Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/28/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IF THERE IS NO SNAZZY ENTRANCE THEMES, CHAIR SWINGING AND/OR HEEL TURNS AT THIS YEAR’S SUN BOWL PARADE; I WILL BE GREATLY DISAPPOINTED – Congratulations go out to WWE star Sin Cara for being named the Grand Marshal of the upcoming Thanksgiving Sun Bowl Parade. It’s good to see more people recognizing the rich wrestling tradition of the Paso Del Norte Region. For those not familiar with him, Sin Cara is an El Paso native and Burges High School graduate who rose through the ranks of the WWE to become one if it’s top wrestlers. He wrestles in the luchador style and, keeping with tradition, wears a mask to conceal his identity. Although you can figure out who he is by the info given in his biography, we will respect tradition and not unmask Sin Cara. So mark your calendars, start practicing your wrestling moves and be sure to attend the 82^nd Annual FirstLight Federal Credit Union Sun Bowl Parade this Thanksgiving. (kvia.com)

THE CHASE TOWER IS DEAD, LONG LIVE ONE SAN JACINTO PLAZA TOWER – After Chase Bank moved its El Paso headquarters to the Mills Building, the Chase Tower had been looking for a new identity. The building’s owners have now unveiled the building’s new name as ‘One San Jacinto Plaza’ in addition to a revamped LED lighting system that will cover the building’s façade in programmable light. So now the city can celebrate the UTEP football team’s next win with a spectacular blue and orange color changing light show at One San Jacinto Plaza. Just a few more years and I think we’ll finally be able to enjoy that UTEP light show! (cbs4local.com)

ALASKA AIRLINES IS COMING TO EL PASO. THERE WILL, HOWEVER, BE NO DIRECT FLIGHTS TO ALASKA – Good news for fans of low cost traveling as Alaska Airlines will enter the El Paso market in February 2019. The airline will offer daily direct flights to San Diego and Seattle and will give people in the region a low cost alternative when traveling to the west coast. Now El Pasoans will spend less money whenever they want to go see what rain looks like! Seattle is just a budget flight away. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

INDONESIA HAS THE WORST LUCK WITH TSUNAMIS – A magnitude 7.5 earthquake near Sulawesi Island in Indonesia has created a tsunami that has devastated the city of Palu. Waves reaching heights of 10 feet were reported and videos/photos coming out of the scene show a freakishly strong tsunami compared to the magnitude of the earthquake. There are over 300 confirmed fatalities from this disaster, but it looks like the final count will be much higher. Let’s hope the worst is over for Palu. (bbc.com)

THIS WAS A GREAT WEEK FOR FANS OF HOPPING ROBOTS – Japan’s Hayabusa2 space mission entered the history books this week when it successfully deployed 2 rovers onto the surface of the Ryugu asteroid. This is the first time that a working rover has been placed on an asteroid and is a hell of an accomplishment for Japan and the scientific community in general. Traditional rovers wouldn’t work on the rocky and uneven surface of an asteroid, so the mission developed an ingenious solution where the rovers ‘hop’ (technically it’s more like floating or hovering) to get from one place to another. The rovers are already sending pictures and data and even more spacecraft are on their way to analyze this asteroid. Space mining promises to be one of the main drivers for future space exploration and this mission will hopefully encourage even more research into the potentially lucrative asteroid belt. (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS A SHIT SHOW – After trying to ram Brett Kavanaugh through to the Supreme Court, Donald Trump has now called for a “limited” FBI investigation into allegations that Brett is a cliché, affluenza-filled, frat boy, douchebag, rapist drunk. Donald Trump is just trying to save face after the powerful testimony by Christine Blasey Ford, but the damage is already done. All he had to do was find a conservative, moralist idiot with a clean past and he could have easily stacked the courts in his party’s favor. And he couldn’t even do that right. He went ahead and picked the most insufferable moron with giant, rapey skeletons in the closet and now the country is even more divided. I like to think that Donald Trump just picked Brett Kavanaugh because he has so many things in common with him; things like lying, sexual assault and a narcissistic sense of entitlement. So now we wait to see if the FBI points out the obvious and confirms that Kavanaugh is an untrustworthy, perjury-loving, possible rapist. Or if they tone down their results as a result of Trump’s interference. The fact is, that aside from 5 Republican Senators, the Republicans in power would gladly place Lucifer in the Supreme Court if it meant they could have a right leaning majority that can rule favorably on any far-right, pro-Trump bullshit cases that they bring in the future. Let us hope the level headed Republican members of the Senate can show some backbone and not vote for a glorified frat boy rapist as a Supreme Court Justice. (reuters.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION – 09/21/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

BECAUSE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE BORDER, THEY WILL NOW WASTE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO REPLACE THE WORTHLESS FENCE IN DOWNTOWN EL PASO, THAT WAS NOT NEEDED IN THE FIRST PLACE, WITH AN EQUALLY WORTHLESS “WALL” – The Trump administration will start construction on Saturday for a project to replace the Jurassic Park-style fence in Downtown El Paso with an equally garish border wall that will have no added benefit on the current situation in that area. But with a bigger fence the Border Patrol agents in that area will now have more time to scratch their ass and shoot at children at Juarez who may or may not be throwing rocks. Although this wall will be an abomination in the Chihuahuita neighborhood, it’s interesting to note that Max Grossman and his billionaire butt buddy in Houston have not chimed in about the importance of “saving El Paso history” in this area. I guess that whole “saving history” shtick is only valid for certain projects. Some local organizations are fighting this stupid waste of money with all their might, but it is all for naught. When the fascist federal government decides to do something, they will gladly violate any and all laws to get their racist projects done. The only way to get rid of the fascists is to vote them out, if we don’t vote against fascism we will only have ourselves to blame if the far right extremists destroy the country. (kvia.com)

GOODBYE, WYLER AERIAL TRAMWAY. IT’S A SHAME THE TEXAS PARKS AND WILDLIFE DEPARTMENT IS SO FUCKING INCOMPETENT THEY COULDN’T GIVE THE COMMUNITY ADVANCE WARNING THAT THE TRAMWAY HAD TO BE REPLACED AND WAS NO LONGER “SAFE” – After decades of service, the Wyler Aerial Tramway was suddenly shut down after the texas Parks and Wildlife Department cited an engineering report that implied that the tramway might be beyond its normal operating range in terms of years. Although safety is important, the fact that the idiots in this texas agency decided to do this at the last minute with no planning or public outreach really leaves a bad taste in everybody’s mouth. Naturally, Austin says there is no money to reopen or replace the tram even though it has passed inspections and is as good as ever. So once more, we get fucked by Austin and don’t even get a chance to save one of El Paso’s most beloved attractions. God, the texas government is full of dumbasses. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

YSLETA HIGH SCHOOL GIVES ONE LAST HOORAH FOR PAUL CAIN – One of Ysleta High’s most beloved teachers passed away earlier this year, but the school has not forgotten Paul Cain and will honor him during homecoming for the decades of service he gave to the school. Mr. Paul Cain has been named the Grand Marshal (in memorial) for the homecoming parade and his family will speak during homecoming festivities this weekend. Paul Cain taught at Ysleta for 42 years and in that time helped lead the school to multiple High Q championships as well as mentoring many students who would go on to attend prestigious universities such as MIT. Good show, Ysleta. Good show, Mr. Cain. (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

WOW, THIS WHOLE BREXIT THING IS WORKING OUT REMARKABLY WELL. WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA! – In news that surprised no one, British Prime Minister Theresa May is finding out the hard way that based on population, economics and every possible metric imaginable – the European Union has the dominant hand in negotiations with the UK. Some delusional people probably thought the tail could wag the dog when they voted for Brexit, but now they are realizing that they can’t have their cake and eat it too and will have to accept what the European Union wants if they still want to be treated as part of (but not really part of) the common European market. This in turn has inspired Theresa May to throw a temper tantrum and proclaim that the EU is not treating the UK with “respect”. Geez, you’re the fuckers who voted to leave the Union and then went begging for special treatment from the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE you voted to split away from. These Brexiteers really have a delusional sense of entitlement. (bbc.com)

LOOKS LIKE CHINA AND THE VATICAN ARE GOING TO BE FRIENDS NOW. GUESS RELIGION ISN’T THE OPIUM OF THE PEOPLE AFTER ALL – Even though China is a “communist” nation, they still allow state-monitored religion and even have their own state-sponsored offshoot of the Catholic faith. But after more than 70 years, it appears like the Chinese government and the Vatican will resume diplomatic relations and allow the millions of Catholics in China to be considered official Catholics by all parties. Historically, Chinese Catholics were split between the state-sponsored variety and the underground church that did not want to be told what to do by Beijing. If relations resume, the Vatican will have a say in who is chosen as a Bishop and the official clergy in China and will also create a better opportunity to unite and expand the church in China. Not everyone is excited about this move by the Vatican, but at least no one is claiming to be Jesus Christ’s brother. As long as we don’t get a repeat of Hong Xiuquan and the Taiping Rebellion, we can call this a win for Christianity in China. (reuters.com)

IT’S HITLER VERSUS LENNIN IN A POLITICAL BATTLE FOR THE HEART OF A SMALL PERUVIAN TOWN. EVEN COMPARED TO HITLER VS. LENNIN, AMERICAN POLITICS IS STILL MORE FUCKED UP – Because people in small South American towns like to give their kids weirdo names, we have the odd mayoral campaign in Yungar where incumbent Hitler Alba is seeking re-election against Lennin Vladimir Rodriguez Valverde. It should be noted that both men have nothing in common with their namesakes and are well aware of the negative connotations that their names give off to some people. But that’s the name that their parents gave them and they are sticking with them because their parents didn’t really know any better when they gave them those names. And given the vast scope of human history, every name has been shared with a horrible historical person at one point or another if you really look into it. But yes, Hitler vs. Lennin makes for a very amusing campaign. (reuters.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/14/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S KHALID APPRECIATION WEEKEND IN EL PASO! PLAN ACCORDINGLY – Khalid has returned home to El Paso a conquering hero and he was rewarded by the El Paso city government with the key to the city. In addition, Khalid will celebrate his triumphant return by playing back-to-back concerts at the Don Haskins Center on Friday and Saturday. Well played, Khalid. So make sure you celebrate Khalid Day by buying his album and jamming out to all his great songs – it’s the official way to celebrate this new holiday. (cbs4local.com)

MORE THAN ONE WEEK LATER AND THE SUNSPOT OBSERVATORY IS STILL CLOSED WITH NO REASON GIVEN. I DON’T WANT TO SAY IT’S ALIENS, BUT IT WAS PROBABLY A “WEATHER BALLOON” – Last week, the FBI mysteriously closed off the Sunspot Observatory near Cloudcroft and forced all the employees out of the premises. No reason has been given for this closure and the tight lipped nature of the operation has led to many conspiracy theories popping up online. It’s anybody’s guess as to what went down in the Sunspot Observatory. But we can all agree that the authorities will make up some bullshit excuse over the closure that doesn’t even begin to explain the use of Blackhawk helicopters and federal agents on an NMSU facility. My money is on an official explanation involving swamp gas and birds that look like UFOs. (kvia.com)

I’VE SAID IT BEFORE, EL PASO NEEDS A MEXICAN AMERICAN CULTURAL CENTER LIKE A PIG NEEDS TWO ASSHOLES. THE ENTIRE FUCKING CITY IS A MEXICAN AMERICAN CULTURAL CENTER. IT’S MORE THAN 2/3 “MEXICAN AMERICAN” AND “MEXICAN AMERICAN” IS THE DOMINANT CULTURE IN THE REGION! – As long as the city doesn’t go over budget and keeps the money spent in a respectable range, the Mexican American Cultural Center is okay. It’s a stupid idea, but if it makes people happy and can be used by the entire community it will be a nice thing. The latest plan to keep costs down is to expand the Downtown library with a new building and include the cultural center in the improved library/center complex. This would cut down on costs and fit in nicely with the nearby history museum and future children’s museum. Naturally, certain idiots in the city want to show off their Latino Superman nonsense and are asking for an even bigger center that requires even more taxpayer money. These people are idiots and, even if they disrupt community meetings, they should just be ignored and the most financially responsible option should be used. If there is no private sector push, let’s not let this snowball into a massive waste of money. (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

AT ONE POINT THIS WEEK, THERE WERE FOUR NAMED STORMS IN THE ATLANTIC IN ADDITION TO ALL THE OTHER STORMS RAMBLING AROUND IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN. AND THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BELOW-AVERAGE HURRICANE SEASON! – As Hurricane Florence soaks the Carolinas and Typhoon Mangkhut makes its way towards the Philippines and China, a bunch of other storms of varying sizes are twirling around all around the globe. Whether you call them hurricanes, typhoons or cyclones; these storms are dangerous and all should be on alert when in their vicinity. If this is a below-average season, I can’t imagine what it would be like if we were in an above-average season. (bbc.com)

REMEMBER WHEN EBOLA OUTBREAKS WERE CONSIDERED SCIENCE FICTION AND THE WORLD WAS SCARED OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THEY BECAME REALITY? AH, SIMPLER TIMES. NOWADAYS EBOLA OUTBREAKS ARE SO COMMON IN AFRICA THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD JUST IGNORES THEM – Lost in the news cycle is the current Ebola outbreak impacting the Democratic Republic of Congo. The outbreak has been occurring since August and 91 people have died out of 133 cases. To make matters worse, this is all occurring among the backdrop of warring militant groups fighting for control of this part of the Congo. Normally this would be pretty big news, but the rest of the world doesn’t really care about poor countries like Congo and tragedies like this are more common than many people think. The global community should really pay attention to issues like this before they burn out of control. (telegraph.co.uk)

IN ADDITION TO BEING A SMUG, SACK OF SHIT CONSERVATIVE ZEALOT; LOOKS LIKE BRETT KAVANAUGH IS ALSO A SEXUAL PREDATOR. THIS WON’T DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE SUPREME COURT AND ONLY MAKES HIM MORE IN LINE WITH REPUBLICAN IDEALS. HE’LL BE ABLE TO JOIN FELLOW SEXUAL PREDATOR, CLARENCE “COCA COLA PUBIC HAIR” THOMAS, ON THE SUPREME COURT AND FOLLOW ORDERS FROM ULTIMATE SEXUAL PREDATOR, DONALD TRUMP – Brett Kavanaugh is an idiot conservative zealot and a lap dog for Donald Trump. For those reasons, he should not be on the Supreme Court. Though now it seems we can add sexual predator to Kavanaugh’’s list of accomplishments. A woman has come forward and revealed that Brett Kavanaugh attempted to drunkenly sexually assault her at a high school party back in the ‘80s. In his defense, getting drunk and trying to take advantage of incapacitated girls is the accepted norm for hypocrite Republicans. So the Donald Trump shitshow just keeps on growing and we can only expect more creepy stories to come out regarding Brett Kavanaugh. The guy literally looks like the adult bro embodiment of date rape and roofie abuse. (newyorker.com)

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 09/07/2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT TURNS OUT ONE OF THE NEGATIVES OF INSTALLING ARTIFICIAL TURF IN POORLY SECURED AREAS IS THAT IDIOTS CAN CAUSE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN DAMAGE THAT IS NOT EASILY REPAIRED. IF EPISD WOULD HAVE JUST INSTALLED REGULAR GRASS AT BOWIE, THE VANDALIZED FIELD COULD HAVE BEEN FIXED WITH SOME DIRT AND $5 OF GRASS – After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to install spiffy artificial turf at Bowie High School Stadium, the field was severely damaged when 4 idiot teens drove their car onto the field to do donuts and then proceeded to vandalize other parts of the stadium. The idiots were caught but, because laws don’t work and the idiots were minors, they will most likely get off with a slap on the wrist and taxpayers will be on the hook for the full cost of repairs. Right about now I bet EPISD is wishing they didn’t waste all that money on artificial turf at Bowie without making sure that there was adequate barriers in place to prevent random vehicles from getting on the field. That’s why you can’t have nice things, Bowie. (cbs4local.com)

ONCE UPON A TIME, NMSU WANTED TO INCREASE ENROLLMENT SO THEY STARTED HANDING OUT A BUNCH OF SCHOLARSHIPS. THE PLAN WORKED A LITTLE TOO WELL AND NOW NMSU HAS A BUDGET DEFICIT BECAUSE OF THE SCHEME. OOPS! – NMSU has announced that they have a deficit in the $5 million range because of all the scholarships they have been giving out over the past few years. For some ungodly reason NMSU included their scholarship students in their planned revenue stream, which is like including ghosts in the revenue stream. Teachers are getting paid, no matter what, whether there is 1 student or 50. So they can just stuff all the scholarship students and ghosts in the classrooms without spending an extra dime. Just don’t count them in planned revenue and, VOILA, you don’t have a budget deficit. So with that problem solved, keep on giving out scholarships like Halloween candy, NMSU. Hell, if you start giving scholarships to cows and farm animals you can be considered visionary. (cbs4local.com)

BILLY ABRAHAM IS IN JAIL AGAIN. LOOKS LIKE ABRAHAM’S PAST IS OUT TO BITE HIM IN THE ASS – When you live your life in an antagonistic manner and do things without a care for consequences, eventually your actions catch up to you. Or when your loaded and connected lawyer father dies, there’s no one left to cover your ass. Either way, it looks like Billy Abraham is in trouble again and there is no one else to blame but himself. The latest arrest comes from last year’s “elevator incident” in which Billy Abraham brazenly tried to manipulate and bribe witnesses in his attempts to change the inspection and operation dates on an unsafe elevator in one of his buildings that should not have been in service. The government went after him for the elevator and he thought he could pull a fast one by dicking around with the inspection certificate. Next time on the Billy Abraham legal soap opera: bankruptcy court and a possible final partitioning of his property empire. Stay tuned. (elpasoinc.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

ALTHOUGH THE ECONOMIC CLUSTERFUCK IN VENEZUELA AND ARGENTINA HAS NOT YET SPREAD TO BRAZIL, THEY ARE KEEPING BUSY WITH THEIR OWN CLUSTERFUCK THAT SAW THEIR NATIONAL MUSEUM GO UP IN FLAMES AND A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GET STABBED DURING A CAMPAIGN STOP. SO JUST ANOTHER WEEK IN BRAZIL – Last weekend, the National Museum in Rio caught fire and virtually all of its contents were lost. The museum didn’t have a sprinkler system and the people in the country see this as an example of an incompetent government choked by corruption. The anger of the people in Brazil is palpable and upcoming elections in October are stirring up strong emotions. A few days ago, one of the front runners for the presidency was stabbed during a campaign stop and almost died. Granted, Jair Bolsonaro is a right-wing, hate-filled nut job. But no candidate should be in danger in any advanced democracy. On the bright side, Brazil’s economy isn’t as crappy as Venezuela or Argentina. So they’ve got that going for them …….. for now. (reuters.com)

BURT REYNOLDS IS DOING CRAZY TRANS-AM STUNTS WITH JESUS AT THIS VERY MOMENT. LONG LIVE BURT REYNOLDS – Some sad news this week as legendary actor Burt Reynolds passed away at the age of 82. Burt Reynolds will be known for his amazing acting career that included such classics as Deliverance, Smokey and the Bandit and Boogie Nights. His career ranged from every genre imaginable and he made an impact on both the large and small screen. Burt Reynolds always had a smile on his face and it seems he had a lot of fun and enjoyed life to the fullest. Rest in peace, Burt Reynolds. (bbc.com)

ALTHOUGH THE HURRICANE SEASON STARTED OFF SLOW, IT’S LOOKING TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME WITH 3 POSSIBLE HURRICANES IN THE ATLANTIC AND MORE IN THE PACIFIC – Hurricane Florence is the big monster currently lurking in the Atlantic with its eyes set on the Carolinas. But there are other storms taking aim at American territory on both sides of the globe. By this time next week we might have major storms making impact from Guam to Hawaii to the Virgin Islands to the Carolinas. Although the hurricane season started off slow, it looks like it’s coming on with a vengeance during the peak of the season. Be careful out there. (tbo.com)