Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION – 03/01/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE RESULTS ARE IN AND EL PASO COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS THE GREATEST COLLEGE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.  SUCK IT, HARVARD – For the 14th straight year, EPCC has been ranked #1 in number of associate degrees awarded to Hispanic students according to The Hispanic Outlook on Education Magazine.  The college awarded 3,128 associate degrees to Hispanic students and also ranked #2 in the country for total degrees and certificates awarded to Hispanic students.  While EPCC isn’t exactly Yale or Stanford, it’s a great place to start a college education and a great value compared to other schools.  Kudos, EPCC.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE SKANKS.  WHAT ABOUT THE SKANKS? – In news that surprised absolutely no one, the Cabaret Gentlemen’s Club on Montana was temporarily shut down last week because of alleged prostitution, drug dealing and other illegal activities.  The neighbors in the area are happy because the skankiest strip club in El Paso has been shut down; but society as a whole has lost some culture after the skankiest strip club in El Paso is closed and another fabled Montana strip club seems to have bitten the dust.  Rest in peace, Cabaret.  (cbs4local.com)

MAKE SURE TO ENJOY THE ROSES BEFORE THEY BURST INTO FLAMES SOME TIME IN THE SUMMER – The El Paso Rose Garden has just re-opened and we hereby welcome warmer temperatures to the region.  The Rose Garden once again opens its doors on March 1 and the public is welcomed to check out all the roses, paths and plants that the 4 acre park has to offer.  So be sure to check out the city’s rose garden on 1702 North Copia before the warm temperatures REALLY return and incinerate everything sometime in June.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

TENSIONS RISE IN KASHMIR AS PAKISTAN SHOOTS DOWN AN INDIAN FIGHTER PILOT FOR HAVING A FUNNY MUSTACHE – Things have been getting crazy these past few weeks as Pakistan and India have been going at it over attacks in the disputed Kashmir region.  Things reached a boiling point this week when Indian fighter planes went into Pakistan territory to attack “militant” sites and one of the planes was shot down and the pilot was captured by Pakistani forces.  Luckily, cooler heads have prevailed and Pakistan returned the pilot to India and didn’t even shave his crazy mustache off.  Let’s hope this is the start of a cooling down of emotions in Kashmir and a start of dialogue.  The last thing we need is two nuclear powers going to war over an overblown conflict.  Like they say, respect for another man’s crazy facial hair is the first step to peace.  (bbc.com)

TURNS OUT MOMO IS A HOAX.  BUT WHAT IF MOMO IS USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY AND IS ACTUALLY REAL AND CREATING A HOAX TO GO AFTER MORE KIDS? – The Momo craze is the latest spectacular hoax to cause idiots to clutch their pearls and bitch and complain about the internet and “child safety”.  For those that don’t know, Momo was some sort of big-eyed Japanese monster that some people would use to befriend children on social media and make them kill themselves.  The Momo craze was so large that even major news outlets and police departments were caught in the hype even though no legit victims were found and there was no evidence that any of it was actually true.  I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume that this was all started by random assholes on 4chan who were high on drugs at the time.  If so, kudos to 4chan for making fools of all the idiots who take shit like Facebook and Twitter seriously.  (bbc.com)

YOU TOO CAN BE LIKE THE PREDATOR!  ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS INJECT NANOPARTICLES INTO YOUR EYEBALLS AND YOU CAN HAVE INFRARED VISION.  EASY! – Scientists from the U.S. and China have figured out that mice can be given infrared vision by injecting nanoparticles into their eyes.  The research has been published in the journal Cell and gives exciting insight into the way the eye works and the overall electromagnetic spectrum.  One day mice will develop Predator powers and these researchers will be solely responsible for mankind’s downfall.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

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