Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 06/23/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE BORDERLAND IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCORCHING HEAT WAVE BUT AT LEAST IT’S NOT PHOENIX.  EVEN HELL IS GRATEFUL THAT IT IS NOT PHOENIX – Summer is upon us and temperatures around El Paso and the greater Mogollon region are expected to get close to 110 degrees Fahrenheit in some spots.  Naturally, this has brought up El Paso’s summer pastime of people acting like they’ve never seen high temperatures before even though it happens every fucking year.  This is not to be confused with El Paso’s winter pastime of people acting like they’ve never seen snow even though it also happens every fucking year.  Though this weekend will not see “extreme” record breaking temps, it’s still a typical El Paso summer heat spell and people should take the necessary precautions.  So drink lots of water and don’t do anything stupid that might leave you outside in dangerous conditions during the day.  And let us all marvel at the fact that large corporations choose Phoenix over El Paso to set up shop simply because of “white collar racism” and would rather roast in 120+ degree temperature than set up in a community that has a Hispanic majority.  (kfoxtv.com)

ONCE AGAIN, A DANGEROUS DUST STORM NEAR LORDSBURG HAS CAUSED A MAJOR ACCIDENT ON I-10 AND, ONCE AGAIN, THE AUTHORITIES WILL SHRUG THEIR SHOULDERS AND CLAIM NOTHING CAN BE DONE – Six people lost their lives on Sunday when a massive dust storm west of Lordsburg caused a 25 vehicle pileup on I-10.  Aside from being lucky, there’s really nothing that any of the drivers on the road at that moment could have done to try and prevent a tragedy.  The area where the accident occurred is near the Lordsburg Playa and it consistently is one of the biggest dust storm hot spots in the southwest – a dust storm hot spot that is split in two by a major highway!  Although the government will try to wash their hands of this disaster, this sort of thing has happened for so long that you would think by now they would have a system to try and prevent this.  Maybe have a plan where the freeway is shut down in this area during dust storms, where cars are funneled through a lower speed alternate route that connects with I-10 away from the danger zone.  Or maybe they can stop cattle from eating up necessary vegetation in an area that is already practically devoid of plants.  Or maybe the state or the feds can just buy up the whole playa and surrounding area, turn it into a nature preserve and plant a bunch of trees and plants along I-10 to offer some protection from the dust.  Six people are dead and countless are injured; at what point is the outrage large enough for the government to do something other than trying to “harden the soil” and shrugging their shoulders.  (kvia.com)

A NEW UNDERWEAR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN SEEKS TO CAPITALIZE ON FANS OF THE EL PASO CHIHUAHUAS, CHICO AND CHICO’S CROTCH – Russell Athletic’s FreshForce underwear line is launching an advertising campaign that includes Chico the Chihuahua and it’s everything you would expect and more!  For some reason Chico the Chihuahua uses underwear but what is more perplexing is that his crotch is extraordinarily hot and only FreshForce underwear can cool his groin to an acceptable temperature range.  I don’t want to oversell it, but here are some of the magical highlights of this glorious commercial:  dozens of subtle references to Chico’s testicles, scientific evidence that shows that Chico’s crotch is 150 degrees Fahrenheit, shameless El Paso clichés that border on prejudice, a fully nude Chico (with crotch blurred out) getting hosed down at a car wash and Chico and others sniffing his underwear.  Just because of this commercial I will buy at least 2 pairs of red FreshForce underwear so I can be like Chico and have cool balls.  If you love Chico and have ever wanted to sniff his underwear, this is the commercial for you!  (kvia.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IS THIS THE END OF ISIS? – Iraqi forces have almost full control of Mosul and that has made the daesh cunts of ISIS even more psychotic than they already are.  Many people said that the destruction of the Great Mosque of al-Nuri by ISIS would be a sign of the impending end of the group and that is exactly what has happened.  The desperate terrorist organization has lost most of its territory and has nowhere to go and will now do as much damage as possible to whatever territory they still hold.  Add to this the apparent death of their leader as a result of a Russian air attack in Syria and we might just be seeing the complete destruction of ISIS.  Not to be outdone, the group is claiming that American bombs were responsible for the destruction of the mosque in Mosul even though the video clearly shows that it was a controlled explosion with no sign of any attack coming from above.  ISIS might die, but the propaganda war will continue and, sadly, another terrorist group will take its place.  This is the tragic cycle of the War on Terror.  (bbc.com)

LADIES, LADIES DON’T FIGHT.  YOU’RE BOTH EQUALLY HORRIBLE LARGE CORPORATIONS THAT BULLY BUSINESSES AND SUFFOCATE COMPETITION – In news of “pot calling the kettle black”, Amazon this week called Wal-Mart a bully for trying to get its technology suppliers to switch away from Amazon’s cloud computing service if they wanted to keep on doing business with Wal-Mart.  It’s beyond humorous that Amazon is calling Wal-Mart a bully when both companies have a reputation for undercutting competitors and choking out their rivals.  Amazon’s web services division is one of the few areas of the company that actually generates a healthy profit and this might be why they got so bitchy about Wal-Mart asking its suppliers to find another company for their cloud services and online computing needs.  On their end, Wal-Mart said they asked for this move because they don’t want their vital information in the grasp of their competitor’s computer network.  But who are we kidding, both these companies are bitchy bullies who not only want to damage their competition but also come off as victims.  (bbc.com)

SCIENCE HAS NOW PROVEN WHAT NORMAL, RATIONAL PEOPLE HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS; THAT PEOPLE WHO PAY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR HEADPHONES ARE COMPLETE, FUCKING IDIOTS – A recent scientific study published in The Journal of the Acoustical Society of America titled “No correlation between headphone frequency response and retail price” has found no objectively measurable difference between headphones regardless of price.  Much like the morons who deny that climate change exists despite all the scientific evidence, people who buy Beats and other overpriced brands of headphones will make up some random statistic or bullshit anecdotal evidence to justify their insufferable commitment to being idiots.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

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