Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 04/12/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE FIRST RULE OF COMIC CON IS “DON’T STARE AT COSPLAY GIRLS UNCOMFORTABLY” – El Paso Comic Con is back this weekend with more comics, special guests, panels and sexy cosplay.  So be sure to head to Downtown and enjoy the madness that is El Paso Comic Con.  They have Power Rangers this year!  (elpasoinc.com)

THE INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM OF ART NEEDS MONEY.  GO GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY – The beloved art museum on Montana Avenue is asking for donations to beef up their Collections Management fund.  The International Museum of Art was established in the 1940s and is the forerunner of the El Paso Museum of Art in Downtown El Paso.  The museum is a very important non-profit in the El Paso area that provides a great art collection to the public and that also does a good job of showcasing local art.  So hit up their IndieGoGo page and drop them a few dimes.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LET’S BRING A CHAMPIONSHIP TO EL PASO! – Good luck to the El Paso Rhinos hockey team and the Bel Air and San Elizario (boys and girls) futball teams as they all look to advance in their respective tournaments this weekend.  The El Paso Rhinos will be looking at repeating as Thorne Cup champions while the high school futball teams will look at reaching the final four of the state tournament – which will be held next week.  We’re all rooting for you and, win or lose, you have made us all proud.  GO HIGHLANDERHINAGLES! (elpasoheraldpost.com / ktsm.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

SUDAN IS MOVING ALONG WITH ITS BLOODLESS REVOLUTION RATHER QUICKLY.  BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK IT MIGHT JUST HAVE THE MOST PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT IN AFRICA – After more than 3 decades of rule, Omar al-Bashir has been removed from power as a result of a military coup encouraged by months of protests by the masses.  The people of Sudan have been protesting since December due to the collapse of the country’s economy and the worsening conditions that have been felt by everyone since the latter part of 2018.  Even though a new military government has been set up, people are still protesting on the street and have vowed to keep it up until reforms are implemented and a full democratic government is put in place.  Hopefully this will be a turning point for Sudan and the start of a new, more democratic chapter for the country.  (bbc.com)

EVEN THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION IS SHRUGGING ITS SHOULDERS OVER THE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO.  SURE, IT’S KILLED HUNDREDS, BUT AT LEAST IT HASN’T SPREAD TO ANOTHER COUNTRY – The World Health Organization has said that although the ebola outbreak in DR Congo is severe, it is not yet at the level of a global health emergency.  Over 700 people have died since last August in the northeast portion of the country due to the virus, but because of the borderline civil war in the area it is incredibly difficult to properly render aid in the region.  The same conflict, however, has created an environment with poor infrastructure and population movement that also makes it hard for the virus to spread to other regions.  So while the people that are trapped there are royally fucked, the danger seems to be contained to this specific geographical area.  So much like the WHO, all we can do is just shrug our shoulders and hope for a best case scenario in the outbreak.  (bbc.com)

EL PASO SAND TAKES VACATION TO MINNESOTA AND ELOPES WITH SNOW – In quirky weather news, the massive storm that created the high winds and dust storms in the Paso Del Norte region earlier this week hit with such force that the desert sand was carried all the way to Minnesota and Canada.  The same system also created spring snow storms up north that had a special surprise in each flake.  It appears that the precipitation fell as ‘dirty snow’ with flakes embedded with desert sand.  So now there are little pieces of El Paso randomly scattered across Minnesota and the Great White North.  Weather is weird.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 04/05/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE BRAVOS DE JUAREZ WON’T BE PROMOTED TO THE BIG LEAGUES THIS SEASON.  BUT THE COPA MX WOULD MAKE A NICE CONSOLATION – Kudos to the Bravos for defeating a storied UNAM futball club in the Copa MX semifinal this week and setting up a historic championship meeting with the douchetastic Aguilas de America next Wednesday in Juarez.  And making things even sweeter for the team was the fact that local player Omar Antonio Panuco was one of the players to score for the Bravos in the game.   For those that aren’t too familiar with the Mexican futball league, Club America is the Mexican equivalent of the Dallas Cowboys, New England Patriots or the Los Angeles Lakers – only much more insufferable.  So it would be very, VERY cool if the Bravos kicked their ass.  Good luck, Bravos, on your unlikely championship run in the Copa MX.  (diario.mx)

WHEN COCA-COLA ATTACKS!  I TOLD EVERYONE THAT HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP LACED DRINKS WERE HARMFUL, BUT NO ONE WOULD LISTEN – A large spill in the Coca-Cola bottling plant on the Eastside has led to a slow moving Coca-Cola sludge tsunami that has overrun most of Cook Road in the Lower Valley and closed off the neighborhood to through-traffic.  The police managed to stop the flow of the spill by pouring dirt on it, but now the company will have to go in and clean it up.  So until then, the road will remain closed.  The local media covered this story for hours and even managed to record a harrowing bird rescue after a small bird got stuck in the sludge and had to be rescued by a random city employee with a bottle of water.  The entire ordeal had the makings of a major Hollywood movie.  So just to make things clear, the “CRISIS ON THE BORDER OF DOOM” is so severe and important that El Paso-area media spent hours covering the rescue of a bird from a Coca-Cola spill.  (cbs4local.com)

IF ONLY THE PLAZA DE LOS LAGARTOS HAD PUBLIC RESTROOMS, THEN THEY WOULD HAVE NAMED IT THE GREATEST PUBLIC SPACE IN HISTORY! – Downtown’s historic Plaza De Los Lagartos has been named a Great Public Space by the Texas Chapter of the American Planning Association.  The Plaza will now get a plaque and/or certificate and will get the satisfaction of a job well done.  That’ll do Plaza, that’ll do.  Imagine all the awards it will get when they build the public restrooms?  I wouldn’t doubt if it gets at least 3 Oscars and 2 Emmys!  According to random idiot citizens and city employees, park restrooms are important – if not the most important thing plaguing the city.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOKS LIKE LIBYA IS ABOUT TO HAVE ANOTHER CIVIL WAR.  AT LEAST IT’S NOT A FLAMING CLUSTERFUCK LIKE SYRIA, SO LIBYA HAS SOMETHING TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT – Libya is on the brink of another civil war as Eastern leader Khalifa Haftar has ordered his Libyan National Army group to march on Tripoli to take control of the country from the U.N. backed government.  Judging by past history, Libya should have been broken up into 3 or more countries in order to keep the factions that really don’t like each other from trying to gain dominance in the vacuum left when Gaddafi was “removed from power” in 2011.  But instead of taking this opportunity to create separate nations for people that had no interest in being friends and that had a long history of animosity; the global powers decided that this kumbaya façade of a united Libya was worth maintaining for some unknown reason.  And now we have a general from the east that cleaned up his own part of the country and is now looking to take Tripoli over frustrations of the west’s control over the entire country.  Once more, small countries that can make their own decisions are better than giant Frankenstein countries that are dominated by one region.  (bbc.com)

IT’S BEEN RAINING FOR WEEKS IN IRAN AND IT’S STILL RAINING – Over 40 people have died these past few weeks as heavy rains have contributed to massive flooding in large swaths of Iran.  Evacuations have now been ordered in the southwest part of the country as the flooding is expected to grow in this region.  To add to the calamity, sanctions have severely limited the amount of rescue supplies that Iran has on hand and absurd levels of deforestation in the past few decades have increased the frequency of floods of this type.  As a reminder, it’s never a good idea to cut down half of your forests for industry and agriculture and then do absolutely nothing to replant and restore the lost ecosystem.  (bbc.com)

JEFF BEZOS BASICALLY JUST WASTED $35 BILLION ON PUSSY.  I’M STARTING TO THINK THAT JEFF BEZOS’ WEALTH MIGHT BE MORE A FUNCTION OF LUCK THAN ACTUAL DECISION MAKING SKILLS AND BUSINESS ACUMEN – The divorce between Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie has just been finalized and she will be keeping a 4% stake in the company worth upwards of $35 billion.  Though Jeff Bezos will still keep voting rights on those shares and sole ownership of his other businesses, most people would agree that he overpaid for his side-pussy – which is allegedly now his permanent-pussy.  Lauren Sanchez has a style that I like to call the “retired El Paso stripper look” and, if this is what Jeff Bezos likes, half the strippers in El Paso look like younger versions of her.  Jeff Bezos should have just told me this was his type and I would have taken him down to Dreams Cabaret; it would have been slightly cheaper than $35 billion.  For that price, Lauren Sanchez’ vagina better be covered in gold, make pancakes for breakfast every day and come with its own juice bar.  (deadline.com)