Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 03/15/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE WORST KEPT SECRET IN THE HISTORY OF EL PASO IS FINALLY OUT.  BETO O’ROURKE IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ……. OR IS HE? – In news that surprised practically no one, Beto O’Rourke has officially announced that he is running for President and will be seeking the nomination from the Democratic Party.  After months of building up hype, he kicked off his campaign by visiting small towns in Iowa and there is no doubt that he is committed to the campaign.  After Beto’s close loss to Ted Cruz in the Texas Senate campaign, his stock has only been rising and he is now one of the front-runners in the election.  Whatever happens, we still love you Beto.  You put Paso Del Norte in a positive light and always stood up when someone said negative things about the city.  Good luck, Beto O’Rourke.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

EL PASO LOST A J.C. PENNEY IN DOWNTOWN, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE GAINING AN IMPROVED BUILDING IN THE FUTURE – The loss of the J.C. Penney store in Downtown El Paso was a big economic loss for the area, but with that loss came the hope that an even bigger economic gain might be gained in the future.  That hope appears to have been rewarded as the new owners of the building – M.J.C.P. L.L.C. – look to be pushing forward with their impressive plans to fully renovate the building into an amazing mixed-use project.  The Downtown Management District has just awarded a $25,000 grant to the owners of the building as part of its Commercial Façade Improvement Grant program and this is just the latest piece of the puzzle for this ambitious project that looks to restore the building to its original glory.  Having an economic driver like J.C. Penney was nice for the area, but having that ugly concrete tomb façade that they built around the building removed and replacing it with the original look of the building will be even greater for the area.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

IT’S JUST LIKE BATTLEBOTS, BUT WITHOUT THE SPARKS AND COOL DESTRUCTION – Congratulations to the Horizon High School Robotics team for winning the state championship at the Vex State Robotics Tournament and for earning a place at the world championships that will take place in Louisville in late April.  Kudos, Horizon High Robot Wranglers.  Your reward for doing good is a trip to Louisville!  Hey, that’s not Disneyland.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

RIGHT WING NUT JOBS STRIKE AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A HORRIBLE TERRORIST ATTACK IN NEW ZEALAND.  BUT ACCORDING TO THOSE IN POWER IT’S ONLY TERRORISM WHEN PEOPLE WHO AREN’T WHITE DO IT – Tragedy struck in New Zealand when an idiot, incel, right wing, chan-user decided to take out all his frustrations and racist aggression on innocent Muslims worshiping in two Mosques in Christchurch.  As a result, 49 people were killed and many more were injured in what is the worst terrorist attack in New Zealand’s history.  What made this even more disturbing was that the cunt who did this posted about it on 8chan before starting and even sent a link to the Facebook livestream that he was running while on his terrorist attack.  Add to that the fact that tech companies were unable to stop the spread of the footage after the fact on multiple platforms and you have a situation that lays bare many of the problems that society faces today.  But honestly, fuck this guy and all the other racist fucks on the internet and the people in power who still coddle all these sick fucks by refusing to call it a terrorist attack.  We’re living in really fucked up times.  (bbc.com)

RICH PEOPLE CAN BUY THEMSELVES INTO ELITE COLLEGES?  I’M SHOCKED!  NEXT THING YOUR GOING TO TELL ME THAT RICH AND CONNECTED PEOPLE CAN TRADE MONEY AND FAVORS TO GET GOOD JOBS AND HIGH RANKING GOVERNMENT POSITIONS – A large-scale college “fraud” scheme has been unearthed by government investigators and almost 50 people have been charged in the scheme.  The kingpin of this operation was Rick Singer who used his California-based “college prep” business to help rich and famous people – including actresses Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman – get their unqualified children into any college they desired.  Some of the “services” offered by Singer involved funneling bribes to college administrators in addition to helping students cheat on SAT exams.  Although many people are clutching their pearls over this, it’s pretty common knowledge that getting into a good school, getting a good job and getting the best breaks in life are made much easier by how much money you have and how many connected people you know.  Though most people call it “networking”, that’s pretty much a code word for kissing ass and getting a buddy to get you into a good job or hook you up with important clients without any merit.  Did you honestly think America was a meritocracy or something fair like that?  (reuters.com)

OTTERS ARE SOME OF THE MOST ADORABLE CREATURES IN THE WORLD.  AND NOW THEY ARE THE MOST ADORABLE CREATURES TO LEAVE AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL RECORD! – A new study in Scientific Reports suggests that otters and their use of stone tools can leave an archaeological record that is distinct from humans.  Most of the evidence comes from otters and their use of rocks to pry open clams and other shelled sea creatures in order to eat their yummy meat.  When otter use the stones they leave distinct markings on the rocks and also reveal a unique breakage pattern in shells.  Using what has been observed in otter stone tools, scientists can determine where old otter colonies lived and also help distinguish if humans or otters were the ones leaving these clues in the fossil record.  I only wish otters knew how to write so that we could have adorable otter-hieroglyphs scattered around the world.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 03/08/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE EL PASO LOCOMOTIVE FUTBALL CLUB OFFICIALLY STARTS PLAYING THIS WEEK, SO PLAN ACCORDINGLY.  I STILL THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THEY CALLED THEMSELVES LOKOMOTIV EL PASO – After years of planning and work, the El Paso Locomotive will finally take the field for their first official game this Saturday.  The Locomotive will play against the Oklahoma Energy at the El Paso Chihuahua’s City Hall Field in a game that is officially sold out.  Hopefully this is a harbinger of more exciting things to come and a future football stadium down the line in downtown.  Although not an MLS team, division 2 is still pretty good and we salute MountainStar for bringing another top notch sports team to the region.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

ALL HAIL CASSANDRO!  ONE OF PASO DEL NORTE’S MOST  UNDERRATED LEGENDS – El Paso and Juarez have produced many great wrestlers, but Cassandro is the most flamboyant of them all.  Saul Armendariz was born and raised here and also developed the Cassandro persona while training to become a pro wrestler in the storied gyms of Juarez.  In addition to being a great professional wrestler, Cassandro was one of the first openly gay mainstream wrestlers to reach the top of his field.  If that wasn’t enough, Cassandro’s fascinating and fabulous life is now the subject of a documentary by French filmmaker Marie Losier.  Cassandro, The Exotico is the title of the documentary and it will have a premiere next Friday, March 15, at the Westside Alamo Drafthouse complete with an appearance by Cassandro himself.  So don’t miss out on the chance to meet a local legend and witness the magic of Cassandro first hand.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

FAREWELL TO THE MURALS AT LINCOLN PARK BENEATH THE SPAGHETTI BOWL.  AT LEAST THEY MANAGED TO SAVE SOME OF THEM – The planned I-10/Spaghetti Bowl/Border Highway/Chamizal Border Crossing connector project is about to begin construction and some of the artwork in the area will have to be demolished in the name of progress.  Over 50 murals are currently painted on the multiple support columns that raise the spaghetti bowl over Lincoln Park, but due to the new construction 15 of those columns and corresponding murals will have to be torn down.  There was some back and forth over what would be torn down in the area to complete this project, but thankfully activists worked with txdot to spare the Lincoln Community Center and to leave a couple of the columns as canvases for the existing murals.  Normally txdot is a bit belligerent on these things, so it was nice to see that they worked with people in the area to save as many of the murals and buildings as possible.  For a full list of the murals that will be lost, make sure to visit the El Paso Inc. website for one of the best summaries of all that will be lost by this necessary project.  (elplasoinc.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

NOW VENEZUELA HAS NATIONWIDE BLACKOUTS!  ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, NOW THE PEOPLE CAN’T SEE MADURO BEING INCOMPETENT AND GUAIDO BEING PROPPED UP BY THE CIA – As of yesterday, massive blackouts have been hitting all of Venezuela after issues were reported at the country’s hydroelectric power stations.  This should only add to all the drama in Venezuela as Maduro is slowly crushed by the vice of covert CIA actions and American intervention.  At this point it’s pretty obvious that “external forces” are the ones causing a clusterfuck at the power stations as well as all the other recent actions that have led to Guaido’s rise to power.  Guaido studied at CIA University (aka George Washington University) for God’s sake.  Maduro is a giant piece of trash that deserves to be tossed on his ass, but let’s not be blind to what’s happening here.  So tune in next week when we see what the CIA “doesn’t” do to create even more chaos in Venezuela.  (bbc.com)

ALGERIA’S PRESIDENT IS PRACTICALLY IN A COMA AND HE’S STILL GOING TO RUN FOR ANOTHER TERM AND WILL PROBABLY WIN.  ALGERIANS ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT VERY HAPPY – Algerians are protesting around the country as they have become fed up with President Abdelaziz Bouteflika and his eternal claim to the presidency.  He has been in power for 20 years but since having a stroke in 2013 has rarely gone out in public and is currently in Switzerland receiving treatment.  For the most part, Algerians put up with President Bouteflika.  But now he’s practically a puppet and the people have become fed up and are gathering in the streets to denounce this blatant disregard for the democratic process.  But even after all of this, it’s still possible that the president wins another term in office!  It’s like Weekend At Bernie’s but with more protests, corruption and bloodshed.  (bbc.com)

US AIR FORCE SECRETARY HEATHER WILSON HAS RESIGNED HER HIGH RANKING POSITION FOR A JOB AT ……. UTEP? – It’s just been announced that the person replacing Diana Natalicio as President at UTEP will be none other than Heather Wilson.  Wilson was a high ranking official at the Pentagon and was in the running to be the next Defense Secretary, but apparently the Trump administration is such a shitshow that working at UTEP is preferable to having one of the highest ranking positions in the U.S. military.  Good luck to Heather Wilson and let’s hope she realizes that she is now going to work for an institution that produced multiple employees of Simple Minded Entertainment.  (reuters.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION – 03/01/2019

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE RESULTS ARE IN AND EL PASO COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS THE GREATEST COLLEGE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.  SUCK IT, HARVARD – For the 14th straight year, EPCC has been ranked #1 in number of associate degrees awarded to Hispanic students according to The Hispanic Outlook on Education Magazine.  The college awarded 3,128 associate degrees to Hispanic students and also ranked #2 in the country for total degrees and certificates awarded to Hispanic students.  While EPCC isn’t exactly Yale or Stanford, it’s a great place to start a college education and a great value compared to other schools.  Kudos, EPCC.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE SKANKS.  WHAT ABOUT THE SKANKS? – In news that surprised absolutely no one, the Cabaret Gentlemen’s Club on Montana was temporarily shut down last week because of alleged prostitution, drug dealing and other illegal activities.  The neighbors in the area are happy because the skankiest strip club in El Paso has been shut down; but society as a whole has lost some culture after the skankiest strip club in El Paso is closed and another fabled Montana strip club seems to have bitten the dust.  Rest in peace, Cabaret.  (cbs4local.com)

MAKE SURE TO ENJOY THE ROSES BEFORE THEY BURST INTO FLAMES SOME TIME IN THE SUMMER – The El Paso Rose Garden has just re-opened and we hereby welcome warmer temperatures to the region.  The Rose Garden once again opens its doors on March 1 and the public is welcomed to check out all the roses, paths and plants that the 4 acre park has to offer.  So be sure to check out the city’s rose garden on 1702 North Copia before the warm temperatures REALLY return and incinerate everything sometime in June.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

TENSIONS RISE IN KASHMIR AS PAKISTAN SHOOTS DOWN AN INDIAN FIGHTER PILOT FOR HAVING A FUNNY MUSTACHE – Things have been getting crazy these past few weeks as Pakistan and India have been going at it over attacks in the disputed Kashmir region.  Things reached a boiling point this week when Indian fighter planes went into Pakistan territory to attack “militant” sites and one of the planes was shot down and the pilot was captured by Pakistani forces.  Luckily, cooler heads have prevailed and Pakistan returned the pilot to India and didn’t even shave his crazy mustache off.  Let’s hope this is the start of a cooling down of emotions in Kashmir and a start of dialogue.  The last thing we need is two nuclear powers going to war over an overblown conflict.  Like they say, respect for another man’s crazy facial hair is the first step to peace.  (bbc.com)

TURNS OUT MOMO IS A HOAX.  BUT WHAT IF MOMO IS USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY AND IS ACTUALLY REAL AND CREATING A HOAX TO GO AFTER MORE KIDS? – The Momo craze is the latest spectacular hoax to cause idiots to clutch their pearls and bitch and complain about the internet and “child safety”.  For those that don’t know, Momo was some sort of big-eyed Japanese monster that some people would use to befriend children on social media and make them kill themselves.  The Momo craze was so large that even major news outlets and police departments were caught in the hype even though no legit victims were found and there was no evidence that any of it was actually true.  I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume that this was all started by random assholes on 4chan who were high on drugs at the time.  If so, kudos to 4chan for making fools of all the idiots who take shit like Facebook and Twitter seriously.  (bbc.com)

YOU TOO CAN BE LIKE THE PREDATOR!  ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS INJECT NANOPARTICLES INTO YOUR EYEBALLS AND YOU CAN HAVE INFRARED VISION.  EASY! – Scientists from the U.S. and China have figured out that mice can be given infrared vision by injecting nanoparticles into their eyes.  The research has been published in the journal Cell and gives exciting insight into the way the eye works and the overall electromagnetic spectrum.  One day mice will develop Predator powers and these researchers will be solely responsible for mankind’s downfall.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)