April 2019 – Simple Minded Entertainment 2018

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 04/26/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

REST IN PEACE, MARK MEDOFF – One of Las Cruces’ most notable residents passed away this week and the loss leaves a very large gap in the area’s arts scene. Mark Medoff was best known for his Tony Award winning play Children Of A Lesser God which was later turned into a movie that earned him an Academy Award nomination for screenwriting. Mark Medoff fell in love with Las Cruces and NMSU and decided to dedicate his life to the region and to improve the art scene around him via the multiple stage and film projects he created here. Godspeed, Mark Medoff. (kvia.com)

AIM FOR THE STARS, SUNLAND PARK! GOT GET THAT INTERNATIONAL PORT OF ENTRY – The City Of Sunland Park has been asking for a port of entry on the Mexico border for decades and it is commendable that they keep on chugging along with their plans. Although various forces at different levels of the government have pushed back on the project, this would be a great development for the city and would bring in a massive economic impact to Sunland and the communities immediately south of the border. Although the city should also be focusing on a major road to connect the community directly to the Santa Teresa port of entry, the Sunland Park International Bridge over the railroad is much more important at the moment. Kudos to the Sunland Park government for making news for something that doesn’t involve corruption or stupidity – fingers crossed that the city government doesn’t turn this into a story about corruption AND stupidity. (cbs4local.com)

MAYBE THEY CAN CONVERT THE COUNTRY CLUB INTO A TRENDY DOUCHEBAR. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TRENDY DOUCHEBARS ARE THE ONLY BUSINESSES THAT DON’T HAVE FINANCIAL PROBLEMS ON THE EASTSIDE – After decades of existence, the Vista Hills Country Club will close its doors at the end of the month due to lack of funds and plummeting membership. The country club tried to develop some land and turn it into a residential subdivision in order to raise funds, but the neighbors bitched and complained and now they will lose the country club and will possibly lose the entire golf course to new developments when it is sold off. Good job, pearl-clutchers! And so we say goodbye to the Vista Hills Country Club and hope that it can at least be salvaged as a private golf course or some sort of public park. (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IN AN ACT OF SENSELESS VIOLENCE, BASTARD TERRORISTS ATTACKED HOTELS AND CHURCHES IN SRI LANKA. SRI LANKA … OF ALL PLACES! – Who knows what strategic value Sri Lanka has to terrorist organizations, but this small country just recovering from years of conflict was ground zero for an Easter attack against the incredibly tiny population of Christians on the island. Over 250 people lost their life in various coordinated church and hotel bombings on Easter and the authorities are scrambling to make up for their lack of action leading up to the attacks. Stay safe, Sri Lanka. (bbc.com)

A STRONG CYCLONE HAS STRUCK MOZAMBIQUE, CAUSING IMMENSE DAMAGE TO COASTAL COMMUNITIES. THIS ISN’T AN OLD HEADLINE! ANOTHER(!) MASSIVE CYCLONE HAS STRUCK MOZAMBIQUE THIS YEAR – Last time we checked on Mozambique, a few weeks ago, Cyclone Idai hit the country with the force of a major hurricane and caused intense damage and loss of life. In an amazingly rare occurrence (that may soon become the norm with an ever chaotic climate), Cyclone Kenneth hit the country’s coast this week with the force of a category 4 hurricane. Much like the previous disaster, it is feared that hundreds may lose their lives and thousands will lose their homes and/or livelihood. Major hurricanes normally don’t hit the African coast this often. So to have two major hurricanes slam into Africa in one season is a very rare occurrence indeed. (bbc.com)

WHICH COMIC BOOK MOVIE IS POISED TO BREAK ALL THE BOX OFFICE RECORDS THIS WEEKEND? IS THE ANSWER HELLBOY? DAMMIT, I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS TRIVIA THING – Avengers: Endgame comes out this weekend and most experts predict it will shatter most first weekend box office records around the world and maybe even gross over $1 billion worldwide in one weekend. I’m pretty sure everyone is at the theatres this moment, so I’ll just stop typing and wish everyone good luck in getting a ticket to the movie. (deadline.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 04/19/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

ALL HAIL KHALID! KING OF POP MUSIC AND PATRON SAINT OF EL PASO – Khalid has been having a hell of a year so far with a number one album and a co-headlining spot on the ever-popular Coachella Festival. To add to his ever growing list of accomplishments, Time Magazine has just named him to their 100 Most Influential People Of 2019 list. We wish Khalid good luck on the rest of his year and we’re glad to see him make El Paso proud. (elpasoinc.com)

WHEN ALL YOU HAVE IS INCOMPETENCE, EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A POTENTIAL DRAINAGE POND – Many cities around the world, that get massive amounts of rain, deal with storm water with many tools that do not include massive drainage ponds. It is ironic that a desert city like El Paso has perhaps the highest number per capita of drainage ponds in the whole wide world – and they don’t even bother turning them into park ponds or open space! In fact, El Paso Water Utilities has built so many drainage ponds that there is one behind you at this very minute looking over your shoulder. So it’s no surprise that they are planning yet another massive drainage pond in Northeast El Paso – off Dyer – and want to use eminent domain to buy up the four remaining properties needed to create their precious pond. Heaven forbid their new drainage pond be reduced from 250 acres to 249 acres, that would throw off their careful calculations and require even more drainage ponds to be built in the area to compensate for the change. So if you are looking for an easy job, just apply with El Paso Water Utilities. The entire job consists of answering ‘DRAINAGE POND’ to every question and then digging holes in the ground. (cbs4local.com)

HAPPY 5OTH ANNIVERSARY, EPCC! UTEP’S LITTLE BROTHER IS A LITTLE BIT OLDER, BUT WE ALL KNOW HE’S STILL GOING TO CELEBRATE AT ONE OF THE DOUCHEBARS IN THE EASTSIDE’S GEORGE DIETER/ZARAGOZA DOUCHEMUDA TRIANGLE – In honor of El Paso Community College’s 50 years of existence, the El Paso Museum of History will be hosting an exhibition covering the college’s past and legacy. So if you’ve ever wondered how the most drunktastic college in the world got its start, look no further than the museum’s El Paso Community College’s 50^th Anniversary: Honoring the Past, Building the Future exhibit. The display starts this Friday, April 19; so go check it out. Don’t tell UTEP, but we’ve always considered EPCC to be the cool brother. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THERE’S A HUNCHBACK JOKE SOMEWHERE IN HERE, BUT WE’LL BE CLASSY AND KEEP QUIET – In what was a very shocking and transfixing scene, fire tore through the centuries old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris on Monday and destroyed the entire roof and spire of the cathedral. Luckily, firefighters managed to contain most of the blaze after they got to the scene and the fact that the rest of the building is made of stone helped in keeping the fire from spreading. So even though the damage is quite severe, nobody died in the blaze and that’s the best outcome anyone can hope for in a situation like this. And don’t worry about Notre Dame, as we speak millions are being pledged by people around the world and renovation plans are already underway. The new Notre Dame will be more spectacular and will hopefully not include a highly flammable roof made of wood. (bbc.com)

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE ‘BUBBLE BOY’ DISEASE, THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU NOW HAVE HIV – Scientists have developed a new way to treat and cure severe combined immunodeficiency (‘bubble boy’ disease) by using a modified HIV virus. Normally, children born with this disease would have to be placed in a sterile environment – a ‘bubble’ – immediately after being born or risk dying of infection. The new treatment process involves collecting bone marrow immediately after the child is born and fixing the genetic defect in their DNA. Then the modified gene is placed into an altered HIV virus (not the real disease-causing virus, so don’t worry) and this is used to change the genetic defect in the children. The gene therapy gave eight patients fully functioning immune systems and a chance at a normal life, so it looks like this is a viable cure. Who said genetically altered organisms are bad? (bbc.com)

SEEING AS TO HOW HE LIKES TO FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF CORRUPT LEADERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD. MAYBE DONALD TRUMP CAN TAKE A CUE FROM THE EX-PRESIDENT OF PERU – Alan Garcia, ex-president of Peru, was under a corruption investigation that has taken down other politicians involved with Brazilian company Odebrecht and the pressure was building around him the past few weeks. Rather than be arrested, Alan Garcia decided to shoot himself in the head and avoid the ensuing scandal. Maybe other corrupt politicians should follow this example and spare the people a lengthy investigation and criminal process. If only other corrupt dumbasses in positions of power would be inspired by him. (reuters.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 04/12/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE FIRST RULE OF COMIC CON IS “DON’T STARE AT COSPLAY GIRLS UNCOMFORTABLY” – El Paso Comic Con is back this weekend with more comics, special guests, panels and sexy cosplay. So be sure to head to Downtown and enjoy the madness that is El Paso Comic Con. They have Power Rangers this year! (elpasoinc.com)

THE INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM OF ART NEEDS MONEY. GO GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY – The beloved art museum on Montana Avenue is asking for donations to beef up their Collections Management fund. The International Museum of Art was established in the 1940s and is the forerunner of the El Paso Museum of Art in Downtown El Paso. The museum is a very important non-profit in the El Paso area that provides a great art collection to the public and that also does a good job of showcasing local art. So hit up their IndieGoGo page and drop them a few dimes. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LET’S BRING A CHAMPIONSHIP TO EL PASO! – Good luck to the El Paso Rhinos hockey team and the Bel Air and San Elizario (boys and girls) futball teams as they all look to advance in their respective tournaments this weekend. The El Paso Rhinos will be looking at repeating as Thorne Cup champions while the high school futball teams will look at reaching the final four of the state tournament – which will be held next week. We’re all rooting for you and, win or lose, you have made us all proud. GO HIGHLANDERHINAGLES! (elpasoheraldpost.com / ktsm.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

SUDAN IS MOVING ALONG WITH ITS BLOODLESS REVOLUTION RATHER QUICKLY. BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK IT MIGHT JUST HAVE THE MOST PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT IN AFRICA – After more than 3 decades of rule, Omar al-Bashir has been removed from power as a result of a military coup encouraged by months of protests by the masses. The people of Sudan have been protesting since December due to the collapse of the country’s economy and the worsening conditions that have been felt by everyone since the latter part of 2018. Even though a new military government has been set up, people are still protesting on the street and have vowed to keep it up until reforms are implemented and a full democratic government is put in place. Hopefully this will be a turning point for Sudan and the start of a new, more democratic chapter for the country. (bbc.com)

EVEN THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION IS SHRUGGING ITS SHOULDERS OVER THE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO. SURE, IT’S KILLED HUNDREDS, BUT AT LEAST IT HASN’T SPREAD TO ANOTHER COUNTRY – The World Health Organization has said that although the ebola outbreak in DR Congo is severe, it is not yet at the level of a global health emergency. Over 700 people have died since last August in the northeast portion of the country due to the virus, but because of the borderline civil war in the area it is incredibly difficult to properly render aid in the region. The same conflict, however, has created an environment with poor infrastructure and population movement that also makes it hard for the virus to spread to other regions. So while the people that are trapped there are royally fucked, the danger seems to be contained to this specific geographical area. So much like the WHO, all we can do is just shrug our shoulders and hope for a best case scenario in the outbreak. (bbc.com)

EL PASO SAND TAKES VACATION TO MINNESOTA AND ELOPES WITH SNOW – In quirky weather news, the massive storm that created the high winds and dust storms in the Paso Del Norte region earlier this week hit with such force that the desert sand was carried all the way to Minnesota and Canada. The same system also created spring snow storms up north that had a special surprise in each flake. It appears that the precipitation fell as ‘dirty snow’ with flakes embedded with desert sand. So now there are little pieces of El Paso randomly scattered across Minnesota and the Great White North. Weather is weird. (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 04/05/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE BRAVOS DE JUAREZ WON’T BE PROMOTED TO THE BIG LEAGUES THIS SEASON. BUT THE COPA MX WOULD MAKE A NICE CONSOLATION – Kudos to the Bravos for defeating a storied UNAM futball club in the Copa MX semifinal this week and setting up a historic championship meeting with the douchetastic Aguilas de America next Wednesday in Juarez. And making things even sweeter for the team was the fact that local player Omar Antonio Panuco was one of the players to score for the Bravos in the game. For those that aren’t too familiar with the Mexican futball league, Club America is the Mexican equivalent of the Dallas Cowboys, New England Patriots or the Los Angeles Lakers – only much more insufferable. So it would be very, VERY cool if the Bravos kicked their ass. Good luck, Bravos, on your unlikely championship run in the Copa MX. (diario.mx)

WHEN COCA-COLA ATTACKS! I TOLD EVERYONE THAT HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP LACED DRINKS WERE HARMFUL, BUT NO ONE WOULD LISTEN – A large spill in the Coca-Cola bottling plant on the Eastside has led to a slow moving Coca-Cola sludge tsunami that has overrun most of Cook Road in the Lower Valley and closed off the neighborhood to through-traffic. The police managed to stop the flow of the spill by pouring dirt on it, but now the company will have to go in and clean it up. So until then, the road will remain closed. The local media covered this story for hours and even managed to record a harrowing bird rescue after a small bird got stuck in the sludge and had to be rescued by a random city employee with a bottle of water. The entire ordeal had the makings of a major Hollywood movie. So just to make things clear, the “CRISIS ON THE BORDER OF DOOM” is so severe and important that El Paso-area media spent hours covering the rescue of a bird from a Coca-Cola spill. (cbs4local.com)

IF ONLY THE PLAZA DE LOS LAGARTOS HAD PUBLIC RESTROOMS, THEN THEY WOULD HAVE NAMED IT THE GREATEST PUBLIC SPACE IN HISTORY! – Downtown’s historic Plaza De Los Lagartos has been named a Great Public Space by the Texas Chapter of the American Planning Association. The Plaza will now get a plaque and/or certificate and will get the satisfaction of a job well done. That’ll do Plaza, that’ll do. Imagine all the awards it will get when they build the public restrooms? I wouldn’t doubt if it gets at least 3 Oscars and 2 Emmys! According to random idiot citizens and city employees, park restrooms are important – if not the most important thing plaguing the city. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOKS LIKE LIBYA IS ABOUT TO HAVE ANOTHER CIVIL WAR. AT LEAST IT’S NOT A FLAMING CLUSTERFUCK LIKE SYRIA, SO LIBYA HAS SOMETHING TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT – Libya is on the brink of another civil war as Eastern leader Khalifa Haftar has ordered his Libyan National Army group to march on Tripoli to take control of the country from the U.N. backed government. Judging by past history, Libya should have been broken up into 3 or more countries in order to keep the factions that really don’t like each other from trying to gain dominance in the vacuum left when Gaddafi was “removed from power” in 2011. But instead of taking this opportunity to create separate nations for people that had no interest in being friends and that had a long history of animosity; the global powers decided that this kumbaya façade of a united Libya was worth maintaining for some unknown reason. And now we have a general from the east that cleaned up his own part of the country and is now looking to take Tripoli over frustrations of the west’s control over the entire country. Once more, small countries that can make their own decisions are better than giant Frankenstein countries that are dominated by one region. (bbc.com)

IT’S BEEN RAINING FOR WEEKS IN IRAN AND IT’S STILL RAINING – Over 40 people have died these past few weeks as heavy rains have contributed to massive flooding in large swaths of Iran. Evacuations have now been ordered in the southwest part of the country as the flooding is expected to grow in this region. To add to the calamity, sanctions have severely limited the amount of rescue supplies that Iran has on hand and absurd levels of deforestation in the past few decades have increased the frequency of floods of this type. As a reminder, it’s never a good idea to cut down half of your forests for industry and agriculture and then do absolutely nothing to replant and restore the lost ecosystem. (bbc.com)

JEFF BEZOS BASICALLY JUST WASTED $35 BILLION ON PUSSY. I’M STARTING TO THINK THAT JEFF BEZOS’ WEALTH MIGHT BE MORE A FUNCTION OF LUCK THAN ACTUAL DECISION MAKING SKILLS AND BUSINESS ACUMEN – The divorce between Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie has just been finalized and she will be keeping a 4% stake in the company worth upwards of $35 billion. Though Jeff Bezos will still keep voting rights on those shares and sole ownership of his other businesses, most people would agree that he overpaid for his side-pussy – which is allegedly now his permanent-pussy. Lauren Sanchez has a style that I like to call the “retired El Paso stripper look” and, if this is what Jeff Bezos likes, half the strippers in El Paso look like younger versions of her. Jeff Bezos should have just told me this was his type and I would have taken him down to Dreams Cabaret; it would have been slightly cheaper than $35 billion. For that price, Lauren Sanchez’ vagina better be covered in gold, make pancakes for breakfast every day and come with its own juice bar. (deadline.com)