Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 04/05/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE BRAVOS DE JUAREZ WON’T BE PROMOTED TO THE BIG LEAGUES THIS SEASON.  BUT THE COPA MX WOULD MAKE A NICE CONSOLATION – Kudos to the Bravos for defeating a storied UNAM futball club in the Copa MX semifinal this week and setting up a historic championship meeting with the douchetastic Aguilas de America next Wednesday in Juarez.  And making things even sweeter for the team was the fact that local player Omar Antonio Panuco was one of the players to score for the Bravos in the game.   For those that aren’t too familiar with the Mexican futball league, Club America is the Mexican equivalent of the Dallas Cowboys, New England Patriots or the Los Angeles Lakers – only much more insufferable.  So it would be very, VERY cool if the Bravos kicked their ass.  Good luck, Bravos, on your unlikely championship run in the Copa MX.  (diario.mx)

WHEN COCA-COLA ATTACKS!  I TOLD EVERYONE THAT HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP LACED DRINKS WERE HARMFUL, BUT NO ONE WOULD LISTEN – A large spill in the Coca-Cola bottling plant on the Eastside has led to a slow moving Coca-Cola sludge tsunami that has overrun most of Cook Road in the Lower Valley and closed off the neighborhood to through-traffic.  The police managed to stop the flow of the spill by pouring dirt on it, but now the company will have to go in and clean it up.  So until then, the road will remain closed.  The local media covered this story for hours and even managed to record a harrowing bird rescue after a small bird got stuck in the sludge and had to be rescued by a random city employee with a bottle of water.  The entire ordeal had the makings of a major Hollywood movie.  So just to make things clear, the “CRISIS ON THE BORDER OF DOOM” is so severe and important that El Paso-area media spent hours covering the rescue of a bird from a Coca-Cola spill.  (cbs4local.com)

IF ONLY THE PLAZA DE LOS LAGARTOS HAD PUBLIC RESTROOMS, THEN THEY WOULD HAVE NAMED IT THE GREATEST PUBLIC SPACE IN HISTORY! – Downtown’s historic Plaza De Los Lagartos has been named a Great Public Space by the Texas Chapter of the American Planning Association.  The Plaza will now get a plaque and/or certificate and will get the satisfaction of a job well done.  That’ll do Plaza, that’ll do.  Imagine all the awards it will get when they build the public restrooms?  I wouldn’t doubt if it gets at least 3 Oscars and 2 Emmys!  According to random idiot citizens and city employees, park restrooms are important – if not the most important thing plaguing the city.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOKS LIKE LIBYA IS ABOUT TO HAVE ANOTHER CIVIL WAR.  AT LEAST IT’S NOT A FLAMING CLUSTERFUCK LIKE SYRIA, SO LIBYA HAS SOMETHING TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT – Libya is on the brink of another civil war as Eastern leader Khalifa Haftar has ordered his Libyan National Army group to march on Tripoli to take control of the country from the U.N. backed government.  Judging by past history, Libya should have been broken up into 3 or more countries in order to keep the factions that really don’t like each other from trying to gain dominance in the vacuum left when Gaddafi was “removed from power” in 2011.  But instead of taking this opportunity to create separate nations for people that had no interest in being friends and that had a long history of animosity; the global powers decided that this kumbaya façade of a united Libya was worth maintaining for some unknown reason.  And now we have a general from the east that cleaned up his own part of the country and is now looking to take Tripoli over frustrations of the west’s control over the entire country.  Once more, small countries that can make their own decisions are better than giant Frankenstein countries that are dominated by one region.  (bbc.com)

IT’S BEEN RAINING FOR WEEKS IN IRAN AND IT’S STILL RAINING – Over 40 people have died these past few weeks as heavy rains have contributed to massive flooding in large swaths of Iran.  Evacuations have now been ordered in the southwest part of the country as the flooding is expected to grow in this region.  To add to the calamity, sanctions have severely limited the amount of rescue supplies that Iran has on hand and absurd levels of deforestation in the past few decades have increased the frequency of floods of this type.  As a reminder, it’s never a good idea to cut down half of your forests for industry and agriculture and then do absolutely nothing to replant and restore the lost ecosystem.  (bbc.com)

JEFF BEZOS BASICALLY JUST WASTED $35 BILLION ON PUSSY.  I’M STARTING TO THINK THAT JEFF BEZOS’ WEALTH MIGHT BE MORE A FUNCTION OF LUCK THAN ACTUAL DECISION MAKING SKILLS AND BUSINESS ACUMEN – The divorce between Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie has just been finalized and she will be keeping a 4% stake in the company worth upwards of $35 billion.  Though Jeff Bezos will still keep voting rights on those shares and sole ownership of his other businesses, most people would agree that he overpaid for his side-pussy – which is allegedly now his permanent-pussy.  Lauren Sanchez has a style that I like to call the “retired El Paso stripper look” and, if this is what Jeff Bezos likes, half the strippers in El Paso look like younger versions of her.  Jeff Bezos should have just told me this was his type and I would have taken him down to Dreams Cabaret; it would have been slightly cheaper than $35 billion.  For that price, Lauren Sanchez’ vagina better be covered in gold, make pancakes for breakfast every day and come with its own juice bar.  (deadline.com)

 

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