for very low-level white collar crimes.  Money well spent!  (kvia.com)

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM ……. THEN WE SCREAM FOR REFUNDS – The Ice Cream Festival will be returning to Cohen Stadium this weekend and promoters are promising it will be much better than last year.  It seems like organizers learned their lesson and the event this year will be a great time for everyone and a chance to enjoy some locally produced ice cream as well as new tastes from elsewhere.  The reviews for the last Ice Cream Festival found online are pretty humorous and at least we are assured it won’t be this bad this time out – because according to the reviews, nothing can be as poorly planned as the last Ice Cream Festival.  So take a chance and give the Ice Cream Festival at Cohen Stadium another shot this weekend.  At best it will be a great time for the whole family and at worst it will give you the opportunity to write a scathing review online.  (kfoxtv.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S JUST LIKE AN EPISODE OF AIRWOLF!  IF AIRWOLF WAS VENEZUELAN, HAD VERY LOW LEVEL TECHNOLOGY AND WASN’T VERY GOOD AT IT’S JOB (IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT AIRWOLF IS, LOOK FOR IT ON YOUTUBE NOW!) – The Venezuela crisis went to a whole new level this week when a lone helicopter was used to attack the supreme court and government buildings in a relatively weak strike that caused little to no damage.  Just to make the whole thing a bit more absurd, the person leading the attack was Oscar Perez, a member of Venezuela’s elite police force, who just happens to be an actor and a serial social media user.  Just when you think that things can’t get any crazier in Venezuela, you get a random helicopter trying to start a coup.  Maybe next week someone will fly a drone straight up President Nicolas Maduro’s ass and finally end this bullshit that Venezuela is going through.  One can hope.  (bbc.com)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CANADA.  YOU’RE THE BEER-GUZZLING, HOCKEY-WATCHING UNCLE THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD LOVES AND WANTS TO PARTY WITH – This weekend Canada celebrates its 150th birthday and people all over Canada, and the world, are ready to celebrate.  So if you know any Canadians or are within shouting distance of Canada, make sure to yell out “Happy Birthday” and then get completely drunk – it’s the Canadian way!  (gulfnews.com)

IT TURNS OUT THAT ONE OF THE MOST ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS IN THE WORLD HAD A WEIRD SKULL WORSHIP CULT GOING ON.  WHO KNEW THE MOST ANCIENT CIVILIZATION IN THE WORLD WAS A HARDCORE HEAVY METAL CULT THAT LIKED HEADBANGING A LITTLE TOO MUCH – Gobekli Tepe in Turkey is an archaeological site in Turkey that dates back to nearly 12,000 years ago and that consistently offers new clues into our ancient origins.  Recent research at the site has shown signs of skull decorating and worship at the site and the discovery just adds another layer of mystery to what we know about the ancient civilization in that area.  This research offers an amazing glimpse into what we thought were simply basic Neolithic peoples, but few people will truly recognize this impact because some idiot is just going to turn all this information into some ancient aliens bullshit YouTube video and that’s all that people will ever learn from this.  So we’ll just get the ball rolling and be the first ones to state that Gobekli Tepe was founded by headbanging aliens that loved death metal.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 06/23/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE BORDERLAND IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCORCHING HEAT WAVE BUT AT LEAST IT’S NOT PHOENIX.  EVEN HELL IS GRATEFUL THAT IT IS NOT PHOENIX – Summer is upon us and temperatures around El Paso and the greater Mogollon region are expected to get close to 110 degrees Fahrenheit in some spots.  Naturally, this has brought up El Paso’s summer pastime of people acting like they’ve never seen high temperatures before even though it happens every fucking year.  This is not to be confused with El Paso’s winter pastime of people acting like they’ve never seen snow even though it also happens every fucking year.  Though this weekend will not see “extreme” record breaking temps, it’s still a typical El Paso summer heat spell and people should take the necessary precautions.  So drink lots of water and don’t do anything stupid that might leave you outside in dangerous conditions during the day.  And let us all marvel at the fact that large corporations choose Phoenix over El Paso to set up shop simply because of “white collar racism” and would rather roast in 120+ degree temperature than set up in a community that has a Hispanic majority.  (kfoxtv.com)

ONCE AGAIN, A DANGEROUS DUST STORM NEAR LORDSBURG HAS CAUSED A MAJOR ACCIDENT ON I-10 AND, ONCE AGAIN, THE AUTHORITIES WILL SHRUG THEIR SHOULDERS AND CLAIM NOTHING CAN BE DONE – Six people lost their lives on Sunday when a massive dust storm west of Lordsburg caused a 25 vehicle pileup on I-10.  Aside from being lucky, there’s really nothing that any of the drivers on the road at that moment could have done to try and prevent a tragedy.  The area where the accident occurred is near the Lordsburg Playa and it consistently is one of the biggest dust storm hot spots in the southwest – a dust storm hot spot that is split in two by a major highway!  Although the government will try to wash their hands of this disaster, this sort of thing has happened for so long that you would think by now they would have a system to try and prevent this.  Maybe have a plan where the freeway is shut down in this area during dust storms, where cars are funneled through a lower speed alternate route that connects with I-10 away from the danger zone.  Or maybe they can stop cattle from eating up necessary vegetation in an area that is already practically devoid of plants.  Or maybe the state or the feds can just buy up the whole playa and surrounding area, turn it into a nature preserve and plant a bunch of trees and plants along I-10 to offer some protection from the dust.  Six people are dead and countless are injured; at what point is the outrage large enough for the government to do something other than trying to “harden the soil” and shrugging their shoulders.  (kvia.com)

A NEW UNDERWEAR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN SEEKS TO CAPITALIZE ON FANS OF THE EL PASO CHIHUAHUAS, CHICO AND CHICO’S CROTCH – Russell Athletic’s FreshForce underwear line is launching an advertising campaign that includes Chico the Chihuahua and it’s everything you would expect and more!  For some reason Chico the Chihuahua uses underwear but what is more perplexing is that his crotch is extraordinarily hot and only FreshForce underwear can cool his groin to an acceptable temperature range.  I don’t want to oversell it, but here are some of the magical highlights of this glorious commercial:  dozens of subtle references to Chico’s testicles, scientific evidence that shows that Chico’s crotch is 150 degrees Fahrenheit, shameless El Paso clichés that border on prejudice, a fully nude Chico (with crotch blurred out) getting hosed down at a car wash and Chico and others sniffing his underwear.  Just because of this commercial I will buy at least 2 pairs of red FreshForce underwear so I can be like Chico and have cool balls.  If you love Chico and have ever wanted to sniff his underwear, this is the commercial for you!  (kvia.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IS THIS THE END OF ISIS? – Iraqi forces have almost full control of Mosul and that has made the daesh cunts of ISIS even more psychotic than they already are.  Many people said that the destruction of the Great Mosque of al-Nuri by ISIS would be a sign of the impending end of the group and that is exactly what has happened.  The desperate terrorist organization has lost most of its territory and has nowhere to go and will now do as much damage as possible to whatever territory they still hold.  Add to this the apparent death of their leader as a result of a Russian air attack in Syria and we might just be seeing the complete destruction of ISIS.  Not to be outdone, the group is claiming that American bombs were responsible for the destruction of the mosque in Mosul even though the video clearly shows that it was a controlled explosion with no sign of any attack coming from above.  ISIS might die, but the propaganda war will continue and, sadly, another terrorist group will take its place.  This is the tragic cycle of the War on Terror.  (bbc.com)

LADIES, LADIES DON’T FIGHT.  YOU’RE BOTH EQUALLY HORRIBLE LARGE CORPORATIONS THAT BULLY BUSINESSES AND SUFFOCATE COMPETITION – In news of “pot calling the kettle black”, Amazon this week called Wal-Mart a bully for trying to get its technology suppliers to switch away from Amazon’s cloud computing service if they wanted to keep on doing business with Wal-Mart.  It’s beyond humorous that Amazon is calling Wal-Mart a bully when both companies have a reputation for undercutting competitors and choking out their rivals.  Amazon’s web services division is one of the few areas of the company that actually generates a healthy profit and this might be why they got so bitchy about Wal-Mart asking its suppliers to find another company for their cloud services and online computing needs.  On their end, Wal-Mart said they asked for this move because they don’t want their vital information in the grasp of their competitor’s computer network.  But who are we kidding, both these companies are bitchy bullies who not only want to damage their competition but also come off as victims.  (bbc.com)

SCIENCE HAS NOW PROVEN WHAT NORMAL, RATIONAL PEOPLE HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS; THAT PEOPLE WHO PAY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR HEADPHONES ARE COMPLETE, FUCKING IDIOTS – A recent scientific study published in The Journal of the Acoustical Society of America titled “No correlation between headphone frequency response and retail price” has found no objectively measurable difference between headphones regardless of price.  Much like the morons who deny that climate change exists despite all the scientific evidence, people who buy Beats and other overpriced brands of headphones will make up some random statistic or bullshit anecdotal evidence to justify their insufferable commitment to being idiots.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 06/18/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE EL PASO POLICE DEPARTMENT’S SPECIAL TRAFFIC INVESTIGATIONS UNIT, A.K.A. THE OVERTIME COWBOYS, SHUT DOWN THE FREEWAY FOR OVER SIX HOURS BECAUSE OF AN ACCIDENT INVOLVING ONE(!) MOTORCYCLE.  IF A REAL EMERGENCY LIKE A TERRORIST ATTACK EVER OCCURS, EPPD WILL SHUT DOWN THE ENTIRE CITY FOR A MONTH – EPPD’s Traffic Unit shut down ALL westbound lanes on Friday, after a deadly motorcycle accident near Yarbrough, and didn’t open up the freeway until more than 6 hours later.  It’s understandable that they would shut down the area in order to render aid and clean up the mess, but to waste SIX HOURS on an “investigation” in an area surrounded by txdot cameras is just wasteful.  El Paso is the only city in Texas, and perhaps the world, where the policed shuts down an entire freeway to “look for clues”.  More than anything, this sort of thing just comes off looking like blatant overtime fraud with no respect for the taxpayer.  To make matters worse, all the money wasted could be used on the police officers who actually do REAL police work and keep us safe by patrolling and going into rough neighborhoods to stop crime.  At some point, the city and state authorities are going to have to step in and see why these investigations seem to take hours ONLY in El Paso and not anywhere else.  (kvia.com)

CAN WE ALL FINALLY AGREE THAT COHEN STADIUM DOES NOT NEED TO BE A BASEBALL FIELD ANYMORE AND JUST TURN IT INTO AN AMPHITHEATER?  AND LET’S SELL THE LAND AROUND THE AREA AND GET SOME PRIVATE DEVELOPMENT GOING – After years of being put on the back burner, the City of El Paso is seriously starting to look at realistic plans for Cohen Stadium and the surrounding area.  Once City Hall Field was built in downtown, the city had no real use for a baseball field in Northeast El Paso but they were reluctant to proclaim Cohen as a white elephant.  Now it seems the city is looking at logical options for Cohen Stadium and its potential as a performance area are finally being appreciated.  El Paso loses out on many tours because of its lack of an amphitheater and Cohen Stadium is an excellent candidate to be retrofitted for that use.  While the city is just discussing the basic ideas on how to revitalize this property, it’s good to see that they are looking beyond just the canopy repairs and are hinting at some future changes to the venue.  I’m not saying they’re going to turn it into an amphitheater, but the smart and rational move here would be for the City of El Paso to turn Cohen Field into an amphitheater.  (kvia.com)

APPARENTLY GETTING IN THE RIO GRANDE IS DANGEROUS IN EL PASO, BUT IT’S PERFECTLY SAFE TO RIDE FUNNY RAFTS A FEW MILES NORTH IN LAS CRUCES.  AT THIS POINT, THE BORDER PATROL AND FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ARE JUST MAKING SHIT UP AND NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO BE RATIONAL.  WHEN YOU CAN BLAME TERRORISTS FOR ANYTHING, EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS THE TRUTH – For the 18th year in a row, the Raft the Rio celebration took place in Las Cruces this weekend as people captained a wide variety of boats through the stretch of the Rio Grande the runs through Las Cruces.  This seemed like a very fun event and it’s a real shame that the government has turned the river into a no man’s land once it reaches the Texas border and practically a war zone once it reaches downtown El Paso.  A once lively and life-giving river has been reduced to a concrete canal due to the machinations of morons hundreds of miles away on both sides of the divide.  Well, at least Las Cruces gets to have fun with the river.  (kvia.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IF TERRORISTS AND BREXIT WEREN’T BAD ENOUGH, NOW LONDON HAS TO WORRY ABOUT KILLER FIRES – It seems the UK just can’t catch a break and now a deadly high rise fire in London is the latest bit of bad news to hit the country.  Dozens are believed dead as a massive fire gutted the Grenfell Tower and destroyed most of the 24-storey building.  Cost cutting measures are blamed for this fire as the building didn’t have a sprinkler system and the protective cladding cover used in recent upgrades was not fire resistant.  The building was mainly used for low income housing, so that might be why the government went with “cost” when it came down to the cost/safety ratio.  Unfortunately, you expect something like this from a developing nation in Africa or the Americas.  But when a tragic fire like this happens in one of the richest cities in the world, it really makes you question the system as a whole.  (bbc.com)

BECAUSE HOLLYWOOD LOVES A GOOD PLOT TWIST, IT TURNS OUT THE PRODUCTION COMPANY BEHIND THE WOLF OF WALL STREET MIGHT BE A HORRIBLE MONEY LAUNDERING OPERATION THAT STOLE MONEY FROM THE MALAYSIAN PEOPLE TO CREATE A MASSIVE SCAM OF A COMPANY.  THE RED GRANITE MOVIE IS GOING TO BE AWESOME! – Red Granite was a production company that made some big movies over the years and that is now on the brink of having all its assets seized as the U.S. Government continues with its case against the company.  Red Granite is accused of a massive money laundering scheme that involved pumping tons of money out of Malaysia, reserved for economic development that the country REALLY needed, in order for the relatives of Malaysian government officials to pretend like they were Hollywood big shots.  The case is pretty large and complex, so you should do yourself a favor and read the full report to get all the juicy details on just how far these guys went.  As it stands, the government is seeking to seize assets that include paintings worth millions of dollars and movies such as The Wolf of Wall Street, Daddy’s Home and Dumb and Dumber To.  As an added bonus, the investigation also involves Leonardo DiCaprio and parties in Las Vegas!  (deadline.com)

GET READY FOR QUANTUM SPY SATELLITES – THE NEW SAFE WAY TO SECURELY TRANSMIT PICTURES OF YOUR DICK TO RANDOM GIRLS! – The Chinese government has successfully tested a new type of satellite communication system that uses the laws of quantum science to create a virtually un-hackable communication network.  The Micius satellite has been working since last August and continues to show positive results.  This all is a bit too hard to explain in a smarmy paragraph, but the system basically uses photon pairs to hold the encryption keys that cease to work if any detection is attempted on the message.  But just read the full report for more information on how this fascinating system works and ignore my half-assed summary.  Not to be outdone, Donald Trump has announced that he will create a coal-powered satellite system that uses coal encryption in order to counter this new spy satellite from China.  Because the only way to advance the country and Make Murica Great Again is by using 19th century technology!  (bbc.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 06/11/2017

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

EL PASO’S VOTERS (ALL FIVE OF THEM) HAVE SPOKEN AND THEY HAVE DECIDED TO CHOOSE STABLE, AVERAGE CANDIDATES OVER INCOMPETENT, ILL-INFORMED OUTSIDERS.  AT LEAST EL PASO VOTERS GOT IT RIGHT – The runoff election for El Paso mayor and city council took place on Saturday and Dee Margo, Alexsandra Annello, Cassandra Hernandez and Sam Morgan were some of the major winners in their respective elections for mayor and city council.  While this election didn’t feature any spectacular candidates, the voters elected the most solid choices available and rejected some of the over the top morons that were running in some of the races.  The City Council District 8 race was the only one not decided on Saturday, but the runoff features two decent-ish candidates that won’t (hopefully) do amazingly stupid things at council.  So the upcoming El Paso government should be MUCH better than what we had before.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

IN HINDSIGHT, CHARGING MONEY FOR PEOPLE TO GO INTO ASCARATE PARK FOR A FESTIVAL THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE A COPIOUS AMOUNT OF DRUGS IS A PRETTY STUPID IDEA – El Paso County Parks and Recreation Director Eric Storrie was fired right after the completion of this year’s Sun City Fair and some sources are saying it was because of the lackluster results of the event that many attribute to his poor management.  Regardless of the situation, Eric Storrie is a useful scapegoat for Ascarate’s troubles but the main issue still remains that El Paso County should not be in the “parks” business and should stop wasting taxpayer money on this and merge their few parks with the City of El Paso.  El Paso County charges a fee to enter Ascarate and the Sportsplex and their parks are STILL in worse condition than the City of El Paso parks that are completely free!  Just save everyone’s tax money and create a metropolitan parks and recreation department run by the city that runs all the parks in the area.  Maybe if the parks were free and not run by incompetent El Paso County officials things like this wouldn’t happen.  It says a lot when you can make the City of El Paso government look amazing in comparison.  (cbs4local.com)

CONGRATULATIONS TO UTEP’S TOBI AMUSAN AND EMMANUEL KORIR FOR BRINGING TRACK AND FIELD NATIONAL TITLES BACK TO THE SCHOOL – The 2017 NCAA Track and Field National Championships are in the books and UTEP came back with a pair of major wins.  Emmanuel Korir repeated as 800m national champion and Tobi Amusan won the 100m hurdles national championship (the first championship for UTEP in that event).  UTEP also had some other athletes with good finishes at the meet and it was a great end to the season for the Men and Women’s Track Team.  Those performances were flashbacks to UTEP’s dominant track teams of the ‘70s and ‘80s that brought multiple national titles to El Paso.  Shine on, UTEP!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IN NEWS OF THE HYPOCRITICAL, SAUDI ARABIA HAS ACCUSED QATAR OF FUNDING TERRORISM.  THE SAME SAUDI ARABIA THAT ENCOURAGES RADICAL MOSQUES ACROSS THE WORLD AND THAT PRODUCED MOST OF THE 9/11 HIJACKERS – Because the world is stupid and Donald Trump seems to have emboldened all the dictators of the world, Saudi Arabia has pushed other gulf states to join in on an economic blockade of Qatar because of “terrorist links”.  Nobody is going to point out Saudi Arabia’s hypocrisy because this is obviously just Saudi Arabia bullying Qatar as a way to show dominance in the region and engage in yet another dick measuring contest with Iran.  But just to reinforce the hypocrisy, the very same Saudi Arabia that supports its own weirdo extremist sect of Islam around the world and that is currently driving Yemen to a catastrophe for selfish reasons is accusing another country of having “terrorist links”.  (bbc.com)

THE BRITISH PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN WITH THEIR VOTES AND THEY DON’T TRUST THEIR CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT.  THE CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT HAS RESPONDED BY JOINING FORCES WITH A BORDERLINE RIGHT WING EXTREMIST GROUP TO GET A MAJORITY.  FUN TIMES IN ENGLAND! – Last week the British people went to the polls after Prime Minister Theresa May called for an election and they responded by voting out multiple members of her party from parliament and eliminating their majority in the government.  So it was a borderline disaster for her and her “mandate” going into Brexit.  Not to be outdone, she has joined forces with the Democratic Unionist Party to get enough seats to have a majority government.  Up until a few years ago, DUP was considered a fringe, right wing, extremist party from Northern Ireland.  But now they are partners in Britain’s leadership as they head into Brexit negotiations!  Good show, Theresa May.  That’s leadership straight from Trump University!  (bbc.com)

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LET THE BUMBLEBEES TAKE OVER DETROIT.  THEY CAN’T DO A WORSE JOB THAN THE HUMANS – A recent study of bee populations in Michigan by Paul Glum at the University of Michigan found that bees are now being found in higher concentrations in Detroit than have been found in other urban or suburban areas of Michigan.  The main theory is that the urban exodus in Detroit has left pockets of unused lots that are now filled with native overgrowth that provides tons of areas for bumblebees to gather pollen.  Either that or bees would rather chill in Detroit than other cities in Michigan for some reason.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)