Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 06/30/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT MIGHT COST A BIT MORE, BUT I HOPE THEY PUT THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE IN CHARGE OF THE EL PASO/LAS CRUCES SUPER COMMUTER TRAIN – A recently completed study has shown what we’ve known all along, that El Paso and Las Cruces can support a commuter rail line to finally connect both cities with low cost transportation.  There have been some bus line experiments in the past connecting El Paso and Las Cruces, but a commuter rail line would be a major game changer for the region.  The study by the Center for Neighborhood Technology finds the price tag for such a project to be upwards of $120 million with a projected price per ride between $3 and $4 with stops in various of the communities between El Paso and Las Cruces.  Although the study practically ignored the impact that riders from Juarez would have on the project, it seems like a fair assessment of the the region’s capabilities to handle a rail line.  Now we just have to get the El Paso and Las Cruces area governments to act competently and work together ……. so basically this will be done sometime in the next ten to one hundred years.  (kfoxtv.com)

IT’S EASY TO CRITICIZE LOCAL GOVERNMENT ENTITIES FOR BEING INCOMPETENT.  BUT NOTHING IS MORE WASTEFUL AND INCOMPETENT THAN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT – After all the time and money wasted on trying to prosecute the educators involved in the alleged EPISD cheating scandal, Judge David Briones declared a mistrial due to documents not being turned in on time by the FBI or the U.S. Attorney’s office.  So after almost two weeks into the trial, the Feds just said “OOPS!” and hit the reset button because of their amazingly incompetent mistake.  Normally someone would lose their job over such a stupid lapse of judgment, but because this is the federal government someone will probably get a promotion instead.  Just like Baby Huey, the federal government just waddles along crushing everything in its past and doing whatever it wants with no real understanding of the consequences.  So now we’ll got not one, BUT TWO, trials that will give a slap on the wrist to district administrators for very low-level white collar crimes.  Money well spent!  (kvia.com)

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM ……. THEN WE SCREAM FOR REFUNDS – The Ice Cream Festival will be returning to Cohen Stadium this weekend and promoters are promising it will be much better than last year.  It seems like organizers learned their lesson and the event this year will be a great time for everyone and a chance to enjoy some locally produced ice cream as well as new tastes from elsewhere.  The reviews for the last Ice Cream Festival found online are pretty humorous and at least we are assured it won’t be this bad this time out – because according to the reviews, nothing can be as poorly planned as the last Ice Cream Festival.  So take a chance and give the Ice Cream Festival at Cohen Stadium another shot this weekend.  At best it will be a great time for the whole family and at worst it will give you the opportunity to write a scathing review online.  (kfoxtv.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S JUST LIKE AN EPISODE OF AIRWOLF!  IF AIRWOLF WAS VENEZUELAN, HAD VERY LOW LEVEL TECHNOLOGY AND WASN’T VERY GOOD AT IT’S JOB (IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT AIRWOLF IS, LOOK FOR IT ON YOUTUBE NOW!) – The Venezuela crisis went to a whole new level this week when a lone helicopter was used to attack the supreme court and government buildings in a relatively weak strike that caused little to no damage.  Just to make the whole thing a bit more absurd, the person leading the attack was Oscar Perez, a member of Venezuela’s elite police force, who just happens to be an actor and a serial social media user.  Just when you think that things can’t get any crazier in Venezuela, you get a random helicopter trying to start a coup.  Maybe next week someone will fly a drone straight up President Nicolas Maduro’s ass and finally end this bullshit that Venezuela is going through.  One can hope.  (bbc.com)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CANADA.  YOU’RE THE BEER-GUZZLING, HOCKEY-WATCHING UNCLE THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD LOVES AND WANTS TO PARTY WITH – This weekend Canada celebrates its 150th birthday and people all over Canada, and the world, are ready to celebrate.  So if you know any Canadians or are within shouting distance of Canada, make sure to yell out “Happy Birthday” and then get completely drunk – it’s the Canadian way!  (gulfnews.com)

IT TURNS OUT THAT ONE OF THE MOST ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS IN THE WORLD HAD A WEIRD SKULL WORSHIP CULT GOING ON.  WHO KNEW THE MOST ANCIENT CIVILIZATION IN THE WORLD WAS A HARDCORE HEAVY METAL CULT THAT LIKED HEADBANGING A LITTLE TOO MUCH – Gobekli Tepe in Turkey is an archaeological site in Turkey that dates back to nearly 12,000 years ago and that consistently offers new clues into our ancient origins.  Recent research at the site has shown signs of skull decorating and worship at the site and the discovery just adds another layer of mystery to what we know about the ancient civilization in that area.  This research offers an amazing glimpse into what we thought were simply basic Neolithic peoples, but few people will truly recognize this impact because some idiot is just going to turn all this information into some ancient aliens bullshit YouTube video and that’s all that people will ever learn from this.  So we’ll just get the ball rolling and be the first ones to state that Gobekli Tepe was founded by headbanging aliens that loved death metal.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

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