SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Friday

1 – Dynasty

Simple Minded Summary

A remake of the classic and trashy ‘80s primetime soap opera.  If you don’t remember the original show, you can just squint your eyes and imagine you’re watching a trashier remake of Victorious with a more vicious Jade.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Elizabeth Gillies – Mean-Yet-Hot Sexiness

2) Ana Brenda Contreras – Telenovela Sexiness

3) Elizabeth Gillies – I-Just-Want-To-Post-This-Picture-Again Sexiness

2 – The Cool Kids

Simple Minded Summary

Who says assisted living is depressing?  Follow the zany adventures of retirees as they say “fuck it” and do whatever the hell they want in their retirement community.  With a cast that includes Vicki Lawrence, Martin Mull, David Alan Grier and Leslie Jordan you got some veteran heavy hitters in the comedy world all on the same show.


Reasons To Watch

1) The producers on the show include most of the team from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  So even though it airs on the “family” hour on FOX, the show is a lot funnier and edgier than most fare on at this time.

2) I mentioned it in the summary, but it bears repeating that some amazing veteran comedic actors all come out on this show.  It’s a Murderers’ Row of comic talent that is overlooked by many people just because of their age.

3) It’s no secret that Hollywood has a bit of an age bias and that sometimes incredibly talented actors are just tossed aside by the industry because they are no longer “young” and “hip”.  This show really fills a void on the modern TV landscape and is giving some great actors a chance to shine.  Because of the nature of the show, the cameo possibilities for great long forgotten comedians and actors to pop up randomly on the show are endless.  I hope the producers are looking over some of the great sitcoms of the past few decades and calling up iconic actors and actresses to come out on the show.

3 – Midnight, Texas

Simple Minded Summary

It’s like Vampire Diaries after puberty.  Continuing the time honored tradition of stories in world’s filled with multiple supernatural beings; Midnight, Texas is somewhere between a CW show and HBO.  It doesn’t dwell on teen angst and it doesn’t go into full blown softcore porn mode.  So if you like adult ghoul interpersonal stories that aren’t too light or heavy, this show is for you.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Arielle Kebbel – Killer Sexiness

2) Jason Lewis – Sad-Angel Sexiness

3) Jaime Ray Newman – Redhead Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Thursday

1 – The Good Place

Simple Minded Summary

An amazingly underrated show that is consistently funny while switching up the plot practically every season (or less).  The show is unpredictable and it is amazing to see how far the show has gone from the first episode.  The cast, writers and staff are top notch and it seems like they have many more stories to tell.  If only more people would watch this great show, it truly is underrated.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Kristen Bell – Let-It-Go Sexiness

2) William Jackson Harper – Surprisingly-Buff-When-Shirtless-Philosophy-Professor Sexiness

3) D’Arcy Carden – Not-A-Robot Sexiness

2- Legacies

Simple Minded Summary

It’s literally what happens when The Vampire Diaries and The Originals have a baby.  So get ready for younger vampires, younger witches and younger werewolves all loaded up with hormones.  And even with these elements, Legacies is still more realistic and less preposterous than fantastically over-the-top Riverdale.  God, I really hope they have a Riverdale/Legacies crossover in the future.  MAKE THIS CROSSOVER HAPPEN NOW!

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Danielle Rose Russell – Werempire Sexiness

2) Jenny Boyd – Sexy Sexiness

3) Matthew Davis – We-Needed-Someone-From-The-Other-Shows-To-Come-Out-In-This-One Sexiness

3 – Superstore

Simple Minded Summary

Turning the lives of lowly Not-Wal-Mart workers struggling to get by into comedic gold!  Don’t worry, it’s a lot sweeter and heart-warming than it sounds.  Come for the working class comedy, stay for Nichole Bloom.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Nichole Bloom –Ditzy Sexiness

2) Ben Feldman – Not-Scott-Baio-But-Sort-Of-Looks-Like-His-Son Sexiness

3) America Ferrera – Betty-La-Fea-Flashback Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Wednesday

1 – Riverdale

Simple Minded Summary

I have no idea why I watch Riverdale.  One day I’m watching the premiere and in the blink of an eye I find myself starting season 3 with no idea how I got there.  Every episode features random murders, absurd plot twists, shameless excuses for Archie to take off his shirt, poor parenting and 30 year old guys dressed up like boy scouts.  I have no idea why I keep watching ……. ah yes, cute redhead Madelaine Petsch is on this show.  Carry on, Riverdale.  Carry on.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Madelaine Petsch – Crazy-Redhead Sexiness

2) K.J. Apa – Excuse-Me-I-Seem-To-Have-Accidentally-Lost-My-Shirt Sexiness

3) Lili Reinhart and Camila Mendes – You-Can’t-Have-Betty-Without-Veronica Sexiness

2 – The Goldbergs

Simple Minded Summary

Even though the show is going through its “child characters are now adults and still at home” phase and even with more over-the-top plots, The Goldbergs is still one of the best sitcoms on TV.  I assume one day all the children will eventually move out and they can explore that dynamic; or they can just make all the characters unemployed dropouts and have them living at home.  Whatever path they choose, hijinks will ensue.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Wendi McLendon-Covey – Eternal-MILF Sexiness

2) Hayley Orrantia – Unemployed-Dropout Sexiness

3) Sean Marquette and Alex Jennings – Bad-Influence Sexiness

3 – Single Parents

Simple Minded Summary

In the tradition of Modern Family, the show intersects the lives of multiple family units as they tackle the mysteries of life.  The unifying theme of the show is that all the family units involve ‘single parents’, thus the title of the show.  I assume all their spouses died in horrible accidents, thus making the show a little less upbeat than Modern Family.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Leighton Meester – Single-Mom Sexiness

2) Jackie Seiden/Hannah Simone – Random-Character Sexiness

3) Brad Garrett –Everybody-Loves-Brad Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Tuesday

1 – The Gifted

Simple Minded Summary

Attractive mutants fight attractive humans and other attractive mutants in an attempt to create the most attractive mutant homeland imaginable.  Seriously, all the characters are attractive – not an ugly person in sight.  Thanks to its combination of sexiness and violence, this is one of the best shows on TV.  Did I mention that the amazing Skyler Samuels plays, not one, but THREE Stepford Cuckoos on this show?  That’s pretty much all you need to know.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Skyler Samuels – Triple-Cute-Girl Sexiness (I was just going to put up three pictures of Skyler Samuels and call it a day, but we take our analysis seriously.)

2) All The Women On The Gifted – Hot-Mutant Sexiness

3) All The Guys On The Gifted – Macho-Mutant Sexiness

2 – The Flash

Simple Minded Summary

Although Flash always preaches about respecting the timeline and the dangers of time travel, The Flash doesn’t really give a damn about the timeline and practically goes back in time every episode.  In fact, Flash probably should just call himself The Time Traveler seeing as to how he mainly uses his super speed to dick around with time.  And this season Nora, his grown-up daughter from the future, is in the current timeline because no one really cares about the timeline at all.  But heaven forbid anyone else tries to alter the past.  Only Flash can mess around with time.  Overall, The Flash is the third best superhero show out there – it needs a little more Legends and/or Skyler Samuels to move up a notch.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Danielle Panabaker – Sky-High Sexiness

2) Grant Gustin – Damn-The-Timeline Sexiness

3) Jessica Parker Kennedy – Black-Sails-Had-A-Lot-Of-Great-Rewind-Worthy-Scenes Sexiness

3 – Black Lightning

Simple Minded Summary

Black Lightning’s nemesis on the show is named Tobias Whale, and he’s an albino, and he has a mini-harpoon gun.  All we need is a crazy sailor character and the Moby Dick reference circle is complete.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Cress Williams – Electric-Zap Sexiness

2) Nafessa Williams – Thunder-Clap Sexiness

3) James Remar – Warriors Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Monday

1 – Legends Of Tomorrow

Simple Minded Summary

Most TV shows suck the humor out of everything and purposely try to be “dark and edgy” in order to appear “smart and relevant”.  Legends of Tomorrow does none of this and shamelessly embraces snarky humor and over the top action.  As a result, the show is one of the best on TV and constantly delivers great entertainment while sacrificing none of the emotional impact.  It’s a shame more people don’t watch this show.  Check it out, people!  EXPERT HINT:  the show becomes excellent during the second season, so don’t give up on it if you are just starting with season one.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Caity Lotz – Tight-White-Uniform-Ass-Kicking Sexiness

2) Matt Ryan –Sting-Dabbling-In-Dark-Arts Sexiness

3) Beebo – Cuddly-Blue Sexiness

2 – Arrow

Simple Minded Summary

The story of a vigilante who uses a bow and arrow to ……. Is Stephen Amell taking off his shirt!?!?  What?  Oh, I’ve lost my train of thought.  So yeah, Stephen Amell fights crime by shooting arrows and taking off his shirt.  In any given episode he takes off his shirt more times than he shoots an arrow.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Stephen Amell – Shirtless-Archery Sexiness

2) Juliana Harkavy–Multiple-Canary Sexiness

3) Colton Haynes – Baby-Arrow Sexiness

3 – 9-1-1

Simple Minded Summary

Like most Ryan Murphy associated productions, 9-1-1 is an absurdist romp that is immensely entertaining.  Most of the situations on the show involve preposterous, over-the-top emergencies and various public servants coming together to save the day in a calm and creative way.  If the final season and series finale doesn’t involve an alien invasion and the various 9-1-1 related issues caused by such an outlandish situation, I will be deeply disappointed.


Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Jennifer Love Hewitt – I’ve-Had-A-Crush-On-Her-Since-I-Was-A-Kid Sexiness

2) Peter Krause – Conflicted-Fireman Sexiness

3) Fire Truck – Saving-Lives-And-Driving-Fast Sexiness

SIMPLE MINDED PRIMETIME TV VIEWING GUIDE 2018 – Weekend

1 – BOB’S BURGERS

Simple Minded Summary

Do you like hamburgers?  It’s a cartoon about a guy who makes hamburgers with his family and so much more.  So if you like hamburgers and more things, then this is the show for you.

Reasons To Watch

1) It’s been happening gradually, but Bob’s Burgers is officially the best show on Sunday nights and one of the best TV shows currently airing in any format.  Though Bob’s Burgers is the new kid on the block compared to The Simpsons and Family Guy (which have been on for a combined 100,000 years on television!), it has actually been on for close to a decade but it still feels like it’s only a few seasons old.  That just goes to show you how fresh and lean (Ha ha, ground beef joke – zing!) the writing and production of this show has been over the years. 

2) H. Jon Benjamin simply kicks ass.  His super sexy voice should be reason alone to tune in every Sunday night.  And the rest of the voice cast – including Kristen Schaal, John Roberts, Dan Mintz, Eugene Mirman – and everyone else on the show also do a pretty damn good job of bringing life to the characters.  What can I say, everyone involved on the show kicks ass.  Good job, everyone on Bob’s Burgers.

3) Bob Belcher –Mustachioed-Meat-Bringer Sexiness

2 – THE SIMPSONS

Simple Minded Summary

A simple cartoon sitcom that has evolved into its own complex universe, complete with thousands of characters and locations.  One day The Simpsons mythology will gain a life of its own and become the basis of a new religion when society collapses and all that is left of our civilization is random copies of The Simpsons on DVD.

Reasons To Watch

1) Even after close to a millennia on TV, it’s still good for a good chuckle and that’s all we ask of it.  It’s been said before, but each episode gives you at least one or two good laughs and each season gives you one or two great episodes.  Which is more than some BRAND NEW comedies can produce in today’s bloated streaming/cable market.

2) For some reason, people decided last year that Apu was offensive even though he’s been on the air for decades and he’s always been portrayed as intelligent and hard working.  I guess people are more whiny nowadays and will bitch and complain about everything.  But as long as they don’t complain about Bumblee Man and Pepito, The Biggest Cat In The Whole Wide World, I’ll be happy.  I will definitely kick someone’s ass if they dare besmirch the name of our most beloved Mexican American icons.  If anything they should replace Apu with Bumblebee Man, Pepito or Senor Ding Dong.  The Mexican community have more important things to do than bitch and complain about a fucking cartoon character and would appreciate a successful small business owner representing them on TV.

3) Pepito, The Biggest Cat In The Whole Wide World – Awesome-Mexican-Stereotype Sexiness

3 – SUPERGIRL

Simple Minded Summary

Some people think that Supergirl is too political and don’t want to watch it for that reason.  Some people are morons that complain about everything.  Supergirl kicks ass while wearing a sexy, yet modest, skirt.  I like Supergirl.

Reasons To Watch (Pretty much  just pictures of the first thing that pops up on Google image search when you type in ‘sexy’)

1) Melissa Benoist – Strong-Female-Role-Model Sexiness

2) Katie McGrath – Villain-But-Not-Yet-A-Villain Sexiness

3) Mehcad Brooks – Wasn’t-Jimmy-Olsen-A-Nerd? Sexiness