Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/27/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

GO SUPPORT LOCAL MUSIC.  AND I’M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT KHALID – The El Paso International Music Foundation is sponsoring “Locals Week” again this year and it promises to showcase even more local musicians.  The event is spread out over multiple venues and multiple days and includes many free events.  The event is finishing up this weekend, so be sure to go to your nearest music-centric bar and jam out to some talented El Paso-area artists.  The bands, venues and schedules are too numerous to list.  So just check out the neat little write up on El Paso Herald Post for more details.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

THE EL PASO MUSEUM OF ART HAS FINALLY FINISHED ITS RENOVATION PROJECT AND THE NEW AND IMPROVED MUSEUM IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.  I WONDER IF THEY FINALLY CREATED A SPACE FOR MURALS AND PRISON ART FEATURING SAD CLOWNS AND OLD ENGLISH LETTERING – This Friday, the El Paso Museum Of Art will be holding the grand opening for the newly renovated second floor of the museum.  This renovation is a few years in the making and was part of the museum’s Refresh Project that also saw the renovation of the museum’s Kress collection.  The renovation promises to make the museum more accessible for patrons as well as allowing more of the museum’s collection to be shown to the public.  As long as they have paintings of pretty naked girls, I support all the city’s arts and culture expenditures.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

GOOD SHOW, DONA ANA COUNTY PUBLIC TRANSIT!  THERE’S GOING TO BE A BUS LINE THAT CONNECTS HATCH AND OTHER COMMUNITIES TO LAS CRUCES!  MEANWHILE IN EL PASO, SOCORRO HAS NEGATIVE BUS STOPS AND EL PASO HAS ANTI-CONNECTIVITY WITH NEARBY CITIES LIKE HORIZON – Dona Ana County’s South Central Regional Transit will be adding the ‘Green Line’ that will connect locations such as Hatch, Salem, La Placitas, Rincon, Radium Springs, Doña Ana, Doña Ana Community College, Mountain View Hospital and Memorial Hospital.  The planned service is decades in the making and will give much needed regional connectivity to the growing communities north of Las Cruces.  Public transit is a very good use of a community’s limited resources and it’s good to see that the Mesilla Valley is taking the lead in the region’s public transit needs.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

 FORCING PEOPLE TO LIVE “HAPPILY” UNDER A COMMON FLAG AND GOVERNMENT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA.  IT RARELY WORKS.  AND WHEN IT DOES, IT WORKS BADLY – Once upon a time, the vast of majority of Africa was divided up by idiot European powers for the sole purpose of exploiting the people and natural resources.  No care was given to existing cultural and tribal divisions and the borders were drawn haphazardly by people who were equal parts greedy and stupid.  When African “nations” gained independence, they kept the exact same borders and even expanded upon them because the new people in power liked the greedy part of the European drawn borders.  One of the victims of this clusterfuck was Cameroon which combined different peoples that eventually led to French-speaking and English-speaking parts of the country.  This linguistic conflict runs deeper than simply language and a good portion of the country has suffered because of the greedy powers-that-be that want as much territory as they can get their hands on.  The government will be holding a “national dialogue” on September 30 to try and solve this crisis, but when the leaders of Cameroon are a borderline dictatorship – it’s very hard to get anything meaningful done.  And on top of all that, very few of the separatists will be involved in the talks.  It’s good to see that they’re at least acknowledging the problem.  But the world has a long way to go before the issue of Frankenstein countries finally gets fixed.  (africanews.com)

A MILLION PEOPLE ON MARS IN A HUNDRED YEARS.  SOUNDS GREAT, LET’S START NOW – A paper in the journal New Space showcases a plan to sustain a population of one million Martian colonists using only locally-sourced foods.  The plan would take about one hundred years, but eventually a large Martian population would not have to depend on imported food from Earth.  The plan focuses on plant-based, insect-based and lab grown foods that could be efficiently grown on Mars.  In addition, these sustainable food options could be used on Earth and on space-based colonies to make more efficient use of limited resources.  I vote for fungus.  We can eat them AND use them as a construction material.  Everybody wins!  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

SADLY, THIS IS HOW THE REST OF THE WORLD LOOKS AT DONALD TRUMP AND AMERICA.  HELL, EVERYONE IN AMERICA THAT ISN’T A FASCIST BOOTLICKER LOOKS AT IDIOT TRUMP THE SAME WAY – Activist Greta Thunberg gave a stirring speech at this week’s UN climate summit and Donald Trump just waddled around the whole place as everyone stared at him like he was some sort of imbecile.  But the look that Greta Thunberg gave him was a great metaphor for the disdain every sane person in the world has for this moron.  Donald Trump did a lot of stupid shit this week (when doesn’t he do stupid shit?) and is well on his way to an impeachment hearing because of it.  But the perfect visual for Donald Trump’s week – and entire life – is the disgusted look on Greta Thunberg’s face.  We all feel that way, Greta.  We all feel that way.  (bbc.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/20/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

DRIVING 100 MPH ON A CITY STREET IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT DOING IT WHILE DRUNK AND THEN CAUSING A DEADLY ACCIDENT JUST MAKES YOU A CRIMINAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER – Joel Garcia is the cunt that decided to drive his car over 100 mph, while drunk, and ran a red light that caused an accident that claimed the lives of 3 people.  He was recently found guilty of 3 counts of intoxication manslaughter and now awaits the sentencing for his crimes.  The max sentence that can be given to him is 20 years and here’s hoping that they throw the book at him and give him 20 years for each of the three victims – served consecutively so he never sees the light of day.  He was a repeat drunk driver who decided to get drunk and drive again and obviously never learned his lesson.  But the worst part is that he was driving 100 MPH ON A FUCKING NORMAL CITY STREET WITH TRAFFIC LIGHTS!  His genius lawyer said he wasn’t drunk, but that only makes his crime even worse.  That would mean he NEGLIGENTLY DROVE HIS CAR OVER 100 MPH ON A REGULAR STREET WHILE SOBER!  AND THEN RAN A RED LIGHT!  Fuck this guy!  They should give him life in prison and start charging speeders that break the law by a substantial amount with the same level of punishment as drunk drivers.  Drunk driving is bad, but driving your car at irresponsible speeds is much worse.  (cbs4local.com)

LET’S ALL GO WATCH RHINOS PLAY WITH THEMSELVES!  HMMMM, THAT SORT OF CAME OUT WRONG.  LET’S JUST GO WATCH THEM PLAY A HOCKEY SCRIMMAGE – The El Paso Rhinos are back and the reigning back to back Thorne Cup Champions will start the new season with a free inter-squad scrimmage today.  The team is consistently the most successful sports team in El Paso and the surrounding region and we should all give them a hand.  So go support your Rhinos as they get ready to start another hockey season.  Here’s to more championships!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LA UNION CORN MAZE IS BACK!  THE MAGICAL TIME WHERE DRUNK COLLEGE STUDENTS AND YOUNG CHILDREN SHOW THE SAME MENTAL APTITUDE BY GETTING LOST IN AN OVERSIZED MAZE – Autumn is slowly creeping into the region and La Union Corn Maze has returned as a harbinger for the changing season.  The corn maze will open this Saturday and will stay open until a few days after Halloween on November 3.  This year’s maze design celebrates the 50th anniversary of Western Tech, but I still think my idea of Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Michael Myers Vs. Godzilla would have been a better maze design.  The maze is aimed for families but everyone can enjoy it.  Let’s face it, teens and college students have been known to get drunk before going to the maze and playing games up to and including ‘grab ass’.  So it’s fun for the whole family!  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THE WORLD HAS A NEW BOOGEY MAN AND THAT BOOGEY MAN IS E-CIGARETTES AND VAPING. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! – In the past few months there have been 530 cases of what many believe to be a vaping-linked lung disease, with 8 of those cases resulting in death.  Preexisting conditions and illegal modifications of e-cigarettes are believed to be a cause in many of those illnesses, but that hasn’t stopped hysteria from taking over among those in power who want to earn points for upcoming elections.  Alcohol, semi-automatic firearms and high fructose corn syrup are responsible for thousands of illnesses and deaths every month, but we can’t focus on real issues because big, bad e-cigarettes are roaming the halls of all the world’s schools looking to addict and rape all the children.  Imagine if an e-cigarette rapes a middle school student and gives her lung disease and gets her pregnant?  The ensuing abortion/drug/health insurance debate would cause cranial explosions in most conservatives.  Please, think of the children – but only if they’re white and affluent.  (reuters.com)

HAPPY 80TH ANNIVERSARY, BATMAN – September 21 is Batman Day and we here at Simple Minded Entertainment will be celebrating by wearing our Batman undies all weekend long.  Even though the September date seems a bit arbitrary and is not really tied to any Batman-centric event, we will follow DC’s lead and treat this like his actual birthday (yes, we are aware Batman is fictional and does not have an actual birthday).  The holiday will be a world-wide event featuring pop-up shops, themed events, book releases and the Bat-signal shining in cities throughout the world.  Viva Batman!  (newsweek.com)

A CONFLICT IS BREWING IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHERE THE CIA AND AMERICAN ASSETS ARE NOT (WINK, WINK) SERVING AS AGITATORS.  WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS BEFORE? – Last weekend’s attack on Saudi oil production facilities “miraculously” had minimal casualties and the damage was not as significant as previously thought.  It couldn’t have gone better even if it was planned by outside forces to escalate a war in the region (wink, wink).  The Houthi rebels in Yemen claimed responsibility for the attack, but they pretty much take credit for everything that bites Saudi Arabia in the ass so they might not be 100% reliable.  The Saudis and Americans claim Iran did it and Iran blames America and the Saudis.  No one here is 100% reliable here and the addition of Donald Trump and friends to the equation adds a steaming pile of bullshit to the existing shit show.  On the home front, it seems like Donald Trump might have been trying to extort Ukraine to attack Joe Biden – so it seems like there is a shit show everywhere this week.  Maybe if Iran makes up bullshit conspiracy theories about Joe Biden and all of Donald Trump’s political enemies, they can sell the information to Donald Trump and get all sanctions removed.  Maybe this is how we finally get peace in the Middle East!  (bbc.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/13/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

SMART BUS IS BACK!  AND THIS TIME HE’S TAKING OVER ALAMEDA AND DYER! – After years of cockteasing, Sun Metro will finally launch the Brio smart bus rapid transit network on Alameda and Dyer this month.  The first Brio service launched on North Mesa a few years ago and now Alameda and Dyer will get improved service, speed and free wi-fi on the new dedicated routes along the major streets.  Montana was supposedly the next Brio project after this, but with construction coming up on the street I wouldn’t be surprised if Montwood became the new candidate to receive the Brio smart bust treatment.  It’s not rail transportation, but smart bus is no joke.  Smart bus is smart, dammit.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

RIVER OAKS WILL BUILD ONE MEELEEON BEELEEON SHOPPING CENTERS IN EL PASO WITHIN THE NEXT FEW YEARS.  BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING EL PASO NEEDS MORE OF, IT IS MINI MALLS – In exciting news for fans of strip malls, River Oaks Properties has announced that they will build 11 new shopping centers in the region.  The construction projects will be built in 2019 and 2020 and will add 500,000 square feet of shopping space – mainly around Far East and Northwest El Paso.  When asked for a comment, a spokesperson for River Oaks simply started yelling, “SHOPPING CENTERS!  SHOPPING CENTERS!  SHOPPING CENTERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

HEY KIDS, HERE’S ANOTHER CHANCE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE INTERNET WHEN THEY ASK YOU TO NAME SOMETHING.  FEEL FREE TO MAKE UP THE DUMBEST NAME YOU CAN THINK OF – El Paso Animal Services has a new giant dog mascot and they want you to name it.  Although the online voting only lets you choose between Franklin, Sunny and Wilson; who says you can’t submit an anonymous email and ask them to name it something else.  Feel free to submit a stupid name, kids.  Don’t let the man stop your dreams.  I suggest the names ‘Rabies The Dog’, ‘Poochie The Dog’, ‘Chico The Chihuahua 3000’ or ‘Dee Margo Is An Incompetent Mayor The Dog’.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

I DON’T KNOW WHAT GOD OR GODS THE BAHAMAS PISSED OFF.  BUT I DON’T EVER WANT TO PISS OFF THOSE CELESTIAL FUCKERS – Almost two weeks after Hurricane Dorian devastated parts of the Bahamas, over one thousand people are still missing and another tropical storm is expected to hit the area over the weekend.  Though the new storm isn’t as strong as the monstrous Hurricane Dorian, a new storm passing by so soon is like rubbing salt on the wound.  Take care, Bahamas.  (reuters.com)

HONG KONG HAS A NEW UNOFFICIAL NATIONAL ANTHEM NOW.  THIS WILL PROBABLY NOT END WELL – Although people are saying that the protests in Hong Kong are ‘pro-democracy rallies’, the obvious truth is that these are pro-independence rallies in an extremely volatile part of the world.  At this point, Hong Kong would gladly welcome a communist regime or ultra religious caliphate if it meant that they would gain independence from China.  This week saw the most powerful symbolic gestures yet in the protests as the people of Hong Kong booed the Chinese national anthem during Hong Kong’s World Cup qualifying match and also started singing a new Hong Kong anthem – “Glory To Hong Kong” – in flash mobs throughout the territory.  To a country like China that gets extremely butt-hurt over symbolic things like flags and national anthems, this new action by Hong Kong is perhaps the most startling.  Who knows how this is going to end, but it’s not going to be pretty.  The ‘one country, two systems’ policy looks dead in the water and either China comes in and invades the entire thing or Hong Kong does the impossible and manages to become an independent state.  The countdown to 2047 continues.  (bbc.com)

LOOKS LIKE EDDIE MONEY HAS USED ONE OF HIS TICKETS.  REST IN PEACE, EDDIE MONEY – In sad news in the world of rock music, Eddie Money has passed away at the age of 70.  He had an amazing career that included massive hits in the ‘70s and ‘80s.  He was a musical icon and continued to rock and appear on TV until the day he died.  Among his hits are the songs “Two Tickets to Paradise”, “Take Me Home Tonight”, “Walk on Water” and “Baby Hold On”.  The man is gone, but his music will live on and will always pop up whenever someone does anything involving the ‘80s.  It’s federal law that you must include an Eddie Money song if you ever do a movie or TV show set in the ‘80s.  Keep on rocking up there, Eddie Money.  (deadline.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/06/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S LOOKING LIKE VISTA HILLS COUNTRY CLUB WILL NOT BE SAVED.  WE’LL BE LUCKY IF THEY MANAGE TO SALVAGE A MINI-GOLF COURSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INEVITABLE MINI MALL THAT SPROUTS UP AT THE LOCATION – The financial clusterfuck that is Vista Hills Country Club keeps sputtering along with no resolution in site.  Plans and possible offers have popped up according to many news outlets, but the current ownership group somehow feels like they have leverage and is holding back for a magical super deal that will never be offered.  The bills keep piling up and Vista Hills Country Club and the surrounding homes are on the verge of becoming a dilapidated weed garden.  Let’s just get this over with and turn the thing into a public park and golf course like Ascarate – the local government already spends tons of money on pointless projects, might as well do something useful with our tax dollars.  (cbs4local.com)

AND SO ENDS THE HUNT FOR THE MONTWOOD EMBEZZLING BANDIT – Former Montwood High School booster club treasurer Stacey Telles turned herself over to the police after a warrant was issued for her arrest in the alleged embezzlement of around $50,000 from the Montwood booster club.  It was initially believed she was on the run, but even the famous Montwood Bandit knew she was no match for the El Paso Police Department   Stealing is wrong, but stealing from a bunch of high school students is severely fucked up and the only thing that would have been worse were if the band were made up of terminally ill and mentally handicapped kids.  But maybe that’s the next goal for the Montwood Bandit.  Perhaps the most surprising thing was that a high school band booster club had $50,000 to steal.  I know parents waste tons of money on random things like high school football, but who knew parents wasted that much money on high school band as well.  Never live your life through your kids, you’ll just end up spending more money than is logically reasonable on pointless shit.  (cbs4local.com)

HOORAY!  IT’S DOGGIE SWIMMING DAY! – You know it’s the end of the summer when they allow pet owners to bring their dogs in for a final swim before they drain the pools.  This weekend will be El Paso’s Doggie Swimming Weekend and dog owners are encouraged to bring their doggos for a cool day at the pool.  Owners will be charged $2 per dog and must have shot records for all the participating pets.  I’m not sure if you can go if you don’t have a dog.  But as long as you don’t tell anyone, no one will judge you for being the guy that doesn’t have a pet and just goes to look at other people’s dogs.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

HURRICANE DORIAN BASICALLY ANNIHILATED THE BAHAMAS AND JUST MISSED FLORIDA BY A HAIR.  AS MIAMI’S MOTTO STATES:  IT’S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN COMPETENT – Hurricane Dorian continues its North America tour this weekend as the hurricane now finds itself barreling toward Canada(!) and the Nova Scotia area.  Though the hurricane is now severely weakened, that was not the case when the storm hit the Bahamas as a category 5 storm and then just stayed over the islands for what seemed like days.  The devastation in the Abacos Islands and Grand Bahama is staggering and the death toll of 43 is expected to rise drastically as the full extent of the damage comes into view.  Florida was extremely lucky to avoid this storm and one can only imagine the catastrophe that would have unfolded if good luck and/or divine intervention hadn’t intervened.  Hell, even Lucifer probably had a hand in steering this thing away from Miami.  (reuters.com)

BREXIT IS STILL A DISASTER – Britain’s parliament has just passed laws that force Prime Minister Boris Johnson to ask the EU for a delay in Brexit if no deal is reached by October 31.  This was done to prevent a no deal Brexit and to stop Boris Johnson from exercising dictator-like powers and forcing the UK out of the EU without any plan.  It’s still possible that Boris Johnson does something stupid and ignores the law to get his precious no-deal Brexit.  But that would be an unprecedented act and even Boris Johnson isn’t as stupid and oblivious as Donald Trump … we hope.  So yeah, the Brexit debate is going to continue for a little longer.  Maybe they should let the people vote all over again and let them choose from the options on the table.  (bbc.com)

MOVE OVER, GONORRHEA.  THERE’S A NEW BATCH OF HORRIFYING SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS LURKING ABOUT – When it comes to Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), most people know about the basics like syphilis and chlamydia.  But there are over 30 documented STIs and they all cause a  fair bit of damage.  Acording to doctors, it seems like 4 of the lesser known infections are becoming more common and more dangerous due to antibiotic resistance.  The 4 infections that are causing worry are Mycoplasma genitalium, Neisseria meningitidis, Shigella Flexneri and Lymphogranuloma venereum.  They are all pretty bad and you can read up more on this nightmare fuel over at Discover Magazine.  Yet even with all this crazy shit stumbling about, people still have unprotected sex.  It’s almost as if humans just want to die.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)