Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – October 27, 2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IF YOU ADD THE DRUGS, GUNS AND LAUNDERED MONEY THAT IS EXPORTED; EL PASO WOULD DEFINITELY BE IN THE TOP 5 OF THE COUNTRY’S TOP EXPORTERS.  WE WILL NEVER STOP LOBBYING FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO INCLUDE THE BLACK MARKET IN OFFICIAL ECONOMIC FIGURES – Our mantra is that lists should be taken with a grain of salt, but it’s still pretty impressive that El Paso is the 10th largest exporter among all of America’s metropolitan regions.  The total of exports out of El Paso in 2016 was $26.5 billion and that put us ahead of much larger cities.  This is great news and as long as the city continues to expand its relationship with Juarez and the region, things can only get better.  (elpasoinc.com)

IF YOU EVER WANT TO KILL SOMEONE, MAKE SURE YOU DO IT IN LAS CRUCES.  IT’S PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE CONVICTED OF MURDER IN DONA ANA COUNTY – A jury in Las Cruces has found Lawrence Lucero not guilty of stabbing David Escamilla to death in 2014 despite all the stabby evidence.  So continuing a tradition dating back to Pat Garrett and possibly much earlier, a jury in Dona Ana County has just shrugged its shoulders and allowed a killer to go free on the flimsiest of excuses.  Even cops can get shot by drunken partners in Las Cruces and the only result will be multiple mistrials.  You need an actual video of someone killing another person to get a murder conviction in Dona Ana County and even then the jury will still doubt the evidence and go with manslaughter.  Maybe this whole trial by jury thing should be abolished in Dona Ana County, it’s not like it accomplishes anything.  (kvia.com)

HEAVEN FORBID SOCORRO FOCUS ON IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT AND INFRASTRUCTURE, THEY INSTEAD WANT TO WASTE MONEY ON POINTLESS THINGS LIKE THE NAMES OF ROADS – The Eastlake extension project will finally give Socorro another access point to I-10 as Old Hueco Tanks Road is remodeled and properly connected to Eastlake and I-10.  This being Socorro, they’ve decided at the last minute to ask that the extension not be known as ‘South Eastlake’.  Instead they want the road to be known as ‘Nuevo Hueco Tanks Road’ so that the segment in Socorro can keep its “identity”. Because it is a stupid idea done at the last minute, the City of Socorro will have to spend thousands of dollars on the name change and signage because the state and county aren’t going to foot the bill.  It’s hard to tell what’s worse; that thousands of dollars that could have been used for useful endeavors will be wasted on a vanity project or that instead of just keeping it as ‘Old Hueco Tanks Road’ they changed it to ‘Nuevo Hueco Tanks Road’ in a false belief that it gives them some sort of Latino cred.  Apparently adding a Spanish word to the name makes them knowledgeable Latino heroes and not just pandering Latino douchebags.  But nothing is more telling than this quote by Socorro Councilman Ralph Duran:  “The amount of money that will be spent on a name change is negligible, considering the amount of money we will be getting back in taxes and sales tax.”  Dear genius, even if the name of the road was ‘Super Buttfuck Avenue’ you’d still be getting back the SAME FUCKING AMOUNT in property and sales tax!  Join us next week when the City of Socorro defends the “honor” of ‘Horizon Boulevard’ south of I-10 by renaming it ‘Cholo Raza Gandara Avenue’.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THEY FINALLY DID IT, CATALONIA HAS DECLARED ITS INDEPENDENCE!  LET’S SEE IF THE PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO FIGHT FOR SELF DETERMINATION OR IF THEY’LL JUST WHITTLE UNDER PRESSURE FROM MADRID – The Catalan government, after being pushed around by Madrid, has finally declared its independence – reflecting the will of the voters in the referendum.  Naturally, the Spanish government has decided to get its “ex-wife” back by force, like an abusive husband, and has started a hostile takeover over Catalonia by removing its autonomy.  Now we wait and see if the people of Catalonia will take this lying down or if they will fight for their land.  If you’re keeping score at home, democracy only counts if the result is pre-approved by the powers that be and self-determination is a four letter word among “democratic” nations.  (bbc.com)

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED THAT SOMETHING FROM OUTER SPACE PASSED BY EARTH!  IT’S A GIANT ROCK AND NOT AN ALIEN, BUT IT’S STILL INTERESTING – A comet or asteroid coming from an interstellar path came into the solar system last month and got as close as 14 million miles to Earth before it started its path out of the Solar System on an equally weird route.  The interstellar object did not follow a normal Solar Systemesque trajectory and instead came into the area practically from above at a very high angle.  Although this news is very cool, what’s worrying is that no one saw this coming until a few weeks ago.  So if another space rock comes hurtling in at a similar angle with a trajectory toward Earth we would only have weeks to prepare for a possible impact.  Not only do we have to worry about Solar System rocks hitting the Earth, no we have to keep an eye out for weirdo outer space objects as well.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT – It’s Halloween time again, be safe out there and make sure to get your fill of candy, booze and half-naked costumes.  It seems Halloween goes more global every year and more people are jumping in on the fun.  And while some people in other countries feel that the holiday is ‘invading their culture’, they should relax and just embrace it as a way to get together with friends and family and have a good time.  And if they want some of their country’s holidays to reach a global audience, they should make sure it involves candy, free food, slutty costumes and/or booze.  I will gladly celebrate any holiday from any part of the world as long as it involves free food, booze and slutty costumes.  Bring it on!  Paso del Norte is not threatened by any foreign cultures and will gladly absorb your eaty/drinky/slutty traditions like some sort of degenerate cultural Borg.  (news.nationalgeographic.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 10/20/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

MUCH LIKE THE MAJESTIC SALMON OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST THAT RETURN TO THEIR RIVER BIRTHPLACE TO SPAWN AND DIE, THE FISH OF THE RIO GRANDE GO UP RANDOM CANALS IN THE LOWER VALLEY TO GET DRUNK AND PARTY BEFORE THE WATER DRIES UP AND THEY DIE.  IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE – Did you know there’s random fish swimming in the canals of El Paso and in the El Paso portion of the Rio Grande?  Although the news story focuses on people in the Lower Valley complaining about the dead fish rotting in the canals, the real story here is the fish.  What type of fish are these?  Are they a native species or an invasive species that just decided to make El Paso home?  Where do the non-crazy fish go on vacation when the Rio Grande and canals dry up?  We must know the answer to these questions.  People in the Lower Valley complaining are a dime a dozen, but native fish in El Paso are something special.  Why can’t the local news media focus on the important things?  (kfoxtv.com)

BE SURE TO SUPPORT UTEP ON OCTOBER 28 AS THE UNIVERSITY CELEBRATES LEGENDS NIGHT DURING THE FOOTBALL GAME.  BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, FREE AARON JONES BOBBLEHEADS! – UTEP will be honoring past legends of UTEP athletics during their October 28 football game against UTSA; including great athletes like Antonio Davis, Seth Joyner, Blessing Okagbare, Cynthia Ruelas, Paul Stankowski and Aaron Jones.  And just to make things even more awesome, a select few fans will be randomly selected to receive one of 1,000 limited edition Aaron Jones bobbleheads!  Who knows, if they put an Aaron Jones bobblehead on the field it will probably be one of the best players in the game and lead UTEP to victory.  (elpasoproud.com)

IF THEY WOULD HAVE INCLUDED A METRIC FOR SLUTTY COSTUMES, EL PASO WOULD HAVE DEFINITELY BEEN THE GREATEST PLACE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD FOR TRICK OR TREATING – We normally don’t pay too much attention to lists on random websites (the only pointless lists we trust are the ones that Simple Minded Entertainment churns out on a monthly basis, thank you very much), but it’s nice to see that El Paso was listed as the 5th best place in America to go trick-or-treating.  The list was created by SmartAsset and they try to be as objective as possible so the list is pretty solid and informative.  So what are you waiting for, start planning your trick-or-treating adventure in El Paso right now ……. And don’t forget your slutty costume.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THE UNIVERSAL RIGHT OF SELF-DETERMINATION IS MORE POWERFUL THAT ANY PIECE OF PAPER OR ANY FUCKING CONSTITUTION – Once again, Madrid has decided to make things worse than they are by forcing Spanish rule on Catalonia and making plans to remove the state’s regional autonomy.  So much like a crazy ex-girlfriend, it is butt hurt that Catalonia had an independence referendum and now wants to force Catalonia to “stay together for the kids”.  May the people of Catalonia have the strength to fight on and may this inspire others to break free from the grip of Frankenstein nations around the world.  (bbc.com)

METEORS ARE COOL, AS LONG AS THEY’RE NOT FALLING ON THE EARTH AND KILLING EVERYONE – There’s a special fall show in the heavens this weekend, and continuing into next week, as the Orionid meteor shower will liven up the night sky with a bunch of shooting stars.  So go find a nice dark place away from the city lights and enjoy one of nature’s most amazing spectacles, the meteor shower.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

LOOKS LIKE WE NOW HAVE A TRUMPGHAZI ON OUR HANDS – As the media focuses on idiot Donald Trump’s online feud with a soldier’s widow and a congresswoman, the real story here is the epic disaster in Niger that resulted in the death of 4 soldiers.  Apparently, the military was in Niger to help in the fight against terrorism in northern Africa and was caught by surprise when terrorists attacked during a “routine” meeting with local officials.  This is like being surprised that you wasted a bunch of money after going to a strip club.  Who knew that terrorists could attack during a counter-terrorism operation?  This was a failure of military intelligence and the apparent silence by the Trump administration makes it all seem a little bit more sketchier.  To add insult to injury, Sgt La David Johnson’s body was found 2 days later and he was either left behind or just ignored while everyone escaped the attack.  When Benghazi occurred, Donald Trump and his ilk bitched and complained endlessly about the government’s handling of the attack.  Losing a soldier for two fucking days after an attack that shouldn’t have happened is waaaaaay worse than Benghazi.  I wonder who Donald Trump and the racist brigade are going to blame for this one?  But I’m pretty sure they’ll find a way to blame Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.  (theguardian.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 10/13/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOKS LIKE THE BLUE FLAME BUILDING IS FINALLY COMING BACK TO LIFE.  NOW WE CAN ALL GET OUR DAILY WEATHER REPORT BY STARING AT AN INANIMATE OBJECT! – The El Paso Housing Authority has been working with Paul Foster to purchase the 17-story Blue Flame Building and turn it into a mixed use/mixed income development that will feature low income housing while also mixing in market value apartments and retail space.  The project already has government help lined up and it promises to be a great boost to Downtown’s redevelopment.  As an added bonus, the “flame” on top of the building will also return and tell everyone the weather through its magical color-changing abilities!  In fact, the blue flame will show off its weatherman powers when it lights up again next week for a brief preview.  Welcome back, Blue Flame.  (elpasoproud.com)

CONGRATULATIONS TO RUBEN VOGT ON BEING NAMED COUNTY JUDGE.  WITH HIS SELECTION HE BECOMES THE FIRST OPENLY GAY MAN TO HOLD THIS POSITION IN EL PASO COUNTY.  WHO SAYS EL PASO CAN’T BE PROGRESSIVE AND AHEAD OF THE TIMES? – After much deliberation, El Paso County Commissioners Court chose Ruben Vogt as the replacement for County Judge Veronica Escobar, who left office to pursue El Paso’s Congressional Seat.  Ruben Vogt was Escobar’s chief of state so he’s a solid pick to take over for her and will not require any on the job training when he begins his replacement term.  The choice was almost unanimous, with all commissioners except Vince Perez voting for the choice.  Who knows why Vince Perez voted ‘no’?  But his explanation was pretty all over the place so we’ll just assume that Vince Perez was mad because HE wanted to be the first LGBT County Judge in El Paso’s history.  (elpasoinc.com)

THIS JUST IN, THE EL PASO INDEPENDENT SCHOOL DISTRICT WILL PURCHASE A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR INCINERATOR THAT THEY WILL USE TO BURN UP HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS A MONTH JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT – Central Office for the El Paso Independent School District is currently located on city land near the airport that has been leased to them for years on what was supposed to be a temporary basis.  After awhile, the city go tired that the district wasn’t taking the hint that this deal was temporary and raised the sweetheart deal of $60,000 a month rent up to around $300,000 a month once the original agreement ran out.  This is when they asked EPISD to vacate in 2014 so they could get their land back.  So now, after years of being told to leave, the district still can’t finalize a plan to move to their new headquarters and will keep on wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars a month that could be used for something else.  This is pretty ironic coming from a district that attempted to push students out of school because they were spending too much time stuck in a grade and hurting the district’s standardized test results.  (kvia.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

CALIFORNIA IS BURNING MORE THAN USUAL THIS TIME OF YEAR – Although massive wildfires spread by crazy winds are pretty common in southern California, the north part of the state rarely has to deal with anything on this scale.  The wildfires currently hitting California are an epic disaster and the fact that they are occurring in heavily populated areas are making these some of the deadliest fires in the state’s history.  Here’s hoping the weather starts cooperating in the next few days so firefighters can get this under control.  (bbc.com)

HARVEY WEINSTEIN’S BIGGEST MISTAKE WAS NOT BEING A REPUBLICAN WHO SAYS RACIST THINGS AND SPEAKS LIKE AN IGNORANT CHILD.  THEY WOULD HAVE ALREADY ELECTED HIM PRESIDENT IF HE WERE A REPUBLICAN – The shit has hit the fan for Harvey Weinstein and none of his past success will be able to stop the wave of accusations that keep pouring in about his “secret” life as a bully who really, REALLY liked sexual harassment and assault.  Although Weinstein has not been charged with anything and these are all still allegations, when hundreds of women have similar stories with similar patterns then the evidence points to Harvey Weinstein being an asshole who took advantage of the “casting couch culture” for decades.  At this point it would just be easier to make a list of actresses and employees who were NOT harassed or assaulted by Harvey Weinstein, because every day we hear another story about his “hotel room meeting” strategy that he apparently used hundreds of times over the years.  Even though it should have happened earlier given the rumors that always swirled around the prick, it’s good to see Hollywood not sweep this under the rug and come out and try to bring this disgusting behavior out in the open so that Weinstein and his ilk don’t do it again.  If this were another group of people they would just write this off as “boys will be boys” and gladly look the other way.  Remember when someone with similar rumors about sexual assaults was recorded on video saying that because he was rich and famous he could grab women by the pussy and kiss them against their will with no repercussions?  Remember how his peers rallied around the victims and got rid of the disgusting old man for his horrible actions ……. oh yeah, they did no such thing and just made up excuses to protect him.  (bbc.com)

WHO KNEW BRYOSTATIN 1 LED SUCH AN INTERESTING LIFE? – Bryostatins are a compound that researchers strongly feel could be used to fight diseases such as cancer, HIV and other major ailments.  The problem is that the only viable way to get these compounds is via the tiny sea organisms known as Bugula neritina which bunch up and form colonies and are basically considered a nuisance.  To make things a bit more complex, the source of the bryostatins is believed to be not the tiny sea organism but a bacteria found in some of the B. neritina.  Bryostatin 1 is the main compound that scientists are looking at for research and because of the aforementioned problems only a minute amount of the substance has been available for scientific study and the small supply has limited how much work can be done on this fascinating compound.  But don’t worry, scientists are working hard on improving the process to create bryostatin 1 and its ilk and the future looks bright for medical research involving this promising compound.  For more detailed information on the fascinating adventures of Bugula neritina, bryostatins and mystery bacteria please read the full write up regarding these interesting developments on the Discover Magazine blog.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

Simple Minded Weekly Recap-ITATION! – 10/06/2017

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

UTEP OFFERS AMAZON THE CHANCE TO LEASE ONCE TOXIC LAND AS AN INCENTIVE TO LAND AMAZON’S SECOND HEADQUARTERS.  DIANA NATALICIO ISN’T VERY GOOD AT THIS WHITE COLLAR CORPORATE BRIBERY THING – The Amazon sweepstakes is under way and cities around the country are busy whoring themselves out and offering bribes (I’m sorry, they’re called “incentives”) to get the company to set up a multi-billion dollar headquarters in their immediate tax zone.  It is admirable that many stakeholders in the Paso del Norte region have come together to support this project (even the Mayor of Juarez has come aboard to support El Paso’s bid, though the Mayor of Las Cruces has not been very vocal about this at all).  But maybe Diana Natalicio should just give them the old Asarco cleanup site instead of just offering a lease, that’s not much of a bribecentive.  Like when San Antonio and Texas bribed (aka incentivized) Toyota to put a factory there and Austin’s bribe (aka economic development incentive) spree to land random tech companies, the winner of the Amazon sweepstakes will be the city that offers the most “incentives” and that has the whitest population possible.  Let’s face it, Amazon is a white bread company and they will choose the wealthiest suburbanite community that has just enough “urban” elements and just enough Latino, Black and Asian faces that they can claim they are in a “vibrant and diverse” place.  So basically some white bread city filled with a few token minorities will get Amazon Headquarters Part 2.  At least El Paso hasn’t gone to some of the extreme begging and bribing lengths that other cities have engaged in to try and get Amazon to come to their town.  El Paso has some integrity.  (elpasoinc.com)

IT’S TIME FOR EL PASO’S ANNUAL DRAWING PENISES WITH CHALK FESTIVAL!  – Chalk The Block is back in downtown El Paso with great art and music activities for the whole family.  The festival is a great event in downtown that showcases talented artists doing amazing things with only chalk and also gives everyone a chance to do chalk graffiti all over downtown El Paso.  In keeping with El Paso tradition, this is the perfect opportunity to get really drunk and turn something wholesome into a morbid mess by using your chalk to draw penises and boobs all over the streets of El Paso.  So go out and enjoy the Chalk The Block (With Penises) Festival 2017!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

ZOMBIE HAMBURGERS ARE COMING TO EL PASO!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! – Much like a zombie or Jesus Christ, Charcoaler is coming back from the dead to bring joy, excitement and delicious food to El Paso.  Charcoaler was a legendary fast food joint that made amazing hamburgers cooked on a real charcoal grill for decades in El Paso.  Sadly, the burger joint ceased operations last year ……. but now it’s coming back!  The new owners, which include a member of the family that owned the original, will open Charcoaler before the holidays and promise that it will be better than ever.  So start getting in line now, because Mesa is going to be a parking lot once Charcoaler opens up again.  (kvia.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

WELL, THAT WENT WELL.  THE SPANISH GOVERNMENT ISN’T VERY GOOD AT DECISION MAKING, IS IT? – All Spain had to do was back off and let Catalonia have its non-binding referendum and it would have lost or won by a very narrow margin.  All things considered, no one would have cared and only the small minority of true separatists would have bitched and complained about the result.  By banning the vote, sending police and acting violently against people who just wanted to practice basic democracy; the Spanish government has pissed off the entire Catalan region and have pushed the moderates into the arms of the fringe nationalist separatists that now are calling for a real independence movement.  Next time, just look at how London handled the whole Scottish Independence movement to see how to properly handle a referendum by angry separatists.  Now Madrid has backed itself into a corner and will probably end up using more violence that will push Catalonia and other Spanish regions to question the bullshit dream of “Spanish Unity”.  Madrid is just lucky the Basque Country hasn’t risen up again, Spain would already be split into 8 countries by now if the Catalans and the Basques pushed Madrid at the same time.  (bbc.com)

AMERICA IS THE ONLY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD WERE AN ELDERLY LOSER CAN AMASS AN ARSENAL AND KILL DOZENS OF PEOPLE IN A TERRORIST ATTACK USING HIS PERFECTLY LEGAL GUN COLLECTION – A terrorist attack occurred in Las Vegas as an elderly moron who hated casinos, or some other stupid reason, decided to take out his anger on innocent people watching a country music concert.  By the end of his cowardly terrorist strike, the elderly fucker killed 58 people from his 32nd floor perch at the Mandalay Bay Hotel using semi-automatic weapons with legal modifications that turned them into borderline machine guns.  These modifications were so fucked up that even the NRA is asking the government to look into banning bump-stocks that can turn a semi-automatic rifle into an even more dangerous weapon.  Fuck terrorists of all races, creeds and ideologies and their stupid reasoning.  (bbc.com)

LET’S END ON A HAPPY NOTE WITH A PARROT THAT SINGS WITH A BELFAST ACCENT TO SUPPORT THE NORTHERN IRELAND NATIONAL FUTBALL TEAM – Kelo the parrot is a magical bird that sings and talks with a Belfast accent while supporting the Green and White Army.  This is all you need to know, so just click the link and watch Kelo support Northern Ireland!  (bbc.com)