Simple Minded Entertainment 2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

EL PASO AREA SUPERINTENDENTS MAKE EL PASO PROUD! – In hilarious news this week, it was just revealed that two local superintendents got in a fight in a San Antonio Whataburger in mid-June.  The conflict started when an unnamed El Paso area superintendent (cover-up much?) went up to Socorro ISD Superintendent Jose Espinoza and criticized his clothes.  To be exact, the unnamed idiot said, ““Where are you coming from? Soccer practice?”  At that point, Jose Espinoza did the obvious cholo-thing and told him to repeat the question.  The exact quote was not listed, but the natural Socorro cholo phrase would be, “Why don’t you come say that to my face, ese?”  Unnamed idiot took the bait but then head-butted Jose Espinoza after repeating the question.  The situation broke down into a mini-brawl with Jose Espinoza throwing a punch after the head butt.  There is no detailed specifics, but I like to think they both started slap-fighting and then they wrestled around on the floor like some comedy involving yuppies fighting.  There is obviously some special treatment going on and the other superintendent should be named and hopefully ridiculed for getting into a drunk fight at a Whataburger during a “leadership” conference.  Our superintendents might not be too good at educating kids, but damn can they drunk fight with the best of them.  (cbs4local.com)

MAYBE THOSE “SAVE CRAZY CAT TRAIL” PEOPLE CAN FINALLY DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND “SAVE RED SANDS”.  ARROYO TRAILS ARE A DIME A DOZEN IN EL PASO, SAND DUNES ARE MUCH RARER AND NEED TO BE SAVED – To no one’s surprise, irresponsible morons flooded Red Sands during the July 4^th holiday and left the beautiful dunes covered in trash and debris.  This Sunday morning the Texas Rescue Patrol (TPR) will be holding a volunteer cleanup at Red Sands with the hope of cleaning up all the trash left in the aftermath of July 4^th.  TPR is a great volunteer group that tries to keep Red Sands clean and safe for the community.  It would be nice if the government could finally turn Red Sands into a regional, state or national park area – but the dunes lie amid a hodgepodge of private lots with no unified ownership.  It would take a lot of effort, but turning Red Sands into regulated public park land should be a high priority for all local stakeholders.  If a random arroyo trail like Crazy Cat can be saved, then why not Red Sands?  (cbs4local.com)

WELCOME BACK, CODY DECKER – Ex-El Paso Chihuahuas player, Cody Decker, recently announced his retirement from professional baseball and his return to El Paso.  Decker will now be the Associate Executive Director for Athletic Development with the El Paso Border Youth Athletic Association where he will help local youth reach their athletic potential.  He and his wife, Jenn Sterger Decker, will also be doing a radio/podcast sports show in the area and we wish them the greatest success on their return home.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

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NEW ORLEANS SHOULD HAVE LEARNED ITS LESSON AFTER KATRINA, RIGHT?  THE NEW ORLEANS GOVERNMENT ISN’T THAT INCOMPETENT, RIGHT? – Tropical Storm Barry is expected to hit southern Louisiana as a category one hurricane over the weekend and people all across Louisiana are bracing for impact.  Although not a severely powerful storm, Barry will bring a ton of rain to the region and will test the flood protection capabilities of New Orleans and surrounding areas.  Much was learned after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city and, hopefully, New Orleans is now better prepared to handle hurricanes and extreme flooding.  (reuters.com)

IT’S CRICKET-MANIA AS ENGLAND AND NEW ZEALAND PLAY FOR THE CRICKET WORLD CUP TITLE – The world cup final (the cricket one, not the futball one) is finally upon us as England take on New Zealand for the championship on Sunday.  Both teams had some shaky moments during the tournament, but persevered and pulled off some outstanding wins to get where they are.  The Cricket World Cup is played under the one-day international format that consists of 50 overs a side and is not to be confused with traditional cricket where one game can take days, months or even years to complete (only a slight exaggeration).  So get ready for some exciting cricket action!  It’s like baseball only cricket is actually fun.  (bbc.com)

THIS IS HOW THE SEAWEED MONSTER COMES TO LIFE.  ONLY GODZILLA CAN SAVE US NOW – 2018 saw the largest seaweed bloom in history stretch from West Africa across the Atlantic Ocean to the Gulf of Mexico.  A scientific study of this amazing phenomenon did not pinpoint an exact cause, but it is believed a series of events and conditions created the explosion of Sargassum weed that eventually washed up in beaches around the Atlantic.  I’m not saying this giant mass of seaweed will become a sentient seaweed monster, but I’ve seen enough monster movies to know that this is exactly what is going to happen.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

WILL CHICO THE CHIHUAHUA WIN THE HOME RUN DERBY?  YOU’LL HAVE TO TUNE IN TO FIND OUT – The 2019 RMHC Triple-A Baseball All-Star Game will be happening next week and El Paso’s very own City Hall Field has been chosen to host the festivities.  Three Chihuahuas baseball players (Ty France, Austin Allen and Luis Urias) will take part in the all-star game and some will also take a shot in the home run derby.  And I’m sure Chico The Chihuahua will also show up at some point and do various dances on the field among other antics.  The game will take place on July 10 with the home run derby taking place a few days before on July 8.  So make sure you go out and support your Chihuahuas and make the city look good on the national stage.  So that means NOT getting drunk at the game and running naked onto the field.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

THIS IS WHY ANIMAL SERVICES ALWAYS TELLS PEOPLE WEEKS IN ADVANCE TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR PETS DURING JULY 4^TH.  MORAL OF THE STORY, MOST PETS DON’T LIKE FIREWORKS AND A BUNCH GOT LOST THIS PAST 4^TH OF JULY – Between July 3 and July 5, 188 lost pets were brought to El Paso Animal Services in the hopes that their owners would be found.  The July 4^th holiday is typically one of the busiest times at the animal shelter due to lost pets, and this year was no exception.  Most fees are being waived this month as animal services tries to reunite most of these pets with their families, so if you lost your pet this past week – please check with the animal shelter and make sure you follow the warnings and keep a close eye on your pets during these types of holidays.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

WET N’ WILD IS CELEBRATING ITS 40^TH ANNIVERSARY AND THAT MEANS 40 YEARS OF JULY 4^TH FIREWORKS! – We’re in the midst of Wet N’ Wild’s 40^th anniversary celebration season and this July 4^th the water park marked 40 years of fireworks and Independence Day celebrations.  Here’s to 40 more years of hot girls in bikinis and explosions!  (cbs4local.com)

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AND THAT WAS A VERY BIG REMINDER THAT CALIFORNIA GETS EARTHQUAKES.  IT’S BEEN MORE THAN 20 YEARS SINCE A QUAKE THIS BIG HIT THE STATE, BUT THERE’S A REASON THEY SPEND ALL THAT MONEY ON EARTHQUAKE-SAFE CONSTRUCTION – Not one, but two, major earthquakes have struck California in the past few days and the southern part of the state is on edge after a few decades of rather tranquil earthquake activity.  The first tremor was a major 6.4 quake that struck near Ridgecrest on July 4 and then tonight an even bigger 7.1 quake struck in roughly the same area.  Though many people thought the first quake was the main event, it turns out it was only a foreshock.  Luckily no major casualties have been recorded from these quakes, but the shaking was strong enough to be felt in Los Angeles and Las Vegas which are more than 100 miles away.  Keep safe, Californinos.  (ktla.com)

WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS HOW MANY TEAM USA PLAYERS WILL GET DRUNK AT DISNEY WORLD IF THEY WIN THE WORLD CUP.  I SAY DISNEY SHOULD GIVE THEM ALL FREE BOOZE AND NOT KICK THEM OUT IF THE DO WIN THE WORLD CUP – The U.S. Women’s futball team will take on the Netherlands this Sunday in the final of the Women’s World Cup.  The U.S. team is ranked number one in the world but the Netherlands are the reigning European champions and are a tough challenge.  Good luck to the U.S. women’s team and hope they play a great game.  I assume Disneyland Paris will be on red alert if the U.S. wins and Alex Morgan shows up at the park.  (sbnation.com)

I NEVER KNEW HOT DOGS LED SUCH INTERESTING LIVES – If you ever wondered how hot dogs became so popular in America, the BBC (of all places) has you covered.  Read up on the story of the first hot dogs and how Feltman’s and Nathan’s in New York’s Coney Island were responsible for the rise of the hot dog in America.  God bless hot dogs.  God bless America.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOKS LIKE INN OF THE MOUNTAIN GODS IS GETTING A SPORTSBOOK.  GUESS I’M GOING TO SPEND MORE TIME AND MONEY IN RUIDOSO NOW – The Mescalero Apache Tribe will start offering sports betting later this year at their Inn Of The Mountain Gods Casino after partnering with William Hill to open a sportsbook at the casino.  With this move, Inn Of The Mountain Gods will become the 4^th casino in New Mexico to allow sports betting but it will become my personal number one casino in New Mexico.  Good show, Mescalero Apache Tribe.  (cbs4local.com)

LOOK AT HORIZON CITY, ALL FANCY WITH A BRAND NEW FIRE STATION – Horizon City has begun construction on their fire department’s #2 station in a bid to keep up with the impressive growth of the city.  The fire department will make the community safer and is a great sign of efficient and responsible public infrastructure investment by the city government.  Meanwhile in Sparks, the city has hired a mule with a garden house to function as both fire department AND mayor!  You’d think Sparks would incorporate by now after seeing what a united community like Horizon City can accomplish; but they are probably just waiting for El Paso, Socorro and/or Horizon City to annex them.  You can’t be an unincorporated wild west outpost forever, Sparks.  You either incorporate and do something with the community or just get absorbed by another entity.  Although a Mayor/Fire Department Mule is awesome, it can’t solve all your problems.  (cbs4local.com)

THE GIANT PSYCHEDELIC FUNGUS LIVING AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE EL PASO WESTSIDE NATATORIUM HAS WON AN AWARD.  SCORE ONE FOR GIANT PSYCHEDELIC FUNGAL GROWTHS – CODAworx has just awarded the public art piece at the EL Paso Westside Natatorium a CODA Award as one of the top 100 public art pieces in the world.  The work is known as “Marquise” and was created by artist Marc Fornes, though most people just call it the “giant psychedelic fungal explosion at the entrance to the pool”.  As an added bonus, people can go to the CODA website and vote for the piece as one of the top 2 people’s choice award winners.  So go and vote for the piece and let’s give the giant hippie fungus another prize.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

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EUROPE IS BURNING AND PARTS OF THE CONTINENT ARE LITERALLY ON FIRE.  I GUESS DRY DESERT SUMMERS AREN’T SO BAD AFTER ALL – Europe just went through one of the biggest heat waves in its history this week and many records were broken throughout the continent.  Of note is that France recorded its highest temperature in history when the mercury rose to 45.9C (114.6F) in Gallargues-le-Montueux in the southern part of the country.  The heat wave came as a result of hot air pouring in from North Africa and, even though it’s not a direct result of global climate change, scientists believe that events like this will become more intense and frequent as a result of climate change.  In addition to the high temps, the extreme weather also exasperated fires in Spain that have now become some of the biggest in decades.  Even El Paso doesn’t get that bad in the summer.  (bbc.com)

IT’S GOOD TO SEE THAT SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING ON TOOLS TO EXPOSE DEEPFAKE VIDEOS.  BUT THE PROBLEM WITH DEEPFAKES IS THAT ONCE THEY CREATE THE INEVITABLE MARILYN MONROE/ADOLF HITLER SEX TAPE, I WILL BE UNABLE TO UNSEE IT.  I KNOW IT’S FAKE, THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM WITH THOSE VIDEOS – Deepfakes are those creepy videos where they put someone’s face on another person in order to make them look like they are doing or saying something that they would normally not do.  The majority of these videos are doctored porn videos where celebrities are put into explicit sex scenes with varying degrees of realism.  Although most of the fake videos are easy to spot, some are created by creepily obsessive individuals that have mastered the deepfakes programs and are creating amazingly realistic forgeries.  Luckily, scientists are working on various analytic tools and algorithms to point out fake videos even when the naked eye can’t tell the difference.  It’s a creepy, creepy world.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m NOT going to go online and search for Harvey Weinstein Deepfakes.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

IN THE GOVERNMENT’S DEFENSE, THEY’RE PRETTY FUCKING INCOMPETENT AND ARE PROBABLY NOT TORTURING MIGRANT CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL – Clint was in international news this week, but not for any good reasons.  The child migrant shelter in Clint made headlines when news leaked out that the children there were living in deplorable conditions and the whole thing was borderline child abuse.  Though some people think that the Trump Administration has encouraged idiot government officials to brazenly commit child torture, the most likely reason this is happening is that the government is really incompetent.  Border Patrol, Homeland Security and Customs can barely take care of themselves and do their jobs properly; so there is no chance in hell those morons will be able to take care of children properly.  The American government in general is pretty fucking incompetent and there are thousands of American children currently in foster care that are in even worse conditions than the kids in Clint.  If Child Protective Services is barely capable of tracking and taking care of kids, the Border Patrol is naturally going to do a piss poor job of doing the exact same thing.  (cbs4local.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S OFFICIAL!  EL PASO IS GETTING A DENTAL SCHOOL! – In a major coup for El Paso’s legislators this budgetary session, the State of Texas has given an appropriation of $20 million to establish the Woody L. Hunt School of Dental Medicine at Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center El Paso.  This is the result of many years of hard work by many people in the community including generous donations by the Hunt Family (where the school will get its name from) and the Paso Del Norte Health Foundation.  Kudos to all involved.  Now all we need is a school of architecture and a law school in El Paso – let’s start working on that.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

GET READY TO FLY YOUR PRIDE FLAG, EL PASO! – It’s El Paso Gay Pride Week and the festivities will conclude on Saturday with the annual Gay Pride Parade and Pride Fest in Downtown El Paso.  So go out and support the region’s gay community while also using the day as an excuse to wear the tight leather shorts and mesh shirt we all know you have hidden away in storage.  And don’t forget to take advantage of the free streetcar rides on Saturday that will feature a performance by the Sun City Divas drag queen ensemble.  The El Paso Downtown Streetcar is free to ride all this summer, but this will be the only time that will include a free drag show!  Though it’s possible that many impromptu drag shows will take place throughout the summer on the streetcars.  (cbs4local.com)

WE APPRECIATE THE SHAMELESS EXCUSE TO POST A STORY INVOLVING ADORABLE BABY BUNNIES.  WELL PLAYED, LAS CRUCES POLICE DEPARTMENT – Kudos to Officer Joshua Herrera of the Las Cruces Police Department for his selfless bunny rescue on Monday.  The officer was investigating the area of a crime scene when he saw two baby bunnies covered in ants in a nearby area.  He cleaned off the bunnies and placed them in the shade and then, after completing his duties, noticed that the bunnies were covered in ants again and had been essentially abandoned by mama bunny.  Thankfully, the bunnies were taken in by a representative of the Stick House Sanctuary who say the bunnies are doing fine.  It is not known if mama bunny has been found or if any charges will be filed against her for bunny abandonment.  (cbs4local.com)

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I BELIEVE THIS IS HOW MAD MAX STARTED – For years, authorities have been warning about the day when cities will run out of water if they don’t change their ways.  While the problem almost reached zero hour in South Africa awhile back, it seems like India might be the first country to experience a city running out of water.  Chennai is the sixth largest city in India and its four reservoirs, which provide most of the water, have recently run dry.  As it stands, Chennai and its more than four million residents are on the brink of losing access to their water supply.  The government has been forced to bring in water trucks to distribute water to the masses and some restaurants and hotels have practically shut down due to the crisis.  The delay in the yearly monsoon has made the situation worse and the people of Chennai are desperately awaiting rain to finally fall on the city after an extremely long dry spell.  Water is the most important thing for any city and all government should use this as an example of why proper long term water planning is necessary for any city and country.  (bbc.com)

TURNS OUT BELUGA WHALES AND NARWHALS CAN HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER AND MAKE BABIES.  IT’S PRACTICALLY ROMEO AND JULIET WITH LARGE SEA MAMMALS – DNA evidence has discovered that an odd whale skull from the 1980s belongs to a hybrid narwhal/beluga offspring that has been named a “narluga”.  After being killed by an Inuit hunter in Greenland in the 1980s, the skull was kept as a trophy and ended up in the hands of a Danish natural history museum and researchers in the 1990s.  Recent DNA analysis has confirmed years of speculation and we now know that belugas and narwhals can successfully mate together.  I think science should next study if it’s possible for a tiger to have sex with a narwhal.  Ligers are cool, but tigwhals are infinitely cooler.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

DONALD TRUMP IS BASICALLY AN IMPULSIVE TODDLER THAT MAKES LIFE AND DEATH DECISIONS ON A WHIM.  GOD HELP US ALL – It was revealed today that Donald “cocked and loaded” Trump ordered an attack on Iran and then called it off minutes before the attack was to be executed.  And even though he caused this mess, he made it seem like he was a hero for calling off an attack that HE HIMSELF ordered!  Lord knows why Donald Trump is bullying Iran and lets Russia and Saudi Arabia get away with infinitely worse things, but I’m pretty sure that Donald Trump is just jealous that Barack Obama has a bigger dick than him and wants to tear down everything that Obama did.  So Obama made a peace deal with Iran and Donald Cuck has to break it because his micro-dick psyche is insecure.  It goes without saying; Donald Trump is a complete, fucking cunt.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

MAYBE ONE DAY THEY’LL TURN VIVA! EL PASO INTO A LAS VEGAS-STYLE SHOWGIRL REVUE.  THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! – Viva! El Paso is back for the summer and this year will be the 42^nd season for El Paso’s favorite musical production.  The show has music by Jim Ward and also features the work of Tony award winners and other highly experienced creative professionals.  The show runs most of the summer at 8 PM on Fridays & Saturdays and takes place in the amazing outdoor theatre at McKelligon Canyon.  So be sure to include Viva! El Paso on your “to do” list this summer.  It doesn’t feature any topless showgirls, but it’s still a great musical.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

ALTHOUGH THE LICON DAIRY PETTING ZOO HASN’T FULLY RECOVERED SINCE THE DOG ATTACK, NEW THINGS ARE HAPPENING AT THE DAIRY – The Licon Dairy has a new restaurant/bar called the Outlaw Saloon and as long as they serve their fresh Asadero cheese, it should be a delicious place to get a bite to eat.  The new restaurant is right next to the petting zoo and just behind the retail store where they sell their world famous cheeses.  Although the petting zoo isn’t back 100%, it has reopened along with the new restaurant and upcoming outdoor patio.  So if you ever find yourself in San Elizario, now you can get Asaderos AND booze in one place.  Viva San Elizario!  (cbs4local.com)

IN A DRAMATIC HEEL TURN, SIN CARA WILL CHALLENGE THE EL PASO STREETCAR TO A FIGHT THEN HIT IT WITH A CHAIR – Amazing news for pro wrestling and lucha libre fans as later this month the El Paso Museum of History will kick off its planned lucha libre exhibit with a special appearance by local legend, Sin Cara.  On June 27, the wrestling superstar will take part in a ride along with guests on the Downtown El Paso streetcar and then be the guest of honor at a reception and pop-up exhibit at the museum.  This is just the first part of a much larger lucha libre exhibit that will go up at the El Paso Museum of History and we can’t wait until it opens.  I hope one of the streetcars wears a wrestling outfit in honor of the occasion.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

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EBOLA HAS NOW SPREAD FROM DR CONGO TO UGANDA.  AND THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING WORSE IN CENTRAL AFRICA – Bad news came from Uganda this week when it was discovered that two people had died from the virus (and many more were infected) after a family returned from DR Congo where they were taking care of Ebola-infected relatives.  The 50-year-old woman and her 5-year-old grandson are the first fatalities from Ebola in Uganda as a result of the epidemic that started in Congo.  While it’s not too shocking to hear the news that the Ebola virus has spread from the Democratic Republic of Congo to Uganda, it’s still very disturbing to hear that such a deadly disease has yet to be contained in this very chaotic environment.  If there is any silver lining, it’s that Uganda doesn’t have any civil wars going on and the country is much more stable than DR Congo.  This could still get very bad for Uganda and the rest of the world, but so far the authorities in Uganda have followed all recommendations and procedures advised by the international medical community.  Meanwhile in eastern DR Congo, over 1,400 people have died from the Ebola outbreak and there really is no end in sight.  (bbc.com)

HONG KONG REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO BE A PART OF CHINA – Protests have spread across Hong Kong as citizens are angry over a proposed extradition law with China and surrounding territories.  On paper, the law is not too harsh and would only allow for extraditions for severe crimes and would first have to be approved by Hong Kong authorities before the extradition goes through.  However, most people see this is an attempt by China to gain more power in Hong Kong’s autonomous judicial system and many people are adamant about keeping their sovereignty and will fight any attempt by China to gain ground in Hong Kong.  Whatever happens, conflicts like these will only increase in frequency as 2047 approaches and the end of the “1 country, 2 systems” compromise comes to an end.  Either China fully recognizes Hong Kong’s permanent autonomy or Hong Kong gives in and becomes “just another city in China”; a permanent solution must be reached by 2047 or things will get very messy in this part of the world.  (bbc.com)

TURNS OUT ZEBRA STRIPES MAKE THEM LOOK COOL AND KEEP THEM COOL AT THE SAME TIME – Science has yet to figure out why exactly zebras have stripes and what specific evolutionary advantage they give them, but we do have some new theories out there.  In addition to the prevailing theory that the stripes help ward off insects, some new research has shown that the stripe pattern might create mini air flows around the zebra that act like personal air conditioning for them.  New research from Alison and Stephen Cobb in the Journal Of Natural History has revealed that there are visible temperature differences caused in and around the animal by the stripe patterns.  In addition, the temperature differences can also be seen between the dark and white bands on the animal that create a sort of micro-climate with small airflow around the animal.  Although the main stripe theories involve insect repelling, temperature control, camouflage or a little of everything; my scientific analysis leads me to believe that zebras have stripes because it makes them look cool and helps them get babes.  Never underestimate the evolutionary power of snazzy stripes.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

GOOD NEWS FOR FANS OF BIG, FACELESS CORPORATIONS OWNING IMPORTANT AREAS OF PUBLIC INFRASTRUCTURE.  EL PASO ELECTRIC HAS JUST BEEN BOUGHT UP BY ONE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED BIG, FACELESS CORPORATIONS – In major news that will have an impact on practically everyone in the region, it was announced this week that El Paso Electric will be purchased by Infrastructure Investments Fund (IIF).  The deal is expected to be completed by early next year and is worth between $2 billion and $5 billion according to different sources.  Although they are promising that the headquarters will remain in El Paso and that no local jobs or rates will be impacted by the move, it’s safe to say that there will be some big changes in store for El Paso Electric and all its customers.  Now we anxiously wait to see how our new J.P. Morgan backed overlords dick around with our local electricity.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

I WILL CALL THE NEW JUAREZ DIVISION 1 FUTBALL CLUB THE BUAPOS – After years of waiting, it appears that Juarez will once again get another team in the top flight of Mexico’s futball league system.  Although nothing is official yet, many media outlets are reporting that an announcement will be made on Monday regarding the purchase of the financially shaky – yet top flight – Lobos BUAP futball club by the ownership group of the Bravos de Juarez.  Once confirmed and approved, the currently 2^nd tier Bravos de Juarez would take over for Lobos and become a Liga MX team via a simple name change.  The process will probably go both ways and the Lobos BUAP futball club would return to the 2^nd division where it will hopefully stop losing money for its owners.  It’s a win-win for everyone!  (diario.mx)

WHEN THE ZOMIBE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS, STAY AWAY FROM THE MEDICAL SCHOOL.  THAT’S WHERE THEY HAVE THE BRAIN BANK AND IS THE FIRST PLACE THE ZOMBIES WILL GO – Kudos to the Robert E. and Evelyn McKee Foundation for donating money again to the Southwest Brain Bank at Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center El Paso.  And thanks to this generous donation, this week I learned that there is a brain bank at the local medical school that has brain tissue samples used for research purposes.  This is very cool but also very creepy and makes me wonder if smaller organizations use brain credit unions instead of brain banks for their research.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

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SUDAN HAS JUST BEEN SUSPENDED FROM THE AFRICAN UNION AFTER WEEKS OF PROTESTS HAVE LED TO COUNTLESS CIVILIAN DEATHS.  SUDAN MUST HAVE REALLY FUCKED UP, BECAUSE THE LIST OF COUNTRIES IN THE AFRICAN UNION HAS SOME PRETTY CORRUPT AND AUTHORITARIAN NAMES ON IT – The protests in Sudanese capital Khartoum and the rest of Sudan against military rule reached a tipping point this week as dozens of civilians died in clashes with government forces.  The government crackdown of the relatively peaceful protests has drawn condemnation from around the world and has resulted in the African Union suspending Sudan until civilian rule is restored and the military relinquishes the power it gained after the collapse of Omar al-Bashir’s dictatorship.  So even though the Sudanese people managed to remove one dictator from power, it seems like the military is just angling to set up another authoritarian regime in its place.  After hope filled the country a few months back, things are starting to look pretty bad for Sudan.  (bbc.com)

NEW ORLEANS WON’T BE AS ROCKING WITHOUT DR. JOHN AROUND – In sad news, Dr. John (Malcolm John Rebennack, Jr.) passed away this week at the age of 77. He was a rock and roll legend and a piano-playing genius that was the epitome of everything that made New Orleans cool.  He was best known for his hit song “Right Place Wrong Time” but also created many other albums, songs, TV themes and jingles that are known and loved by many for their infectious funky vibe and distinct vocals.  He was a great performer and his shows were flamboyant explosions of musical fireworks.  Heaven just got more funky with the arrival of Dr. John.  (deadline.com)

WILL THEY FINALLY MAKE THE PROPER E.T. VIDEO GAME THE WORLD SO DESPERATELY NEEDS? – E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) will be taking place next week as the world’s top video game makers gather in Los Angeles to reveal what they have in store for the coming year and especially the uber-busy Christmas season.  While the event isn’t as big as it used to be, it’s still one of the biggest video game events in the world and the best place to scope out what the next big thing in video games will be.  I remember when this event was the brand spanking new “be all and end all” event for video games back when I was in high school and now I feel old.  Then again, I also remember when Atari was cool so I feel ancient.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go play E.T. The Video Game and cry.  (cnet.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

CON-GRAD-ULATIONS TO ALL THE AREA YOUNG PEOPLE AS THEY ESCAPE THE JOYOUS EXISTENCE OF YOUTH TO ENTER THE NEVER-ENDING SLOG THAT IS ADULTHOOD – Summertime is here and that means that a new batch of young adults around El Paso and the surrounding region are preparing for their graduation (either from high school or college).  Congratulations to everyone who has graduated or will graduate over the next few weeks and remember to enjoy these precious times before you unknowingly slam into the monolithic slab known as being a responsible adult.  (cbs4local.com)

LAS CRUCES IS SO AWESOME THAT EVERY APARTMENT COMES WITH A FREE PIGEON.  FREE PIGEONS! – The Park Place Apartments in Las Cruces are apparently infested with pigeons, which is very hard to do because pigeons are pretty big and not the type of animal you would expect to live in an apartment.  The situation was so bad that some residents called the local CBS station and that helped in finally bringing the owners out to fix the problem.  Although if I had to choose between rat and roach infested apartments or apartments with pigeons – I would choose the pigeon apartments.  If anything, the pigeons eat the roaches and scare the rats and would make for friendly neighbors.  (cbs4local.com)

WHITE TRASH FOREIGNERS FROM REDNECKISTAN BUILD POINTLESS AND ILLEGAL WALL ALONG SHITTY BRICK COMPANY’S PROPERTY IN SUNLAND PARK.  ALTHOUGH MANY PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE FOREIGN REFUGEES FROM CENTRAL AMERICA IN EL PASO, TO THIS DAY THEY HAVE NOT CAUSED THE LEVEL OF VANDALISM THAT FOREIGNERS FROM REDNECKISTAN CREATED IN A FEW DAYS – The morons who raised money online to build a pointless wall gathered in Sunland Park last week to build a “border wall” within the property of that shitty brick company in Sunland Park.  Naturally, proper permits were not attained from the City of Sunland Park and the legality of the wall is in limbo.  To be fair, I don’t think Sunland Park has any actual building inspectors and they probably just went in with a picture of a 2 foot garden wall and tried to pull a fast one on whoever is in charge of these things in Sunland in order to get a quickie, borderline illegal permit.  Also of note, because of the weirdo border lines drawn up by idiots in Washington over the years (but especially during the compromise of 1850) the wall is actually separating New Mexico land from Texas and has minimal impact on the Mexico border.  But this is all being done for optics by the white trash from Redneckistan and isn’t even remotely about “security”.  Get your shit together, Sunland, and make them tear down this illegally built monstrosity.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

HAVE NO FEAR, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS WILL SAVE THE DAY.  WHO NEEDS RATIONAL GUN LAWS – Another day and another mass shooting has occurred in America.  This time a disgruntled ex-employee, and overall scumbag, in Virginia Beach opened fire in a municipal building with a modified handgun and a movie assassin accessory kit – killing 12 people.  Unfortunately, these things are so common now that nothing will come of it and people will forget about it the next day.  In a competent country, at least some basic gun control and mental health action would be taken after something like this.  But hey, at least politicians can send their thoughts and prayers via Twitter.  That will solve everything!  (reuters.com)

HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT CANADA IS ON FIRE?  WITH ALL THE FOCUS ON TORNADOES AND FLOODS, MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD CHECK ON CANADA – A massive string of wildfires around northern Alberta has burned a massive area of Canada and has produced enough smoke to cover a large part of North America.  The biggest of these blazes is the Chuckegg Creek Fire that is currently on a massive tear through the northern part of the country.  Although the areas in the path of these fires are sparsely populated, the ecological damage will be devastating and the health impact from the smoke will reach a far bigger area than just northern Canada.  Hopefully some of those rains will push up north and lend a hand in preventing Canada from exploding.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

DONALD TRUMP WILL BE GOING TO THE UK THIS WEEKEND.  WHICH WILL GIVE HIM TIME TO FIND MORE WAYS TO EMBARRASS THE COUNTRY AND/OR DISTRACT FROM THE IMPEACHMENT HE SO HANDILY DESERVES – It was a banner week for Donald Trump as Robert Mueller broke his silence to all but imply that Donald Trump did commit obstruction of justice and that Congress should impeach him.  Naturally, Donald Trump decided to distract from this by saying stupid things and announcing an absurd tariff on Mexico because of immigration or other stupid reasons.  At this point, toddler Trump keeps on using tariffs because that’s the only thing he can do without getting approval from Congress.  He’s like an idiot that uses the only tool on hand for every problem because he’s too stubborn or stupid to ask for help.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t sexually assault the royal family or create a Brexit tariff while he’s in England.  Lord knows he’d do it if it would distract from the impeachment.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

HOMELESSNESS IN EL PASO HAS DROPPED FROM PREVIOUS YEARS.  I GUESS ALL THE HOMELESS WENT TO LOS ANGELES OR SOMEWHERE ELSE – Various local charities and organizations did their annual “point in time” count of the city’s homeless population and have found that the number has dropped by more the 300 people since a similar “point in time” count in 2017.  Overall, the count found that at any given moment there are 183 homeless living on the streets and 626 people in shelters or transitional housing in El Paso.  These numbers are even more staggering considering that they occurred during the mild period in El Paso’s weather.  One can only imagine the number of people living on the streets substantially goes down during the Paso Del Norte region’s trademark Hot-As-Hell-Summers and Colder-Than-Lucifer’s-Teets-Winters.  But while these low numbers are a sign of improvement, more can be done to help the homeless population in El Paso and hopefully lower the numbers throughout the region.  It’s highly improbable to get to zero homelessness in a large city, but we sure can try.  Kudos to everyone involved in the local charities and organizations that are tackling this important problem.  (cbs4local.com)

TURNS OUT THERE IS AN EL PASO ANIMAL HALL OF FAME AND SUNNY THE SEA LION IS THE NEWEST INDUCTEE.  HOW COME I WASN’T TOLD OF THIS BEFORE? – One of the hidden treasures at the El Paso Zoo is the newly renovated El Paso Animal Hall of Fame sponsored by the El Paso Veterinary Medical Association.  The newest inductee will be Sunny the Sea Lion who lived at the El Paso Zoo from 1986 until his death in 2012.  Sunny brought joy to thousands of zoo visitors over the years and was the face of various awareness campaigns created by the El Paso Zoo.  He was a great ambassador for the area and he deserves to be in the El Paso Animal Hall of Fame.  You will live on forever, Sunny.  (cbs4local.com)

NEON DESERT IS BACK THIS YEAR.  NOW ALL THE GIRLS WILL PUT ON THEIR BEST BIKINI-CENTERED COSTUMES AND PARADE AROUND WHILE PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT MUSIC.  LIKEWISE, GUYS WILL PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT MUSIC WHILE STARING AT GIRLS WEARING THONGS ON THE STREET – The Neon Desert Music Festival is back this weekend and has moved a few blocks over to a new location in Downtown that won’t affect too many local businesses.  So get your best thong/outfit ready and prepare to parade around downtown while pretending you care about music.  This year they have music playing trolleys – that you can ignore while you walk around in a thong!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

YOU TRIED YOUR BEST, THERESA MAY.  HAVE A COOKIE.  NOW BRING ON THE NEXT IDIOT TO TRY TO MAKE A BENEFICIAL BREXIT DEAL WITH NO LEVERAGE WHATSOEVER – Brexit was a pretty stupid idea and now the British people can either swallow their pride and have another referendum to determine if they should remain in the EU or proceed ahead with a no-deal Brexit that will be much more devastating to the UK than to the European Union.  Whatever path they take, the only thing that is certain is that Theresa May will no longer be the Prime Minister assigned to the fool’s errand of trying to negotiate a beneficial Brexit deal with Europe.  Even though her plan failed to get enough votes multiple times, she still kept on coming with the same exact plan in a different gift box.  So the fact that she finally realized her actions were pointless and resigned shows how hopeless the process to get a Brexit deal has become.  Let’s see who volunteers to be the next sacrificial lamb/prime minister.  (bbc.com)

MOUNT EVEREST HAS PRACTICALLY BECOME A MAINSTREAM TOURIST ATTRACTION COMPLETE WITH LONG LINES TO SCALE THE MOUNTAIN.  STILL, IT’S DANGEROUS IF YOU AREN’T EXPERIENCED AND A DEADLY ENDEAVOR FOR THOSE THAT AREN’T FULLY PREPARED – Seven people, including four in the past few days, have died while scaling Mount Everest during the current climbing season that has been plagued by a narrow climbing window due to the weather.  The situation has created gridlock on the mountain as everyone tries to climb during the periods when the weather is decent and thus large lines form as people attempt to climb and descend the peak.  So any medical emergency when you’re stuck in line is a guaranteed death sentence.  Maybe they should increase the fees to enter the climbing zone and make everyone get a medical evaluation before going up – they can keep Everest from becoming a full blown tourist trap and maybe prevent a few deaths.  (reuters.com)

BACK IN MY DAY, CATS WORKED ON THE RAIL LINES AND THE TRAINS WERE ALWAYS ON TIME AND CLEAN.  THOSE WERE THE DAYS – Kudos to the BBC for recounting the tale of Tama the cat who became the stationmaster at Kishi Station on the Kishigawa railway and helped save the line from downsizing by increasing tourism and ridership during the line’s troubled times in 2006 and 2007.  Tama has passed away, but is still highly regarded and even has a shrine that has elevated her to Goddess level in the region.  The line still has cats as stationmasters and, thanks to other tourist friendly upgrades, the Kishigawa line has survived and even increased its ridership.  So go check out the story of Tama and the cat stationmasters to motivate you to do more with your life.  If a cat can become a successful railway employee with its own shrine, there’s no excuse for everybody else.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CABARET STRIP CLUB IS DEAD.  REST IN PEACE, CABARET – After The Cabaret was temporarily shut down a few weeks ago, both sides agreed that practically every liquor, drug and prostitution law in the books had been violated at the Montana location and that a permanent shut down was the only option.  The Cabaret really had no choice because any lawsuit against the club by the government would probably result in damages in the billions of dollars if all the violations committed at the club were added up.  Seriously, A LOT of violations were committed at The Cab over the decades and no one apparently cared.  The Cabaret was famous for bending the law and it’s amazing that it went on for so long with minimal law enforcement action.  Rest in peace, Cabaret.  You were the trashiest of the trashy clubs and we all loved you for it.  (cbs4local.com)

EL PASO IS GETTING A NEW CALL CENTER!  BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT EL PASO NEEDS MORE OF – Teleperformance will be opening an operations center in El Paso that is expected to create over 1,000 jobs in the area.  Although this won’t really create any high paying or prestige jobs, work is work and 1,000 jobs will be good for the economy.  Needless to say, even the smallest announcement will bring out the Mayor and City Council to pat themselves on the back and claim a victory anywhere they can find it.  As an added bonus, all the strippers that lost their job at Cabaret can now go to apply at Teleperformance!  A call center job is only slightly more demeaning than stripping at The Cab.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

APPARENTLY YOU CAN MAKE A DECENT LIVING AND BECOME FAMOUS BY POSTING YOUTUBE VIDEOS.  WHICH IS THE OPPOSITE OF WRITING FOR SIMPLE MINDED ENTERTAINMENT, A CAREER WHERE YOU DON’T EARN A LIVING AND WHERE YOU AREN’T EVEN REMOTELY POPULAR – El Paso native Leslie Quezada has garnered a large following on social media and is currently a very popular YouTuber and makeup impresario.  Her YouTube channel is known as Les Do Makeup and has over 400,000 subscribers, which is a substantial amount of viewers.  I, however, would know nothing about this because I’m an old man and I only watch reruns of The Rockford Files and PBS – but I’m told that this YouTube thing is very popular.  Kudos to Leslie for finding success on YouTube and following her dreams.  She works her ass off on her passion and it doesn’t hurt that she is pretty cute.  Be sure to subscribe to her channel and help a local girl crack one million subscribers.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

NOT ONLY DID WE LOSE THE CABARET THIS WEEK; BUT WE ALSO LOST DORIS DAY, TIM CONWAY AND GRUMPY CAT.  A VERY SOMBER WEEK, INDEED – This week was peppered with many sad losses as the world said goodbye to entertainment icons Doris Day, Tim Conway and Grumpy Cat within the span of a few days.  There’s not much more that can be said except rest in peace.  I will miss Grumpy Cat most of all.  (deadline.com)

SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND THAT PROCESSED FOODS ARE LESS HEALTHY THAN NATURAL FOODS AND CAUSE HIGHER RATES OF WEIGHT GAIN.  IN UNRELATED NEWS, SCIENTISTS ARE STILL TRYING TO DETERMINE IF EATING NOTHING BUT WENDY’S BACONATORS IS UNHEALTHY.  THEY’LL HAVE TO STUDY IT FIRST TO FIND OUT – Processed foods are bad for you and are no substitute for whole, natural foods.  A study involving the National Institute of Health has reinforced the obvious belief that processed foods aren’t good for you but has found that even if the foods are low in fat, sugars and salt; they still cause you to gain more weight than if you ate a comparable amount of whole, natural food products.   Processed foods are best defined as the items at the grocery store that have a ton of ingredients including tons of preservatives and chemicals that are hard to pronounce; and ultra-processed foods are the ones that are made up of dozens of weirdo chemicals and maybe one natural food item thrown in for good measure – i.e. chips, sodas, candies, lunch meats, frozen dinners, rat poisons, etc.  So go out and eat an apple every now and then.  And not some apple flavored concoction, go out and eat a real apple.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

ALABAMA DECIDED TO STRENGTHEN ITS CASE THIS WEEK FOR BEING THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE, REDNECK SHITHOLE IN THE WORLD.  NOW CAN WE BOYCOTT ALABAMA?  Alabama continued with its hypocrite, redneck evangelical beliefs by passing a law that will virtually make abortion illegal in all cases (even when the pregnancy is a result of rape or incest!)  It’s hilarious that these fuckers claim to do this because “all life is precious”, when these are the same redneck trash that chant “build the wall” and want to shoot refugees on the border.  I guess life is not very precious if you are poor or a minority.  Fuck Alabama and fuck them for trying to control women.  If someone doesn’t want to have a child they should have the right to get an abortion. The last thing we need is more delinquents from broken homes that grow up to become criminals all because their parents didn’t want them.  And to add insult to injury, these “life is precious” cunts want to cut welfare funding for single moms and poor kids.  So not only do they want to force women to have children, but they don’t want the government to help them if they are poor and can’t afford to raise a kid.  Alabama – a land of ignorance and hypocrisy.  BOYCOTT ALABAMA!  (reuters.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

VIRGIN GALACTIC IS FINALLY MOVING IN TO SPACEPORT AMERICA NORTH OF LAS CRUCES.  AFTER MANY DELAYS, SPACEFLIGHTS WILL FINALLY LAUNCH OVER SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO!  – Virgin Galactic announced today that they will finally move their Virgin Galactic operations from California to Spaceport America.  The development of their launch craft and spacecraft is finally winding down and they are now comfortable enough to do their final tests at the Spaceport in anticipation of sending paying customers to suborbital space.  The move is expected to occur sometime in the Summer and will be a massive shot in the arm to Las Cruces’ economy and the surrounding region.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

BECAUSE WHAT THE PENDALE/I-10 AREA REALLY NEEDS IS A GIANT LIGHTED BOOT.  HEAVEN FORBID THEY BUILD SOMETHING NECESSARY THERE LIKE AN UNDERPASS TO FINALLY CONNECT NORTH AND SOUTH PENDALE UNDER THE FREEWAY – The City of El Paso will build a giant boot covered in lights near the Pendale/I-10 area as part of their Sun City Lights Project.  They should probably focus on getting txdot to get off their ass and finally create an underpass to connect the north and south sections of Pendale under I-10; but I guess the crippling traffic on Zaragoza, Lee Trevino and Loop 375 along I-10 isn’t really that bad.  But aside from that, a giant boot covered in lights would actually look pretty cool on the Eastside.  There’s no reason that Downtown and Central should have all the fun when it comes to outlandish El Paso freeway art projects.  (cbs4local.com)

IS THERE ANYTHING KHALID WON’T DO FOR THE COMMUNITY?  HE’S LIKE EL PASO’S SANTA CLAUS – Kudos to Khalid for starting the Great Khalid Foundation which will give out scholarships to students in the performing arts.  The foundation has hit the ground running by giving out three $10,000 scholarships to students in the Socorro Independent School District who are pursuing an education in the performing arts.  Hopefully the program expands to other school districts around the city and region so even more students can benefit from Khalid’s generosity.  Kudos, Khalid!  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

APPARENTLY JUAN GUAIDO’S PLAN TO TAKE CONTROL OF VENEZUELA INVOLVES WAITING UNTIL NICOLAS MADURO DIES OF OLD AGE – The CIA really knows how to pick them don’t they?  Despite the backing of most of the world and, let’s face it, brazenly obvious CIA help that stops just short of holding his hand and wiping his ass – Juan Guaido still can’t get enough support at home to lead the people in overthrowing Maduro.  In fact, dumbass Maduro has been so emboldened by the impotent Guaido rebellion that opposition figures are now being arrested and the government is cracking down on government officials that were following Guaido.  Hell, vice president of the National Assembly Edgar Zambrano was arrested along with his car – while he was still inside the car!  Obviously the car was the brains of the whole operation and was just using Guaido for his photogenic demeanor and pretty speeches.  (bbc.com)

HOORAY FOR POINTLESS SABRE-RATTLING!  DONALD TRUMP IS DEFINITELY NOT DISTRACTING US WHEN HE DOES STUPID ASS SHIT LIKE TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH IRAN.  MAYBE THIS TIME THEY’LL SHOOT DOWN TWO COMMERCIAL PLANES AND THEN PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED – Because Donald Trump is a moron, the U.S. is now trying to start a war with Iran and is moving military equipment to the area.  Saudi Arabia is naturally over the moon and can’t believe that they got someone as stupid as Donald Trump to do their dirty work for them.  Of course this is all for show and even Donald Trump is not dumb enough to actually start a war with Iran.  But what’s the worst that can happen?  It’s not like innocent civilians can die from shameless sabre-rattling in this part of the world. coughIRANAIRFLIGHT655cough  (bbc.com)

DON’T FORGET MOTHER’S DAY THIS WEEKEND.  THE EL PASO ZOO IS CELEBRATING WITH ORANGUTANS! – Be sure to give thanks to the woman who raised you this weekend and be sure to also salute all the women who have raised great human beings and have done all they can to be great moms.  The El Paso Zoo will be using the holiday to raise awareness for the Missing Orangutan Mothers (M.O.M.) campaign and will have many events to bring attention to this cause.  Many orangutans are killed in the wild because of poaching and the encroachment of palm oil farms into their habitat and many orangutans end up orphans because of this needless destruction.  So let’s remember all the moms this weekend –including the orangutan and other animal mommies.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)