Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/20/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

DRIVING 100 MPH ON A CITY STREET IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT DOING IT WHILE DRUNK AND THEN CAUSING A DEADLY ACCIDENT JUST MAKES YOU A CRIMINAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER – Joel Garcia is the cunt that decided to drive his car over 100 mph, while drunk, and ran a red light that caused an accident that claimed the lives of 3 people.  He was recently found guilty of 3 counts of intoxication manslaughter and now awaits the sentencing for his crimes.  The max sentence that can be given to him is 20 years and here’s hoping that they throw the book at him and give him 20 years for each of the three victims – served consecutively so he never sees the light of day.  He was a repeat drunk driver who decided to get drunk and drive again and obviously never learned his lesson.  But the worst part is that he was driving 100 MPH ON A FUCKING NORMAL CITY STREET WITH TRAFFIC LIGHTS!  His genius lawyer said he wasn’t drunk, but that only makes his crime even worse.  That would mean he NEGLIGENTLY DROVE HIS CAR OVER 100 MPH ON A REGULAR STREET WHILE SOBER!  AND THEN RAN A RED LIGHT!  Fuck this guy!  They should give him life in prison and start charging speeders that break the law by a substantial amount with the same level of punishment as drunk drivers.  Drunk driving is bad, but driving your car at irresponsible speeds is much worse.  (cbs4local.com)

LET’S ALL GO WATCH RHINOS PLAY WITH THEMSELVES!  HMMMM, THAT SORT OF CAME OUT WRONG.  LET’S JUST GO WATCH THEM PLAY A HOCKEY SCRIMMAGE – The El Paso Rhinos are back and the reigning back to back Thorne Cup Champions will start the new season with a free inter-squad scrimmage today.  The team is consistently the most successful sports team in El Paso and the surrounding region and we should all give them a hand.  So go support your Rhinos as they get ready to start another hockey season.  Here’s to more championships!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LA UNION CORN MAZE IS BACK!  THE MAGICAL TIME WHERE DRUNK COLLEGE STUDENTS AND YOUNG CHILDREN SHOW THE SAME MENTAL APTITUDE BY GETTING LOST IN AN OVERSIZED MAZE – Autumn is slowly creeping into the region and La Union Corn Maze has returned as a harbinger for the changing season.  The corn maze will open this Saturday and will stay open until a few days after Halloween on November 3.  This year’s maze design celebrates the 50th anniversary of Western Tech, but I still think my idea of Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Michael Myers Vs. Godzilla would have been a better maze design.  The maze is aimed for families but everyone can enjoy it.  Let’s face it, teens and college students have been known to get drunk before going to the maze and playing games up to and including ‘grab ass’.  So it’s fun for the whole family!  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THE WORLD HAS A NEW BOOGEY MAN AND THAT BOOGEY MAN IS E-CIGARETTES AND VAPING. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! – In the past few months there have been 530 cases of what many believe to be a vaping-linked lung disease, with 8 of those cases resulting in death.  Preexisting conditions and illegal modifications of e-cigarettes are believed to be a cause in many of those illnesses, but that hasn’t stopped hysteria from taking over among those in power who want to earn points for upcoming elections.  Alcohol, semi-automatic firearms and high fructose corn syrup are responsible for thousands of illnesses and deaths every month, but we can’t focus on real issues because big, bad e-cigarettes are roaming the halls of all the world’s schools looking to addict and rape all the children.  Imagine if an e-cigarette rapes a middle school student and gives her lung disease and gets her pregnant?  The ensuing abortion/drug/health insurance debate would cause cranial explosions in most conservatives.  Please, think of the children – but only if they’re white and affluent.  (reuters.com)

HAPPY 80TH ANNIVERSARY, BATMAN – September 21 is Batman Day and we here at Simple Minded Entertainment will be celebrating by wearing our Batman undies all weekend long.  Even though the September date seems a bit arbitrary and is not really tied to any Batman-centric event, we will follow DC’s lead and treat this like his actual birthday (yes, we are aware Batman is fictional and does not have an actual birthday).  The holiday will be a world-wide event featuring pop-up shops, themed events, book releases and the Bat-signal shining in cities throughout the world.  Viva Batman!  (newsweek.com)

A CONFLICT IS BREWING IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHERE THE CIA AND AMERICAN ASSETS ARE NOT (WINK, WINK) SERVING AS AGITATORS.  WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS BEFORE? – Last weekend’s attack on Saudi oil production facilities “miraculously” had minimal casualties and the damage was not as significant as previously thought.  It couldn’t have gone better even if it was planned by outside forces to escalate a war in the region (wink, wink).  The Houthi rebels in Yemen claimed responsibility for the attack, but they pretty much take credit for everything that bites Saudi Arabia in the ass so they might not be 100% reliable.  The Saudis and Americans claim Iran did it and Iran blames America and the Saudis.  No one here is 100% reliable here and the addition of Donald Trump and friends to the equation adds a steaming pile of bullshit to the existing shit show.  On the home front, it seems like Donald Trump might have been trying to extort Ukraine to attack Joe Biden – so it seems like there is a shit show everywhere this week.  Maybe if Iran makes up bullshit conspiracy theories about Joe Biden and all of Donald Trump’s political enemies, they can sell the information to Donald Trump and get all sanctions removed.  Maybe this is how we finally get peace in the Middle East!  (bbc.com)

 

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