Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 12/13/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

ALL HAIL TONY THE TIGER.  HE HAS DETHRONED OSCAR LEESER AS THE KING OF THE SUN BOWL AND WILL NOW RUN FOR MAYOR OF EL PASO – The Sun Bowl is now the Tony The Tiger Sun Bowl and this year the match up will feature Arizona State Vs. Florida State.  This is a solid match-up and will be the first time in over 50 years that Florida State has played in the Sun Bowl.  The game will be played at noon on December 31 and will be broadcast on CBS.  Get your tickets now and make Tony The Tiger proud.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

SANTA KHALIDAUS STRIKES AGAIN – Among all the local organizations that hand out toys and gifts for the less fortunate in El Paso, The Great Khalid Foundation is one of the most memorable ones.  Every year since his rise to fame, Khalid and the foundation led by his mother has given out toys to various schools throughout the region.  This year, The Great Khalid Foundation chose Whitaker Elementary as one of the schools they would surprise this year and every student received a present.  Kudos to Khalid and everyone else in the region who gives a little extra during the holidays.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

IF EVERY OTHER RANDOM EVENT CAN BE A LEGITIMATE HIGH SCHOOL COMPETITION, THEN REBOTE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE RECOGNIZED.  NEXT STOP, COMPETITIVE SYNCHRONIZED LOWRIDER HYDRAULIC SHOWS – Recently, Bowie High School hosted one of the first high school Rebote tournaments that featured teams from Chapin, Jefferson as well as Bowie.  The inaugural championship was won by the team from Chapin and we hope this is the first of many officially sanctioned Rebote events in the region.  Although many people are not familiar with the sport, it’s in the same family as Squash which is a fully sanctioned international sport.  And would it kill them to make high school e-sports an actual thing – video game nerds need a shot at highs school glory too.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

AND THE SLOW MOTION CAR WRECK KNOWN AS BREXIT LOOKS TO BE HEADING TO ITS INEVITABLE CONCLUSION – The Pro-Brexit conservative party has won a majority in the UK election and now Boris Johnson will finally sign off on the amazingly shitty exit deal that they were able to negotiate.  The UK will now be at a worse economic position on the global stage and will have to renegotiate trade deals from a weaker position.  But at least they get to stick it to the immigrants and liberals!  This is what it must feel like to look at Donald Trump and his stupidity parade from the comfort of a foreign country.  It’s only funny when you’re not in the middle of it.  (bbc.com)

SAUDI ARABIA NOW HAS EVEN MORE MONEY!  IT’S ALWAYS NICE WHEN THE POOR UNDERDOG FINALLY MAKES IT – As Saudi Arabia sees the writing on the wall regarding the future of oil, it has decided to privatize some of its oil assets in order to “cash out” and raise funds for non-energy investments.  Last week, Saudi Aramco raised over $25 billion in its initial offering and the company is hovering around the $2 trillion valuation.  Meanwhile in America, the idiots are doubling down on “muh oil” and fracking the shit out of everything to sell barrels of oil below the breakeven price.  But once the oil sector implodes we can just rely on “the internet” and the “thoughts and prayers” sectors to prop up the economy.  (bbc.com)

IT’S THE GOLDEN AGE OF THE MILF!  WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE – A study by the Pew Research Center has found that 23% of children in America live in single parent households.  That rate is the highest in the world and is around 3 times larger than the global rate of 7%.  Most of these are single mom households and America is leading the way in milf-appreciation and milf hunting activities.  Long live the milfs!  (pewresearch.org)

 

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