Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 11/30/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

ABOUT TIME THEY ALLOW INDUSTRIAL HEMP PRODUCTION IN NEW MEXICO. YOU’D LITERALLY HAVE TO SMOKE POUNDS OF IT TO GET EVEN REMOTELY HIGH. WHY IS IT EVEN ILLEGAL IN THE FIRST PLACE? – Amazingly, growing industrial hemp in New Mexico was not allowed and will finally start up as a legitimate industry in 2019. New Mexico State University, the all-knowing beacon of all things agricultural, approved the regulations for hemp production on Thursday and the New Mexico Department of Agriculture will enforce the regulations starting in 2019. Hemp promises to be a lucrative crop for New Mexico farmers and will also benefit the environment because it uses much, MUCH less water than some of the other crops being grown in the state. And because society has to pander to the right wing nut jobs, all hemp that has more than .3 percent THC will be destroyed so that the “precious children” are not poisoned by the big bad marijuana drug. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

THE RACETRACK IN VADO IS ALMOST COMPLETE! HOORAY FOR VADO! – After years of planning and construction, Vado Speedway Park is looking like it will be ready for competition starting next spring. The track will take over the majority of races that used to occur at Southern New Mexico Speedway and will look to expand with more races. This is a great project for Vado and other small communities in the region should look at creating unique opportunities such as this to expand their economic output. Good show, Vado. Good show, Jones family. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

RULE NUMBER ONE FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP IS TO ALWAYS BLAME KIDNAPPERS WHEN YOU GO OUT DRINKING WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND DON’T RETURN UNTIL THE FOLLOWING MORNING – Simple Minded Entertainment’s Hero of the Week award goes to Jorge Parra, who decided to cover up a night of drinking and drug use in Juarez by telling his wife that he was kidnapped and that his car was stolen. He would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for his meddling wife and those meddling Scooby kids. She was naturally worried that her family was in danger and went to the police who subsequently charged Jorge Parra with making a false report once the expertly planned scheme was unraveled by the authorities. Remember, the key to a happy marriage is to create an elaborate lie when you do something wrong AND THEN tell your significant other not to go to the police because the cartels know where you live. The last part is the key to protecting the lie and the relationship. (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

BUENOS AIRES WELCOMES THE G20 SUMMIT THIS WEEKEND AND, AS LONG AS NOTHING BLOWS UP, IT WILL BE CONSIDERED A GREAT SUCCESS – The G20 shindig will take place in Argentina this year and, as usual, we can expect more talking from world leaders and only the most minimal of action. Hot button issues this year include climate change, Russia being a bully and all the disasters that Donald Trump has created through his stupidity. Buenos Aires has decided to keep things classy this year as the major global event will occur less than a week after the Copa Libertadores final between River Plate and Boca Juniors – two teams from Buenos Aires – was canceled because fans of one team attacked the players of the other team before the game started. Not to be outdone, a local TV station put up a picture of Apu from The Simpsons when Prime Minister Modi of India arrived in the country. Keep it classy, Buenos Aires. (bbc.com)

REST IN PEACE, GEORGE BUSH – Former President George H.W. Bush passed away tonight at the age of 94. Although many people didn’t agree with his policies, President Bush was able to compromise and work with politicians of different backgrounds to get things done. He served his country throughout his life, starting in the military and then moving through different areas of public service. He was not perfect and there will be some debate on his legacy and on the impact of some of his policies, but he comported himself with respect to the job at hand throughout his career. He also led indirectly to some of the best comedic skits in the history of Saturday Night Live and was a good sport about the constant satire during his term in office. Rest in peace, President George Bush. (reuters.com)

A LARGE EARTHQUAKE HAS STRUCK THE PACIFIC COAST OF CALIF ……. ALASKA. OH YEAH, ALASKA GETS EARTHQUAKES TOO – A magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck near Anchorage, Alaska this week causing structural damage throughout the city but, luckily, no major loss of life. Most people don’t associate Alaska with earthquakes, but it is on the Ring of Fire and was the location of the massive 9.2 magnitude Good Friday earthquake that occurred in 1964. Who knew that the Syfy channel movie Ice Quake was a documentary? (reuters.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 11/23/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S GOOD THAT THE COUNTY GOVERNMENT IS PLANNING TO SPEND MONEY ON ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT. BUT THIS BEING EL PASO COUNTY, THEY MIGHT JUST SPEND THE $2 MILLION ON TRYING TO LURE ANOTHER WHATABURGER TO SOCORRO – El Paso County is looking at creating an economic development fund of $2.5 million dollars to attract businesses and jobs to the El Paso area. The money will be used for infrastructure, land acquisition and other incentives to try and lure companies to El Paso that will hopefully create high paying jobs. It’s nice to see the county government show some initiative and try to create business opportunities in the region. As long as they don’t blow the entire fund on a stupid project this should be a great investment. Though judging by some past El Paso County foibles, spending the entire fund on something stupid is, unfortunately, a possibility. (cbs4local.com)

COME JOIN SOME OF PASO DEL NORTE’S BEST AUTHORS FOR A CHARITY Q&A FOR A GREAT CAUSE – The SOMOS fund was created by the El Paso Community Foundation to help out youth in Juarez that have been impacted by violence. Next week they will be having a cool benefit that will feature a Q&A with important local authors, including Benjamin Alire Saenz, Ron Stallworth, Philip Connors, Andrew Selee and others. You will have the opportunity to listen to these great authors for a minimum donation of just $25 or a donation of $100 which includes copies of the authors’ books. A bunch of books for $100 and you get to meet the authors; that’s a bargain! So mark your calendars for November 27 and head on out to the SOMOS fundraiser in Downtown. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

IF ANYONE DESERVES A KICKSTARTER DONATION, IT’S THE MAN THAT CREATED WICKED LAKE. LET’S ALL GIVE HIM MONEY AND THEN MAYBE HIS NEXT PROJECT WILL BE WICKED LAKE 2! – Zach Passero is best known for the movie Wicked Lake, the heart-warming story of hot naked witches from El Paso that go to Ruidoso to kill redneck sociopaths. It’s a great slasher film that makes Cinemax late night movies proud and that deserves more attention as a cult classic. Passero’s latest project is an animated feature called The Weird Kidz about teens that go out into the desert for a camping trip in a mysterious location. I don’t believe this movie will have hot naked girls, but it still sounds pretty cool. So go on The Weird Kidz kickstarter page and donate some money. If not for this movie, do it for all the wonderful lesbian witch memories that Wicked Lake provided us. (elpasoinc.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

ALTHOUGH YEMEN IS NOT YET IN FAMINE MODE, THE CIVIL WAR HAS ALREADY CREATED A HELLISH HUMANITARIAN CRISIS THAT HAS CLAIMED THE LIVES OF TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. BUT AT LEAST SAUDI ARABIA GETS TO STOKE ITS EGO BY BEING A REGIONAL BULLY. DONALD TRUMP MUST BE PROUD – New analysis by charities on the ground show that over 85,000 children may have died from starvation and health issues in the 3 years that the civil war has ravaged Yemen. That number ONLY includes children under 5 and doesn’t even take into account all the people that have died because of the actual civil war and adults who have died because of the collapse of health care and society in general. To make matters worse, Saudi Arabia has been using this whole conflict as an excuse to bully the region and is the main cause of all the major attacks in the area. But maybe the international community led by America will step in and bring peace in the regi …….. never mind, Donald Trump isn’t done bending over for Saudi Arabia. Even after the Saudi government brazenly murdered a journalist in a foreign country, Donald Trump went out of his way to write a letter of support for Saudi Arabia that practically apologized for the U.S. government’s investigation of the matter. But he’s only doing this because he loves America and not because the Saudis pump money into his hotels and his businesses. Meanwhile, thousands of children continue to die for a bullshit conflict. (bbc.com)

JUST A REMINDER THAT THE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN THE CONGO IS STILL GOING STRONG. THIS STORY GETS LOST IN THE SHUFFLE OF MAJOR NEWS STORIES AND IT’S SOMETHING THAT MORE PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT – Dozens of new ebola cases are being confirmed daily in the Democratic Republic of Congo and the outbreak doesn’t have an end in sight. Because the infections are popping up in the northeastern part of the country that is plagued by constant conflicts, medical staff are finding it hard to enter the area and contain the problem. So even though the official number is over 350 infected individuals since the start of the outbreak in July, that number is probably higher and the potential for more infections is worse than what is being reported. This is truly a horrible situation and the risk to neighboring countries and communities is very high. Hopefully this story gets more attention from the international community before it’s too late. (reuters.com)

THE NATIVES OF NORTH SENTINEL ISLAND DON’T LIKE OUTSIDERS. SO IT’S A GOOD IDEA NOT TO MARK THAT PLACE DOWN ON YOUR TRENDY, INSTAGRAM, BUCKET LIST MUST SEE LIST – A young American adventurer/missionary was murdered on North Sentinel Island when he attempted to visit with the mysterious inhabitants of North Sentinel Island and talk to them about Jesus and/or take a selfie. It is believed that the island has been inhabited for thousands of years by a single tribe with the most minimal of human interaction and with no knowledge of the outside world. It should be noted that the reason this is considered one of the most “undisturbed places on Earth” is because it is far away from major shipping lanes and there is very little of value in the area. Rest assured that if there was gold, diamonds and/or oil on that island; all these guys would already be dead and we wouldn’t be talking about “mysterious” islanders and whether or not the outside world should make contact with them. It’s actually quite adorable to see videos and pictures of tribesmen walk to the beach completely naked with bows and arrows acting like badasses and “protecting” their island. So adorably delusional. If they only knew that they were part of a human zoo display protected by the government and that any random idiot with guns from Wal-Mart could wipe out their entire civilization in a matter of minutes. Maybe Earth is like the North Sentinel Island of the Universe and some kind-hearted aliens are protecting us – without our knowledge – from meaner aliens that could wipe us out in the drop of a hat. (bbc.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 11/16/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

NEXT YEAR THEY SHOULD AIM FOR OVER $500,000 FOR EL PASO GIVING DAY. EL PASO REALLY DOES CARE – El Paso Giving Day is a neat event started by the Paso Del Norte Foundation that gathers local charities together and encourages the community to donate online. The charities are rewarded with bonus grants depending on their performance and the extra publicity really helps many organizations get more money. This year the group surpassed their goal and over $300,000 was raised on over 2,000 donations. Good show, everybody that donated. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LET’S LIGHT UP PLAZA DE LOS LAGARTOS IN STYLE – Winterfest is back and now it includes streetcars! Sunday marks the start of Downtown El Paso’s Winterfest with the annual light parade and tree lighting ceremony at the Plaza De Los Lagartos. In addition to the light display, the nearby Winterfest will include a skating rink, holiday displays, food, vendors and occasional crippling cold. This year the streetcars are finally operational in downtown and they will be giving free rides on the weekends throughout the holiday season and the duration of Winterfest. Let’s all go to Downtown El Paso to look at lights, ride trolleys and possibly get drunk at all the bars. Hooray for El Paso-style Christmas! (cbs4local.com)

ONCE MORE, THE MAJESTIC CREOSOTE AND DESERT LIZARD ARE OVERLOOKED – The Socorro Independent School District has just announced the name and mascot for the newest school and it will be called ……. Cactus Trails Elementary Diamondbacks. Although it’s a decent name and mascot, there are tons of plants and animals in the Chihuahuan Desert that are more common than cacti and diamondbacks. Our native creosote, mesquite, ocotillo, yucca, lizards, coyotes and even beavers are constantly overlooked and it would be nice if they got a little more love than the ever popular cactus. There’s more to a desert than cacti, people! (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT BREXIT WAS GOING TO BE SUCH A COMPLETE CLUSTERFUCK. AH YES, EVERYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN – The UK is on the verge of coming up with a Brexit agreement with the European Union and they are pretty much in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. The deal they have isn’t perfect but it’s the best the UK will be able to get after voting for such a stupid idea in the first place. Prime Minister Theresa May will now have to fend off challengers within her own party who feel she is not very good at her job and try to get enough votes to pass this agreement in parliament. Brexit, so far, has been a disaster but things can get much worse if this agreement fails in parliament and if Theresa May is replaced as Prime Minister. Stay tuned. (bbc.com)

AN ALL NATURAL PLANT THAT PROVIDES PAIN RELIEF WITH MINIMAL SIDE EFFECTS COMPARED TO SIMILAR PHARMACEUTICALS, YOU SAY? YOU BET YOUR ASS THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO DECLARE IT ILLEGAL AND HELP OUT THEIR BUDDIES IN THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY – Kratom is a tree whose leaves are often consumed as a tea to relieve pain and anxiety in people. The plant has naturally occurring opiod-like compounds that seem to help many people; but that appears to be a threat to established pharmaceuticals. Even though the “evidence” about the dangers of Kratom that the government is using is flimsy at best, there are rumors that the government will soon declare this natural remedy an illicit drug on par with cocaine and meth. The only danger that Kratom poses is to the pocketbooks of the pharmaceutical industry, lobbyists and complicit members of the government. So naturally, Kratom is the devil and the conservative idiots who make up these bullshit laws will demonize it while “legal” opioids kill millions more than Kratom ever could. Good job, America! (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

SAD NEWS, TRUE BELIEVERS – Stan Lee, one of the most important figures of the American comic book industry, passed away earlier this week at the age of 95 in Los Angeles. He will always be remembered for playing an important role in the creation of such legendary comic book creations like Spider-Man, the X-Men and many others. His work with Marvel alone led directly to the creation of a billion dollar industry in films alone! The man was truly a legend. Excelsior! (marvel.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 11/09/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE STREETCARS ARE BACK IN EL PASO! SADLY, THESE FANCY PANTS, MODERN STREETCARS WILL NOT BE PULLED BY MULES LIKE IN THE GOOD OL’ DAYS – It’s official! As of today, the El Paso Streetcar system will be back in business after being gone for decades. The trolleys – as the cool kids call them – are the original Presidents Conference Committee Streetcars that ran on the El Paso system back in the day and that have been lovingly restored for modern use. The system will run on two loops from downtown to UTEP and consists of a 4.8 mile route with over twenty stops. And as an added inauguration bonus, the streetcars will be available for free rides on weekends until January 6. So get a move on and get on the streetcar. Free trolleys! Hooray! (elpasoheraldpost.com)

EVEN IN FAILURE, BILLY ABRAHAM STILL WALKS AWAY WITH HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. NOTHING WILL EVER STOP WILLIAM “BILLY” ABRAHAM – It finally happened. After all the fines, threats and lawsuits; the courts have finally auctioned off Billy Abraham’s properties in El Paso to pay off all his creditors. In the end, 11 of his properties were sold for a total of $10.53 million in bankruptcy court this week. The sales amount will allow all his creditors to be paid and leaves him with a substantial amount of money to do as he pleases. This marks a new chapter in the history of Downtown El Paso as some wonderful historic landmarks (such as the Kress Building and Caples Building) will now be in the hands of people who should be able to renovate them and bring them back to their old glory. Interestingly enough, Paul Foster was shut out of the auction when he was unable to purchase the Kress Building after bidding got to high. This was the only building he made a move on even though he had shown great interest in buying up all the buildings in an earlier offer that was rejected by Abraham. As for Billy Abraham, he now has spending money so he can finally buy an old building and renovate it – that or he just uses up all his cash and turns The Tap bar into some super nightclub. (elpasotimes.com)

AFTER YEARS OF POINTLESS LEGAL FIGHTS, A COURT OF APPEALS HAS RULED THAT THE CITY OF EL PASO HAS THE RIGHT TO HOST SPORTS, AND WHATEVER IT WANTS, INSIDE THE WAITING-T0-BE-BUILT ARENA. AND WE’RE SLOWLY GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE MAX GROSSMAN WILL FINALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR GOOD AND BE COMPLETELY IGNORED BY THE MEDIA – The Downtown Arena project is closer to reality now as the courts have removed a major obstacle to attracting tenants and sponsorships for the arena. Though there is still room for more appeals, it looks like sports will be a major part of the downtown arena. It would probably be best for critics of the arena to just compromise and work for the preservation of some buildings and the facades of the more unique structures before their grandstanding results in the entire neighborhood getting flattened. The courts at the federal level would not get involved with property rights and at this point there is no real reason to save the entire arena footprint as is. Just pick the most important structures and at least get the city to incorporate the buildings or the facades into the final arena complex. Hopefully Max Grossman will finally ride off with his butt buddy to Houston and someone intelligent will finally step up among the “historians” and “conservationists” to work out a compromise that gets the arena built and saves a few of the more meaningful structures in the area. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

“CALIFORNIA IS BURNING” IS A PHRASE THAT GETS MORE USAGE EVERY YEAR. SO WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED FROM CLIMATE CHANGE PATTERNS IS THAT SOME PLACES WILL GET SWALLOWED BY THE OCEAN AND CALIFORNIA WILL JUST SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST – Multiple fires are raging in California and two of them look pretty bad. The Camp Fire in northern California practically wiped out the town of Paradise and the Woolsey Fire in the southern part of the state looks to destroy tons of homes around the Malibu area. To add insult to injury, the Woolsey Fire is raging around the city of Thousand Oaks which just went through a terrible mass shooting/terrorist attack this past weekend that claimed the lives of 12 people in a country music bar. Although the fires are not completely contained, most of the endangered areas have been evacuated and the firefighters on the ground will do all they can to limit loss of life and property. It’s a sad state of affairs when writing about deadly forest fires and mass shootings becomes common practice. Be careful out there, everyone. (reuters.com)

IT WASN’T A BLUE TSUNAMI, BUT THE ELECTIONS DID PRODUCE A SIGNIFICANT BLUE WAVE – The mid-term elections are over and Democrats have taken over the House of Representatives and have come ever so close to flipping the Senate. The Senate dream was a bit of a stretch considering most of the seats up for grabs were in majority Republican-held, hillbilly territory that worships Donald Trump – but they did come close. So it might not have been a complete rebuke of Donald Trump and his idiot xenophobic, fascist policies – but the people have spoken and they are mad. And even though he didn’t win, Beto O’Rourke lost the Texas Senate race by only 200,000 votes or so and helped lift Democrats around the state to upset wins. It’s pretty amazing that a Democrat came that close to winning a statewide contest in Texas of, all places. Maybe the state is finally turning blue. You made El Paso fucking proud, Beto. Onward to 2020 where hopefully we will finally be rid of the orange, fascist sack of shit in the White House. (fivethirtyeight.com)

OUMUAMUA IS PROBABLY NOT A PIECE OF AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT, BUT IT MIGHT BE. THE ONLY THING THAT SCIENTISTS CAN ALL AGREE ON IS THAT IT WAS WEIRD AND PENIS-SHAPED – Oumuamua was the weirdo space object that entered the solar system (and our hearts) from a weird trajectory last year that instantly generated speculation about being interstellar and maybe even an alien object. In addition to the weird path in travels, its penis shape has also been a mystery because no known space objects of that size resemble a penis. A new study by Harvard astronomers Shmuel Bialy and Abraham Loeb has suggested that because of its shape, size, trajectory and speed that it might be a solar sail or some other similar object from an alien spacecraft. While the research offers this as just one possible explanation, many people have criticized the report. But as it stands, it’s either alien space junk or a one-in-a-million penis-shaped object from a penis solar system where everything is shaped like penises. You decide! (abc.net.au)

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Friday

1 – Dynasty

Simple Minded Summary

A remake of the classic and trashy ‘80s primetime soap opera. If you don’t remember the original show, you can just squint your eyes and imagine you’re watching a trashier remake of Victorious with a more vicious Jade.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Elizabeth Gillies – Mean-Yet-Hot Sexiness

2) Ana Brenda Contreras – Telenovela Sexiness

3) Elizabeth Gillies – I-Just-Want-To-Post-This-Picture-Again Sexiness

2 – The Cool Kids

Simple Minded Summary

Who says assisted living is depressing? Follow the zany adventures of retirees as they say “fuck it” and do whatever the hell they want in their retirement community. With a cast that includes Vicki Lawrence, Martin Mull, David Alan Grier and Leslie Jordan you got some veteran heavy hitters in the comedy world all on the same show.

Reasons To Watch

1) The producers on the show include most of the team from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. So even though it airs on the “family” hour on FOX, the show is a lot funnier and edgier than most fare on at this time.

2) I mentioned it in the summary, but it bears repeating that some amazing veteran comedic actors all come out on this show. It’s a Murderers’ Row of comic talent that is overlooked by many people just because of their age.

3) It’s no secret that Hollywood has a bit of an age bias and that sometimes incredibly talented actors are just tossed aside by the industry because they are no longer “young” and “hip”. This show really fills a void on the modern TV landscape and is giving some great actors a chance to shine. Because of the nature of the show, the cameo possibilities for great long forgotten comedians and actors to pop up randomly on the show are endless. I hope the producers are looking over some of the great sitcoms of the past few decades and calling up iconic actors and actresses to come out on the show.

3 – Midnight, Texas

Simple Minded Summary

It’s like Vampire Diaries after puberty. Continuing the time honored tradition of stories in world’s filled with multiple supernatural beings; Midnight, Texas is somewhere between a CW show and HBO. It doesn’t dwell on teen angst and it doesn’t go into full blown softcore porn mode. So if you like adult ghoul interpersonal stories that aren’t too light or heavy, this show is for you.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Arielle Kebbel – Killer Sexiness

2) Jason Lewis – Sad-Angel Sexiness

3) Jaime Ray Newman – Redhead Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Thursday

1 – The Good Place

Simple Minded Summary

An amazingly underrated show that is consistently funny while switching up the plot practically every season (or less). The show is unpredictable and it is amazing to see how far the show has gone from the first episode. The cast, writers and staff are top notch and it seems like they have many more stories to tell. If only more people would watch this great show, it truly is underrated.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Kristen Bell – Let-It-Go Sexiness

2) William Jackson Harper – Surprisingly-Buff-When-Shirtless-Philosophy-Professor Sexiness

3) D’Arcy Carden – Not-A-Robot Sexiness

2- Legacies

Simple Minded Summary

It’s literally what happens when The Vampire Diaries and The Originals have a baby. So get ready for younger vampires, younger witches and younger werewolves all loaded up with hormones. And even with these elements, Legacies is still more realistic and less preposterous than fantastically over-the-top Riverdale. God, I really hope they have a Riverdale/Legacies crossover in the future. MAKE THIS CROSSOVER HAPPEN NOW!

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Danielle Rose Russell – Werempire Sexiness

2) Jenny Boyd – Sexy Sexiness

3) Matthew Davis – We-Needed-Someone-From-The-Other-Shows-To-Come-Out-In-This-One Sexiness

3 – Superstore

Simple Minded Summary

Turning the lives of lowly Not-Wal-Mart workers struggling to get by into comedic gold! Don’t worry, it’s a lot sweeter and heart-warming than it sounds. Come for the working class comedy, stay for Nichole Bloom.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Nichole Bloom –Ditzy Sexiness

2) Ben Feldman – Not-Scott-Baio-But-Sort-Of-Looks-Like-His-Son Sexiness

3) America Ferrera – Betty-La-Fea-Flashback Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Wednesday

1 – Riverdale

Simple Minded Summary

I have no idea why I watch Riverdale. One day I’m watching the premiere and in the blink of an eye I find myself starting season 3 with no idea how I got there. Every episode features random murders, absurd plot twists, shameless excuses for Archie to take off his shirt, poor parenting and 30 year old guys dressed up like boy scouts. I have no idea why I keep watching ……. ah yes, cute redhead Madelaine Petsch is on this show. Carry on, Riverdale. Carry on.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Madelaine Petsch – Crazy-Redhead Sexiness

2) K.J. Apa – Excuse-Me-I-Seem-To-Have-Accidentally-Lost-My-Shirt Sexiness

3) Lili Reinhart and Camila Mendes – You-Can’t-Have-Betty-Without-Veronica Sexiness

2 – The Goldbergs

Simple Minded Summary

Even though the show is going through its “child characters are now adults and still at home” phase and even with more over-the-top plots, The Goldbergs is still one of the best sitcoms on TV. I assume one day all the children will eventually move out and they can explore that dynamic; or they can just make all the characters unemployed dropouts and have them living at home. Whatever path they choose, hijinks will ensue.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Wendi McLendon-Covey – Eternal-MILF Sexiness

2) Hayley Orrantia – Unemployed-Dropout Sexiness

3) Sean Marquette and Alex Jennings – Bad-Influence Sexiness

3 – Single Parents

Simple Minded Summary

In the tradition of Modern Family, the show intersects the lives of multiple family units as they tackle the mysteries of life. The unifying theme of the show is that all the family units involve ‘single parents’, thus the title of the show. I assume all their spouses died in horrible accidents, thus making the show a little less upbeat than Modern Family.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Leighton Meester – Single-Mom Sexiness

2) Jackie Seiden/Hannah Simone – Random-Character Sexiness

3) Brad Garrett –Everybody-Loves-Brad Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Tuesday

1 – The Gifted

Simple Minded Summary

Attractive mutants fight attractive humans and other attractive mutants in an attempt to create the most attractive mutant homeland imaginable. Seriously, all the characters are attractive – not an ugly person in sight. Thanks to its combination of sexiness and violence, this is one of the best shows on TV. Did I mention that the amazing Skyler Samuels plays, not one, but THREE Stepford Cuckoos on this show? That’s pretty much all you need to know.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Skyler Samuels – Triple-Cute-Girl Sexiness (I was just going to put up three pictures of Skyler Samuels and call it a day, but we take our analysis seriously.)

2) All The Women On The Gifted – Hot-Mutant Sexiness

3) All The Guys On The Gifted – Macho-Mutant Sexiness

2 – The Flash

Simple Minded Summary

Although Flash always preaches about respecting the timeline and the dangers of time travel, The Flash doesn’t really give a damn about the timeline and practically goes back in time every episode. In fact, Flash probably should just call himself The Time Traveler seeing as to how he mainly uses his super speed to dick around with time. And this season Nora, his grown-up daughter from the future, is in the current timeline because no one really cares about the timeline at all. But heaven forbid anyone else tries to alter the past. Only Flash can mess around with time. Overall, The Flash is the third best superhero show out there – it needs a little more Legends and/or Skyler Samuels to move up a notch.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Danielle Panabaker – Sky-High Sexiness

2) Grant Gustin – Damn-The-Timeline Sexiness

3) Jessica Parker Kennedy – Black-Sails-Had-A-Lot-Of-Great-Rewind-Worthy-Scenes Sexiness

3 – Black Lightning

Simple Minded Summary

Black Lightning’s nemesis on the show is named Tobias Whale, and he’s an albino, and he has a mini-harpoon gun. All we need is a crazy sailor character and the Moby Dick reference circle is complete.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Cress Williams – Electric-Zap Sexiness

2) Nafessa Williams – Thunder-Clap Sexiness

3) James Remar – Warriors Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Monday

1 – Legends Of Tomorrow

Simple Minded Summary

Most TV shows suck the humor out of everything and purposely try to be “dark and edgy” in order to appear “smart and relevant”. Legends of Tomorrow does none of this and shamelessly embraces snarky humor and over the top action. As a result, the show is one of the best on TV and constantly delivers great entertainment while sacrificing none of the emotional impact. It’s a shame more people don’t watch this show. Check it out, people! EXPERT HINT: the show becomes excellent during the second season, so don’t give up on it if you are just starting with season one.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Caity Lotz – Tight-White-Uniform-Ass-Kicking Sexiness

2) Matt Ryan –Sting-Dabbling-In-Dark-Arts Sexiness

3) Beebo – Cuddly-Blue Sexiness

2 – Arrow

Simple Minded Summary

The story of a vigilante who uses a bow and arrow to ……. Is Stephen Amell taking off his shirt!?!? What? Oh, I’ve lost my train of thought. So yeah, Stephen Amell fights crime by shooting arrows and taking off his shirt. In any given episode he takes off his shirt more times than he shoots an arrow.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Stephen Amell – Shirtless-Archery Sexiness

2) Juliana Harkavy–Multiple-Canary Sexiness

3) Colton Haynes – Baby-Arrow Sexiness

3 – 9-1-1

Simple Minded Summary

Like most Ryan Murphy associated productions, 9-1-1 is an absurdist romp that is immensely entertaining. Most of the situations on the show involve preposterous, over-the-top emergencies and various public servants coming together to save the day in a calm and creative way. If the final season and series finale doesn’t involve an alien invasion and the various 9-1-1 related issues caused by such an outlandish situation, I will be deeply disappointed.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Jennifer Love Hewitt – I’ve-Had-A-Crush-On-Her-Since-I-Was-A-Kid Sexiness

2) Peter Krause – Conflicted-Fireman Sexiness

3) Fire Truck – Saving-Lives-And-Driving-Fast Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Weekend

1 – BOB’S BURGERS

Simple Minded Summary

Do you like hamburgers? It’s a cartoon about a guy who makes hamburgers with his family and so much more. So if you like hamburgers and more things, then this is the show for you.

Reasons To Watch

1) It’s been happening gradually, but Bob’s Burgers is officially the best show on Sunday nights and one of the best TV shows currently airing in any format. Though Bob’s Burgers is the new kid on the block compared to The Simpsons and Family Guy (which have been on for a combined 100,000 years on television!), it has actually been on for close to a decade but it still feels like it’s only a few seasons old. That just goes to show you how fresh and lean (Ha ha, ground beef joke – zing!) the writing and production of this show has been over the years.

2) H. Jon Benjamin simply kicks ass. His super sexy voice should be reason alone to tune in every Sunday night. And the rest of the voice cast – including Kristen Schaal, John Roberts, Dan Mintz, Eugene Mirman – and everyone else on the show also do a pretty damn good job of bringing life to the characters. What can I say, everyone involved on the show kicks ass. Good job, everyone on Bob’s Burgers.

3) Bob Belcher –Mustachioed-Meat-Bringer Sexiness

2 – THE SIMPSONS

Simple Minded Summary

A simple cartoon sitcom that has evolved into its own complex universe, complete with thousands of characters and locations. One day The Simpsons mythology will gain a life of its own and become the basis of a new religion when society collapses and all that is left of our civilization is random copies of The Simpsons on DVD.

Reasons To Watch

1) Even after close to a millennia on TV, it’s still good for a good chuckle and that’s all we ask of it. It’s been said before, but each episode gives you at least one or two good laughs and each season gives you one or two great episodes. Which is more than some BRAND NEW comedies can produce in today’s bloated streaming/cable market.

2) For some reason, people decided last year that Apu was offensive even though he’s been on the air for decades and he’s always been portrayed as intelligent and hard working. I guess people are more whiny nowadays and will bitch and complain about everything. But as long as they don’t complain about Bumblee Man and Pepito, The Biggest Cat In The Whole Wide World, I’ll be happy. I will definitely kick someone’s ass if they dare besmirch the name of our most beloved Mexican American icons. If anything they should replace Apu with Bumblebee Man, Pepito or Senor Ding Dong. The Mexican community have more important things to do than bitch and complain about a fucking cartoon character and would appreciate a successful small business owner representing them on TV.

3) Pepito, The Biggest Cat In The Whole Wide World – Awesome-Mexican-Stereotype Sexiness

3 – SUPERGIRL

Simple Minded Summary

Some people think that Supergirl is too political and don’t want to watch it for that reason. Some people are morons that complain about everything. Supergirl kicks ass while wearing a sexy, yet modest, skirt. I like Supergirl.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Melissa Benoist – Strong-Female-Role-Model Sexiness

2) Katie McGrath – Villain-But-Not-Yet-A-Villain Sexiness

3) Mehcad Brooks – Wasn’t-Jimmy-Olsen-A-Nerd? Sexiness