Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 10/20/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

MUCH LIKE THE MAJESTIC SALMON OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST THAT RETURN TO THEIR RIVER BIRTHPLACE TO SPAWN AND DIE, THE FISH OF THE RIO GRANDE GO UP RANDOM CANALS IN THE LOWER VALLEY TO GET DRUNK AND PARTY BEFORE THE WATER DRIES UP AND THEY DIE.  IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE – Did you know there’s random fish swimming in the canals of El Paso and in the El Paso portion of the Rio Grande?  Although the news story focuses on people in the Lower Valley complaining about the dead fish rotting in the canals, the real story here is the fish.  What type of fish are these?  Are they a native species or an invasive species that just decided to make El Paso home?  Where do the non-crazy fish go on vacation when the Rio Grande and canals dry up?  We must know the answer to these questions.  People in the Lower Valley complaining are a dime a dozen, but native fish in El Paso are something special.  Why can’t the local news media focus on the important things?  (kfoxtv.com)

BE SURE TO SUPPORT UTEP ON OCTOBER 28 AS THE UNIVERSITY CELEBRATES LEGENDS NIGHT DURING THE FOOTBALL GAME.  BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, FREE AARON JONES BOBBLEHEADS! – UTEP will be honoring past legends of UTEP athletics during their October 28 football game against UTSA; including great athletes like Antonio Davis, Seth Joyner, Blessing Okagbare, Cynthia Ruelas, Paul Stankowski and Aaron Jones.  And just to make things even more awesome, a select few fans will be randomly selected to receive one of 1,000 limited edition Aaron Jones bobbleheads!  Who knows, if they put an Aaron Jones bobblehead on the field it will probably be one of the best players in the game and lead UTEP to victory.  (elpasoproud.com)

IF THEY WOULD HAVE INCLUDED A METRIC FOR SLUTTY COSTUMES, EL PASO WOULD HAVE DEFINITELY BEEN THE GREATEST PLACE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD FOR TRICK OR TREATING – We normally don’t pay too much attention to lists on random websites (the only pointless lists we trust are the ones that Simple Minded Entertainment churns out on a monthly basis, thank you very much), but it’s nice to see that El Paso was listed as the 5th best place in America to go trick-or-treating.  The list was created by SmartAsset and they try to be as objective as possible so the list is pretty solid and informative.  So what are you waiting for, start planning your trick-or-treating adventure in El Paso right now ……. And don’t forget your slutty costume.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THE UNIVERSAL RIGHT OF SELF-DETERMINATION IS MORE POWERFUL THAT ANY PIECE OF PAPER OR ANY FUCKING CONSTITUTION – Once again, Madrid has decided to make things worse than they are by forcing Spanish rule on Catalonia and making plans to remove the state’s regional autonomy.  So much like a crazy ex-girlfriend, it is butt hurt that Catalonia had an independence referendum and now wants to force Catalonia to “stay together for the kids”.  May the people of Catalonia have the strength to fight on and may this inspire others to break free from the grip of Frankenstein nations around the world.  (bbc.com)

METEORS ARE COOL, AS LONG AS THEY’RE NOT FALLING ON THE EARTH AND KILLING EVERYONE – There’s a special fall show in the heavens this weekend, and continuing into next week, as the Orionid meteor shower will liven up the night sky with a bunch of shooting stars.  So go find a nice dark place away from the city lights and enjoy one of nature’s most amazing spectacles, the meteor shower.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

LOOKS LIKE WE NOW HAVE A TRUMPGHAZI ON OUR HANDS – As the media focuses on idiot Donald Trump’s online feud with a soldier’s widow and a congresswoman, the real story here is the epic disaster in Niger that resulted in the death of 4 soldiers.  Apparently, the military was in Niger to help in the fight against terrorism in northern Africa and was caught by surprise when terrorists attacked during a “routine” meeting with local officials.  This is like being surprised that you wasted a bunch of money after going to a strip club.  Who knew that terrorists could attack during a counter-terrorism operation?  This was a failure of military intelligence and the apparent silence by the Trump administration makes it all seem a little bit more sketchier.  To add insult to injury, Sgt La David Johnson’s body was found 2 days later and he was either left behind or just ignored while everyone escaped the attack.  When Benghazi occurred, Donald Trump and his ilk bitched and complained endlessly about the government’s handling of the attack.  Losing a soldier for two fucking days after an attack that shouldn’t have happened is waaaaaay worse than Benghazi.  I wonder who Donald Trump and the racist brigade are going to blame for this one?  But I’m pretty sure they’ll find a way to blame Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.  (theguardian.com)

 

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