Simple Minded Daily Recap-ITATION! – 09/15/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

TAKING A PAGE FROM WILLY WONKA, AMAZON IS HOLDING A SHAMELESS CONTEST TO SEE WHICH CITY WILL OFFER THE MOST “INCENTIVES” TO BECOME THE SECOND HEADQUARTERS FOR THE COMPANY.  UNFORTUNATELY IF AMAZON DOES CHOOSE EL PASO, MAX GROSSMAN AND HIS IDIOT MINIONS WILL FIND A WAY TO SCARE THEM OFF – It seems like every city in the country is taking part in Amazon’s borderline reality show search for a second headquarters.  El Paso isn’t sitting back for this and the city government, the Borderplex Alliance and other regional leaders are going all in to put together a legitimate package to try and get Amazon to choose the city.  Amazon will probably choose a trendy city because they are essentially a digital hipster version of Wal-Mart, but it will be their loss if they don’t consider El Paso for their second headquarters.  So if they don’t choose El Paso?  Well, fuck them.  We’ll make our own company called Rio Grande but with blackjack and hookers and a sassy Mexican robot as CEO.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

GET WELL SOON, ESTELA – KVIA’s Estela Casas is a living legend in the Paso del Norte region who has been the most trusted face for El Paso’s news for decades.  This week Estela Casas made a powerful and emotional announcement to let viewers know that she had been diagnosed with cancer and was in the process of fighting the disease.  We wish her the best and know that Estela Casas is strong enough to kick cancer’s ass!  (kvia.com)

THIS WEEK ON “BILLY ABRAHAM’S SKETCHY ADVENTURES”:  BILLY FILES AMAZINGLY SKETCHY COURT ORDERS IN ORDER TO STOP THE FORECLOSURE AND SALE OF A BUILDING THAT HE DOESN’T EVEN OWN BECAUSE HE STOPPED PAYING THE PEOPLE THAT SOLD HIM THE BUILDING IN THE FIRST PLACE – The old train depot on the corner of I-10 and Campbell (the beautiful brick building that you see when you enter the freeway going east from downtown) has been in disrepair for a long time and, unfortunately, the “owner” was Billy Abraham.  The building found new life in past years as a preppy Mexican nightclub but, like most Billy Abraham properties, any improvement on the property depended on how much the tenant wanted to invest.  Thankfully, the building is getting a new lease on life as a couple of local investors, going under the name Campbell Depot LLC, bought the mortgage note from the Zuni Pueblo (the original owners that were shafted by Abraham) and then won the foreclosure auction on the building for $950,000 this week.  Do yourself a favor and read the entire drama-filled report about the auction found in El Paso Inc., it’s better than most TV shows or movies.  Not only did Billy Abraham try to halt the auction with some amazingly iffy legal maneuvering and questionable documents, but he bid $960,000 to buy back the building in a cash only auction as a last ditch effort to stall for time!  If Billy Abraham had $960,000 in cash this whole fucking auction wouldn’t have been necessary at all!  Billy Abraham is skeevy and his adventures make you shout out “is this even legal?” every five minutes, but at least he hasn’t torn down any of his historic properties so he scores some points for that.  Join us again next week for another episode of “Billy Abraham’s Sketchy Adventures”.  (elpasoinc.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THE PEOPLE OF ST. LOUIS ARE ANGRY ONCE MORE AND PROTESTING AFTER A WHITE COP WENT UNPUNISHED AFTER KILLING A BLACK MAN.  YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING IF THIS IS THE SAME CASE AS LAST TIME.  NOPE, THIS IS A DIFFERENT WHITE COP THAT SHOT A DIFFERENT BLACK MAN IN ST. LOUIS ……. ST. LOUIS DOES THIS A LOT, APPARENTLY – St. Louis is going into angry protest mode AGAIN as former police officer Jason Stockley was acquitted of first-degree murder for the death of Anthony Lamar Smith.  To summarize, he was acquitted even though the details of the case painted a picture of a cop who saw one too many shitty action movies and decided to go into overkill mode with a dangerous car chase, shootout and a planted gun.  He also shouted that he was going to kill him right before he jumped out of the car AND WAS STILL ACQUITTED.  This won’t sit well in St. Louis as the anger of the community will grow and more protests will erupt out of this.  Stay tuned.  (npr.org)

TAKE A BOW, CASSINI SPACECRAFT ……. THEN CRASH INTO SATURN – It’s the end of an era as the Cassini Spacecraft finished it’s almost 20 year mission to visit and explore Saturn by diving straight into the planet in a blaze of glory.  Over the years, the Cassini probe mission gave us valuable information on Saturn, its moons and its rings.  But the little spaceship that could finally reached the end of its usefulness and did one last science project by going straight into Saturn and transmitting to the very end.  If you’re gonna die, crashing into Saturn is a pretty badass way to die.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

NOW YOU’RE SAYING THAT TRANSFORMERS ARE REAL?  WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE! – The rise of artificial intelligence might one day destroy humanity, but at least we’ll be murdered by awesome transformers!  Scientists in Belgium’s Universite Libre de Bruxelles are working on a “morphable” drone consisting of many small ball shaped robots that are controlled by one “brain” robot that all work together and change the shape of the group depending on what they are needed for.  So basically it’s more like Voltron than Transformers, but it’s still some pretty cool research.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

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