Simple Minded Entertainment 2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

VIRGIN GALACTIC IS FINALLY MOVING IN TO SPACEPORT AMERICA NORTH OF LAS CRUCES.  AFTER MANY DELAYS, SPACEFLIGHTS WILL FINALLY LAUNCH OVER SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO!  – Virgin Galactic announced today that they will finally move their Virgin Galactic operations from California to Spaceport America.  The development of their launch craft and spacecraft is finally winding down and they are now comfortable enough to do their final tests at the Spaceport in anticipation of sending paying customers to suborbital space.  The move is expected to occur sometime in the Summer and will be a massive shot in the arm to Las Cruces’ economy and the surrounding region.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

BECAUSE WHAT THE PENDALE/I-10 AREA REALLY NEEDS IS A GIANT LIGHTED BOOT.  HEAVEN FORBID THEY BUILD SOMETHING NECESSARY THERE LIKE AN UNDERPASS TO FINALLY CONNECT NORTH AND SOUTH PENDALE UNDER THE FREEWAY – The City of El Paso will build a giant boot covered in lights near the Pendale/I-10 area as part of their Sun City Lights Project.  They should probably focus on getting txdot to get off their ass and finally create an underpass to connect the north and south sections of Pendale under I-10; but I guess the crippling traffic on Zaragoza, Lee Trevino and Loop 375 along I-10 isn’t really that bad.  But aside from that, a giant boot covered in lights would actually look pretty cool on the Eastside.  There’s no reason that Downtown and Central should have all the fun when it comes to outlandish El Paso freeway art projects.  (cbs4local.com)

IS THERE ANYTHING KHALID WON’T DO FOR THE COMMUNITY?  HE’S LIKE EL PASO’S SANTA CLAUS – Kudos to Khalid for starting the Great Khalid Foundation which will give out scholarships to students in the performing arts.  The foundation has hit the ground running by giving out three $10,000 scholarships to students in the Socorro Independent School District who are pursuing an education in the performing arts.  Hopefully the program expands to other school districts around the city and region so even more students can benefit from Khalid’s generosity.  Kudos, Khalid!  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

APPARENTLY JUAN GUAIDO’S PLAN TO TAKE CONTROL OF VENEZUELA INVOLVES WAITING UNTIL NICOLAS MADURO DIES OF OLD AGE – The CIA really knows how to pick them don’t they?  Despite the backing of most of the world and, let’s face it, brazenly obvious CIA help that stops just short of holding his hand and wiping his ass – Juan Guaido still can’t get enough support at home to lead the people in overthrowing Maduro.  In fact, dumbass Maduro has been so emboldened by the impotent Guaido rebellion that opposition figures are now being arrested and the government is cracking down on government officials that were following Guaido.  Hell, vice president of the National Assembly Edgar Zambrano was arrested along with his car – while he was still inside the car!  Obviously the car was the brains of the whole operation and was just using Guaido for his photogenic demeanor and pretty speeches.  (bbc.com)

HOORAY FOR POINTLESS SABRE-RATTLING!  DONALD TRUMP IS DEFINITELY NOT DISTRACTING US WHEN HE DOES STUPID ASS SHIT LIKE TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH IRAN.  MAYBE THIS TIME THEY’LL SHOOT DOWN TWO COMMERCIAL PLANES AND THEN PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED – Because Donald Trump is a moron, the U.S. is now trying to start a war with Iran and is moving military equipment to the area.  Saudi Arabia is naturally over the moon and can’t believe that they got someone as stupid as Donald Trump to do their dirty work for them.  Of course this is all for show and even Donald Trump is not dumb enough to actually start a war with Iran.  But what’s the worst that can happen?  It’s not like innocent civilians can die from shameless sabre-rattling in this part of the world. coughIRANAIRFLIGHT655cough  (bbc.com)

DON’T FORGET MOTHER’S DAY THIS WEEKEND.  THE EL PASO ZOO IS CELEBRATING WITH ORANGUTANS! – Be sure to give thanks to the woman who raised you this weekend and be sure to also salute all the women who have raised great human beings and have done all they can to be great moms.  The El Paso Zoo will be using the holiday to raise awareness for the Missing Orangutan Mothers (M.O.M.) campaign and will have many events to bring attention to this cause.  Many orangutans are killed in the wild because of poaching and the encroachment of palm oil farms into their habitat and many orangutans end up orphans because of this needless destruction.  So let’s remember all the moms this weekend –including the orangutan and other animal mommies.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

TAKE A SELFIE WITH COHEN STADIUM BEFORE IT’S BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS!  THAT’S A BIT MACABRE, NO? – The City of El Paso will be holding a Cohen Entertainment District information session next week where people will get to learn about the new project in Northeast El Paso while also getting a chance to say goodbye to the old stadium.  The event is scheduled for May 11 and will act as the kickoff event for the project before the stadium is torn down and construction begins sometime next Spring on the new development.  Hopefully they’ll keep a part of the stadium as a memorial or at least incorporate some of it into the new amphitheatre that’s planned for the project.  They’ll also have 25 cent hot dogs in memory of the wildly popular El Paso Diablos promotion, but sadly no 25 cent beers.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

ZOEY SPINKS IS A KINDERGARTNER AT EASTWOOD HEIGHTS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHO, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CYSTIC FIBROSIS, FIGHTS ON TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT THE DISEASE AND HELPS THE COMMUNITY IN ANY WAY SHE CAN.  IT IS HUMBLING TO SEE A KINDERGARTNER DO MORE FOR SOCIETY THAN YOUR AVERAGE ADULT – The YISD Board of Trustees has given the YISD President’s Award to Eastwood Heights student Zoey Spinks.  Although she is just a kindergartner, she has risen above her cystic fibrosis diagnosis to become a spokesperson for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of El Paso as well as spearheading a long list of community service initiatives throughout the city.  Kudos, Zoey Spinks.  You make me look like trash in comparison and make me want to do more for the community other than write smart ass comments on a delightful website.  Seriously, she makes the entire staff of Simple Minded Entertainment look like trash in comparison.  Well, trashier than normal.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

PRO – THE BORDER WEST EXPRESSWAY IS ALMOST COMPLETE; CON – TXDOT IS INVOLVED SO THE NEW ROAD CONFIGURATIONS PROMISE TO BE MASSIVE CLUSTERFUCKS – It’s almost here!  The Border West Expressway project is scheduled to be complete by the end of the summer and Loop 375 will finally be a real ‘loop’ with continuous traffic circulating around the city.  Although this will hopefully alleviate traffic, especially the choke points on I-10 near Downtown and the Westside, the expected road closures and new on/off ramp arrangements might create new traffic issues around the area.  Regardless, the massive project that cost hundreds of millions of dollars is almost complete and it promises to change transportation on the Westside and Downtown substantially – hopefully for the better.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

MEANWHILE IN THE CONGO, MORE EBOLA AND NOW MEASLES! – The death toll in the Democratic Republic of Congo due to the Ebola outbreak has now surpassed 1,000 people.  Due to continuing conflict in the northeastern portion of the country, there seems to be no end in sight to this pandemic and now the country also has to deal with an outbreak of measles.  Medical personnel find it hard to fight diseases here because the local population does not trust medical professionals and warring factions have gone so far as to attack clinics and medical professionals who are trying their best to stop the diseases.  While the chance of this disaster going global is very slim, it does appear that this will go on for a while and will eventually hit neighboring countries.  I feel bad for the person that gets Ebola AND measles AND then gets shot during the civil war.  Now that’s unlucky, even by Congo standards.  (bbc.com)

AND NOW WE GOT A MASSIVE CYCLONE HITTING INDIA’S EAST COAST.  THOSE DAMN WHIRLY STORMS ARE EVERYWHERE NOW! – Although cyclones on the Indian subcontinent are fairly common, storms as strong as Cyclone Fani are pretty rare.  The storm has already made landfall in Puri, India and is now moving in a northeasterly route.  First the major storms hit Africa and now India is getting a taste of those spinning masses of nature’s rage that go by different names depending on where you are and who you ask.  The major impact of this storm will be felt in the Orissa region of India – that has already been evacuated of over 1 million residents.  In addition, heavy rains are expected in the northeastern portion of the country and in Bangladesh – which are places not exactly known for flood prevention infrastructure.  Take care and hunker down, Orissa.  (bbc.com)

REST IN PEACE, ORIGINAL CHEWBACCA.  REST IN PEACE, PETER MAYHEW – Sadness has spread around the galaxy as Peter Mayhew, the original Chewbacca, passed away earlier this week at the age of 74.  From Wookies to Ewoks to Jar JarBinks to Jabba TheHutts; all alien species mourn the loss of the beloved Chewbacca.  Peter Mayhew stood a towering 7’3” and that was the main reason he got the role of Chewbacca starting with the original Star Wars.  But over time he made the role his own and was always there for his fans and was a permanent fixture on the convention circuit.  He had other roles, but he will always be known as Chewbacca.  Rest in peace, gentle giant of the stars.  (deadline.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

REST IN PEACE, MARK MEDOFF – One of Las Cruces’ most notable residents passed away this week and the loss leaves a very large gap in the area’s arts scene.  Mark Medoff was best known for his Tony Award winning play Children Of A Lesser God which was later turned into a movie that earned him an Academy Award nomination for screenwriting.  Mark Medoff fell in love with Las Cruces and NMSU and decided to dedicate his life to the region and to improve the art scene around him via the multiple stage and film projects he created here.  Godspeed, Mark Medoff.  (kvia.com)

AIM FOR THE STARS, SUNLAND PARK!  GOT GET THAT INTERNATIONAL PORT OF ENTRY – The City Of Sunland Park has been asking for a port of entry on the Mexico border for decades and it is commendable that they keep on chugging along with their plans.  Although various forces at different levels of the government have pushed back on the project, this would be a great development for the city and would bring in a massive economic impact to Sunland and the communities immediately south of the border.  Although the city should also be focusing on a major road to connect the community directly to the Santa Teresa port of entry, the Sunland Park International Bridge over the railroad is much more important at the moment.  Kudos to the Sunland Park government for making news for something that doesn’t involve corruption or stupidity – fingers crossed that the city government doesn’t turn this into a story about corruption AND stupidity.  (cbs4local.com)

MAYBE THEY CAN CONVERT THE COUNTRY CLUB INTO A TRENDY DOUCHEBAR.  EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TRENDY DOUCHEBARS ARE THE ONLY BUSINESSES THAT DON’T HAVE FINANCIAL PROBLEMS ON THE EASTSIDE – After decades of existence, the Vista Hills Country Club will close its doors at the end of the month due to lack of funds and plummeting membership.  The country club tried to develop some land and turn it into a residential subdivision in order to raise funds, but the neighbors bitched and complained and now they will lose the country club and will possibly lose the entire golf course to new developments when it is sold off.  Good job, pearl-clutchers!  And so we say goodbye to the Vista Hills Country Club and hope that it can at least be salvaged as a private golf course or some sort of public park.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IN AN ACT OF SENSELESS VIOLENCE, BASTARD TERRORISTS ATTACKED HOTELS AND CHURCHES IN SRI LANKA.  SRI LANKA … OF ALL PLACES! – Who knows what strategic value Sri Lanka has to terrorist organizations, but this small country just recovering from years of conflict was ground zero for an Easter attack against the incredibly tiny population of Christians on the island.  Over 250 people lost their life in various coordinated church and hotel bombings on Easter and the authorities are scrambling to make up for their lack of action leading up to the attacks.  Stay safe, Sri Lanka.  (bbc.com)

A STRONG CYCLONE HAS STRUCK MOZAMBIQUE, CAUSING IMMENSE DAMAGE TO COASTAL COMMUNITIES.  THIS ISN’T AN OLD HEADLINE!  ANOTHER(!) MASSIVE CYCLONE HAS STRUCK MOZAMBIQUE THIS YEAR – Last time we checked on Mozambique, a few weeks ago, Cyclone Idai hit the country with the force of a major hurricane and caused intense damage and loss of life.  In an amazingly rare occurrence (that may soon become the norm with an ever chaotic climate), Cyclone Kenneth hit the country’s coast this week with the force of a category 4 hurricane.  Much like the previous disaster, it is feared that hundreds may lose their lives and thousands will lose their homes and/or livelihood.  Major hurricanes normally don’t hit the African coast this often.  So to have two major hurricanes slam into Africa in one season is a very rare occurrence indeed.  (bbc.com)

WHICH COMIC BOOK MOVIE IS POISED TO BREAK ALL THE BOX OFFICE RECORDS THIS WEEKEND?  IS THE ANSWER HELLBOY?  DAMMIT, I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS TRIVIA THING – Avengers:  Endgame comes out this weekend and most experts predict it will shatter most first weekend box office records around the world and maybe even gross over $1 billion worldwide in one weekend.  I’m pretty sure everyone is at the theatres this moment, so I’ll just stop typing and wish everyone good luck in getting a ticket to the movie.  (deadline.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

ALL HAIL KHALID!  KING OF POP MUSIC AND PATRON SAINT OF EL PASO – Khalid has been having a hell of a year so far with a number one album and a co-headlining spot on the ever-popular Coachella Festival.  To add to his ever growing list of accomplishments, Time Magazine has just named him to their 100 Most Influential People Of 2019 list.  We wish Khalid good luck on the rest of his year and we’re glad to see him make El Paso proud.  (elpasoinc.com)

WHEN ALL YOU HAVE IS INCOMPETENCE, EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A POTENTIAL DRAINAGE POND – Many cities around the world, that get massive amounts of rain, deal with storm water with many tools that do not include massive drainage ponds.  It is ironic that a desert city like El Paso has perhaps the highest number per capita of drainage ponds in the whole wide world – and they don’t even bother turning them into park ponds or open space!  In fact, El Paso Water Utilities has built so many drainage ponds that there is one behind you at this very minute looking over your shoulder.  So it’s no surprise that they are planning yet another massive drainage pond in Northeast El Paso – off Dyer – and want to use eminent domain to buy up the four remaining properties needed to create their precious pond.  Heaven forbid their new drainage pond be reduced from 250 acres to 249 acres, that would throw off their careful calculations and require even more drainage ponds to be built in the area to compensate for the change.  So if you are looking for an easy job, just apply with El Paso Water Utilities.  The entire job consists of answering ‘DRAINAGE POND’ to every question and then digging holes in the ground.  (cbs4local.com)

HAPPY 5OTH ANNIVERSARY, EPCC!  UTEP’S LITTLE BROTHER IS A LITTLE BIT OLDER, BUT WE ALL KNOW HE’S STILL GOING TO CELEBRATE AT ONE OF THE DOUCHEBARS IN THE EASTSIDE’S GEORGE DIETER/ZARAGOZA DOUCHEMUDA TRIANGLE – In honor of El Paso Community College’s 50 years of existence, the El Paso Museum of History will be hosting an exhibition covering the college’s past and legacy.  So if you’ve ever wondered how the most drunktastic college in the world got its start, look no further than the museum’s El Paso Community College’s 50^th Anniversary: Honoring the Past, Building the Future exhibit.  The display starts this Friday, April 19; so go check it out.  Don’t tell UTEP, but we’ve always considered EPCC to be the cool brother.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THERE’S A HUNCHBACK JOKE SOMEWHERE IN HERE, BUT WE’LL BE CLASSY AND KEEP QUIET – In what was a very shocking and transfixing scene, fire tore through the centuries old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris on Monday and destroyed the entire roof and spire of the cathedral.  Luckily, firefighters managed to contain most of the blaze after they got to the scene and the fact that the rest of the building is made of stone helped in keeping the fire from spreading.  So even though the damage is quite severe, nobody died in the blaze and that’s the best outcome anyone can hope for in a situation like this.  And don’t worry about Notre Dame, as we speak millions are being pledged by people around the world and renovation plans are already underway.  The new Notre Dame will be more spectacular and will hopefully not include a highly flammable roof made of wood. (bbc.com)

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE ‘BUBBLE BOY’ DISEASE, THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU NOW HAVE HIV – Scientists have developed a new way to treat and cure severe combined immunodeficiency (‘bubble boy’ disease) by using a modified HIV virus.  Normally, children born with this disease would have to be placed in a sterile environment – a ‘bubble’ – immediately after being born or risk dying of infection.  The new treatment process involves collecting bone marrow immediately after the child is born and fixing the genetic defect in their DNA.  Then the modified gene is placed into an altered HIV virus (not the real disease-causing virus, so don’t worry) and this is used to change the genetic defect in the children.  The gene therapy gave eight patients fully functioning immune systems and a chance at a normal life, so it looks like this is a viable cure.  Who said genetically altered organisms are bad?  (bbc.com)

SEEING AS TO HOW HE LIKES TO FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF CORRUPT LEADERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.  MAYBE DONALD TRUMP CAN TAKE A CUE FROM THE EX-PRESIDENT OF PERU – Alan Garcia, ex-president of Peru, was under a corruption investigation that has taken down other politicians involved with Brazilian company Odebrecht and the pressure was building around him the past few weeks.  Rather than be arrested, Alan Garcia decided to shoot himself in the head and avoid the ensuing scandal.  Maybe other corrupt politicians should follow this example and spare the people a lengthy investigation and criminal process.  If only other corrupt dumbasses in positions of power would be inspired by him.  (reuters.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE FIRST RULE OF COMIC CON IS “DON’T STARE AT COSPLAY GIRLS UNCOMFORTABLY” – El Paso Comic Con is back this weekend with more comics, special guests, panels and sexy cosplay.  So be sure to head to Downtown and enjoy the madness that is El Paso Comic Con.  They have Power Rangers this year!  (elpasoinc.com)

THE INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM OF ART NEEDS MONEY.  GO GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY – The beloved art museum on Montana Avenue is asking for donations to beef up their Collections Management fund.  The International Museum of Art was established in the 1940s and is the forerunner of the El Paso Museum of Art in Downtown El Paso.  The museum is a very important non-profit in the El Paso area that provides a great art collection to the public and that also does a good job of showcasing local art.  So hit up their IndieGoGo page and drop them a few dimes.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LET’S BRING A CHAMPIONSHIP TO EL PASO! – Good luck to the El Paso Rhinos hockey team and the Bel Air and San Elizario (boys and girls) futball teams as they all look to advance in their respective tournaments this weekend.  The El Paso Rhinos will be looking at repeating as Thorne Cup champions while the high school futball teams will look at reaching the final four of the state tournament – which will be held next week.  We’re all rooting for you and, win or lose, you have made us all proud.  GO HIGHLANDERHINAGLES! (elpasoheraldpost.com / ktsm.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

SUDAN IS MOVING ALONG WITH ITS BLOODLESS REVOLUTION RATHER QUICKLY.  BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK IT MIGHT JUST HAVE THE MOST PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT IN AFRICA – After more than 3 decades of rule, Omar al-Bashir has been removed from power as a result of a military coup encouraged by months of protests by the masses.  The people of Sudan have been protesting since December due to the collapse of the country’s economy and the worsening conditions that have been felt by everyone since the latter part of 2018.  Even though a new military government has been set up, people are still protesting on the street and have vowed to keep it up until reforms are implemented and a full democratic government is put in place.  Hopefully this will be a turning point for Sudan and the start of a new, more democratic chapter for the country.  (bbc.com)

EVEN THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION IS SHRUGGING ITS SHOULDERS OVER THE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO.  SURE, IT’S KILLED HUNDREDS, BUT AT LEAST IT HASN’T SPREAD TO ANOTHER COUNTRY – The World Health Organization has said that although the ebola outbreak in DR Congo is severe, it is not yet at the level of a global health emergency.  Over 700 people have died since last August in the northeast portion of the country due to the virus, but because of the borderline civil war in the area it is incredibly difficult to properly render aid in the region.  The same conflict, however, has created an environment with poor infrastructure and population movement that also makes it hard for the virus to spread to other regions.  So while the people that are trapped there are royally fucked, the danger seems to be contained to this specific geographical area.  So much like the WHO, all we can do is just shrug our shoulders and hope for a best case scenario in the outbreak.  (bbc.com)

EL PASO SAND TAKES VACATION TO MINNESOTA AND ELOPES WITH SNOW – In quirky weather news, the massive storm that created the high winds and dust storms in the Paso Del Norte region earlier this week hit with such force that the desert sand was carried all the way to Minnesota and Canada.  The same system also created spring snow storms up north that had a special surprise in each flake.  It appears that the precipitation fell as ‘dirty snow’ with flakes embedded with desert sand.  So now there are little pieces of El Paso randomly scattered across Minnesota and the Great White North.  Weather is weird.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE BRAVOS DE JUAREZ WON’T BE PROMOTED TO THE BIG LEAGUES THIS SEASON.  BUT THE COPA MX WOULD MAKE A NICE CONSOLATION – Kudos to the Bravos for defeating a storied UNAM futball club in the Copa MX semifinal this week and setting up a historic championship meeting with the douchetastic Aguilas de America next Wednesday in Juarez.  And making things even sweeter for the team was the fact that local player Omar Antonio Panuco was one of the players to score for the Bravos in the game.   For those that aren’t too familiar with the Mexican futball league, Club America is the Mexican equivalent of the Dallas Cowboys, New England Patriots or the Los Angeles Lakers – only much more insufferable.  So it would be very, VERY cool if the Bravos kicked their ass.  Good luck, Bravos, on your unlikely championship run in the Copa MX.  (diario.mx)

WHEN COCA-COLA ATTACKS!  I TOLD EVERYONE THAT HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP LACED DRINKS WERE HARMFUL, BUT NO ONE WOULD LISTEN – A large spill in the Coca-Cola bottling plant on the Eastside has led to a slow moving Coca-Cola sludge tsunami that has overrun most of Cook Road in the Lower Valley and closed off the neighborhood to through-traffic.  The police managed to stop the flow of the spill by pouring dirt on it, but now the company will have to go in and clean it up.  So until then, the road will remain closed.  The local media covered this story for hours and even managed to record a harrowing bird rescue after a small bird got stuck in the sludge and had to be rescued by a random city employee with a bottle of water.  The entire ordeal had the makings of a major Hollywood movie.  So just to make things clear, the “CRISIS ON THE BORDER OF DOOM” is so severe and important that El Paso-area media spent hours covering the rescue of a bird from a Coca-Cola spill.  (cbs4local.com)

IF ONLY THE PLAZA DE LOS LAGARTOS HAD PUBLIC RESTROOMS, THEN THEY WOULD HAVE NAMED IT THE GREATEST PUBLIC SPACE IN HISTORY! – Downtown’s historic Plaza De Los Lagartos has been named a Great Public Space by the Texas Chapter of the American Planning Association.  The Plaza will now get a plaque and/or certificate and will get the satisfaction of a job well done.  That’ll do Plaza, that’ll do.  Imagine all the awards it will get when they build the public restrooms?  I wouldn’t doubt if it gets at least 3 Oscars and 2 Emmys!  According to random idiot citizens and city employees, park restrooms are important – if not the most important thing plaguing the city.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOKS LIKE LIBYA IS ABOUT TO HAVE ANOTHER CIVIL WAR.  AT LEAST IT’S NOT A FLAMING CLUSTERFUCK LIKE SYRIA, SO LIBYA HAS SOMETHING TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT – Libya is on the brink of another civil war as Eastern leader Khalifa Haftar has ordered his Libyan National Army group to march on Tripoli to take control of the country from the U.N. backed government.  Judging by past history, Libya should have been broken up into 3 or more countries in order to keep the factions that really don’t like each other from trying to gain dominance in the vacuum left when Gaddafi was “removed from power” in 2011.  But instead of taking this opportunity to create separate nations for people that had no interest in being friends and that had a long history of animosity; the global powers decided that this kumbaya façade of a united Libya was worth maintaining for some unknown reason.  And now we have a general from the east that cleaned up his own part of the country and is now looking to take Tripoli over frustrations of the west’s control over the entire country.  Once more, small countries that can make their own decisions are better than giant Frankenstein countries that are dominated by one region.  (bbc.com)

IT’S BEEN RAINING FOR WEEKS IN IRAN AND IT’S STILL RAINING – Over 40 people have died these past few weeks as heavy rains have contributed to massive flooding in large swaths of Iran.  Evacuations have now been ordered in the southwest part of the country as the flooding is expected to grow in this region.  To add to the calamity, sanctions have severely limited the amount of rescue supplies that Iran has on hand and absurd levels of deforestation in the past few decades have increased the frequency of floods of this type.  As a reminder, it’s never a good idea to cut down half of your forests for industry and agriculture and then do absolutely nothing to replant and restore the lost ecosystem.  (bbc.com)

JEFF BEZOS BASICALLY JUST WASTED $35 BILLION ON PUSSY.  I’M STARTING TO THINK THAT JEFF BEZOS’ WEALTH MIGHT BE MORE A FUNCTION OF LUCK THAN ACTUAL DECISION MAKING SKILLS AND BUSINESS ACUMEN – The divorce between Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie has just been finalized and she will be keeping a 4% stake in the company worth upwards of $35 billion.  Though Jeff Bezos will still keep voting rights on those shares and sole ownership of his other businesses, most people would agree that he overpaid for his side-pussy – which is allegedly now his permanent-pussy.  Lauren Sanchez has a style that I like to call the “retired El Paso stripper look” and, if this is what Jeff Bezos likes, half the strippers in El Paso look like younger versions of her.  Jeff Bezos should have just told me this was his type and I would have taken him down to Dreams Cabaret; it would have been slightly cheaper than $35 billion.  For that price, Lauren Sanchez’ vagina better be covered in gold, make pancakes for breakfast every day and come with its own juice bar.  (deadline.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOKS LIKE THE STATE OF TEXAS IS THROWING EL PASO A TRAMWAY-SHAPED BONE – The State of Texas has voted to give out money as part of the House Appropriations Acts and the El Paso region got some of its major projects funded as a result.  The biggest funding news comes in the form of $15 million that will be used to repair the Wyler Aerial Tramway and $20 million that will be used to kickstart the new dental school at the school of medicine.  Some other statewide programs will also get major funding and those will benefit the Paso Del Norte region as more money becomes available for teachers and other members of the community.  Looks like our local elected officials did a good job in Austin this session.  (cbs4local.com)

THE SNOW IS MELTING IN COLORADO AND WITH THAT COMES HOPE THAT THERE WILL BE MORE WATER IN THE RIO GRANDE – The annual snow melt in Colorado and New Mexico is very important to replenishing the waters of the Rio Grande and thus very, very important in me not getting dehydrated.  In addition to praying for snow and rain along the Rio Grande, El Paso Water has many tools and sources available to make sure that everyone in the city has access to clean water.  EPWater wrote a great guest column on El Paso Herald Post detailing the annual melting snow’s importance as well as highlighting the diversified sources that EPWater has at its disposal.  So if you are interested in where your water comes from, go check out EPWater’s guest column.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

WE’RE VERY CLOSE TO HAVING A BATMAN MIDDLE SCHOOL IN EL PASO.  NORTHEAST, PLEASE DON’T SCREW THIS UP – EPISD is building a new middle school in Northeast El Paso and they are asking the community for name suggestions.  This year is Batman’s 80^th birthday and I can think of no better way of honoring him than by naming the new Northeast middle school in his honor.  Sure, EPISD will close down the school in 3 years because of declining enrollment figures, but the important thing is that Batman gets a school named after him.  So please do your part and submit a nomination for Batman as the namesake of the new school.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

YUP, THEY STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY WANT TO DO WITH BREXIT – It’s been years in the making, but the British government still can’t figure out how (or if) it wants to leave the EU.  Even after multiple suggestions and votes in parliament, there has not been one plan to get a majority vote.  More votes are coming but it seems like a No Deal Brexit is the most likely scenario unless they take the action back to the people and ask them to either approve the garbage plan that they currently have, leave the EU with no deal or just remain in the EU.  After all the lies and promises of magical unicorns if Britain left the EU, the voters can now see what their options are and should be able to make an educated decision.  Stay tuned for next week, when they ask for another deadline extension and keep on voting for proposals that just barely miss hitting the majority needed for approval.  (bbc.com)

BRUNEI IS A PRETTY FUCKED UP PLACE.  AND IT TOOK AN ANGRY GEORGE CLOONEY BOYCOTT LETTER FOR THE WORLD’S MAJOR MEDIA OUTLETS TO FINALLY POINT OUT THAT BRUNEI IS PRETTY FUCKED UP AND BORDERLINE BARBARIC IN ITS TREATMENT OF THE GAY COMMUNITY – Brunei has announced that it will expand it’s crazy version of sharia law by extending the death penalty to people found guilty of engaging in gay sex or committing adultery.  Even if you don’t agree with someone’s lifestyle, stoning someone to death for something they do in private is amazingly horrible.  The outrage over these absurd laws has grown and George Clooney’s proposed hotel boycott is just the first step in trying to bring some attention to this situation.  Although Brunei is tiny and practically insignificant, it has a ton of natural resources and is thus very wealthy.  The boycott of hotels owned by Brunei’s shady investment schemes probably won’t do much to their coffers, but it’s the right thing to do and is a good way for good people to show that they will not be complicit in crazy medieval actions by backwater nations.  (deadline.com)

FOR THOSE THAT DIDN’T KNOW, THE ALLIANCE OF AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS A NEW LEAGUE THAT JUST STARTED THIS YEAR.  IT’S QUITE POSSIBLE THE LEAGUE WILL BE DEAD BY NEXT WEEK, SO ENJOY THE AAF MAGIC WHILE YOU CAN – The AAF is a spring football league that is looking at becoming a sort of feeder league for the NFL.  The league is burning through cash a little too fast and now the owners are begging the NFL to put them in the fold or they will cease operations.  It’s worth pointing out that the owners of the AAF consist of a fine collection of incompetent dreamers and extremely sketchy businessmen that only promise large sums of money and then give you pennies on the dollar.  The moral of the story is NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH SKETCHY PEOPLE WITH SKETCHY MONEY WHO ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A CON.(profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

PONIES!  PONIES!  PONIES!  2019 – It’s that time of year again.  Time for the Sunland Derby!  The race, which is one of the most important sporting events in the region, will be taking place on Sunday, March 24.  This is the 16^th time the event has been run and it has only grown in importance over the years.  The favorite in this race is Mucho Gusto but there are also some local favorites in the running.  The winner is practically guaranteed a start in the Kentucky Derby, so this race is very important in the racing world.  So be sure to tip your hat to the ponies and cheer on your favorites at the Sunland Derby this Sunday.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

FOR THOSE THAT DON’T LIKE PONIES:  POPPIES!  POPPIES!  POPPIES! – The El Paso Museum Of Archaeology will be hosting their annual Poppies Festival this Saturday and it is an excellent companion to the Sunland Derby or just a great weekend attraction if ponies aren’t your thing.  The festival has been held every year for over a decade now and this year’s fest should have more wild poppies on the Franklin Mountains due to the wetter weather we had this Winter.  So be sure to check out Poppies Fest this weekend at the base of the Franklin Mountains next to the Archaeology Museum.  It’s like a Kermes, but with wildflowers instead of Jesus!  (ktsm.com)

RETABLOMANIA AT THE EL PASO MUSEUM OF ART! – The El Paso Museum Of Art has the second largest collection of retablos (tri-paneled, Mexican religious triptych paintings) in the United States and one of the largest collections in the world.  To show off its impressive collection, the museum has created the Joy and Suffering:  EPMA’s Collection Of Mexican Retablos exhibition that will run through May 5.  This is a chance for the public to see many of the great retablos that the museum has in its collection and to encourage a larger appreciation of triptych and polyptych art – which are essentially sequential art and proto comic books.  The exhibition will also feature other religious works from the same time-period as well as various lectures and seminars throughout its run.  So go check out the EPMA’s retablos, they are triptychtastic!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

CYCLONE IDAI SORT OF CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.  IT WAS SO UNEXPECTED THAT MAJOR MEDIA OUTLETS DIDN’T START REPORTING ON IT UNTIL DAYS AFTER THE CYCLONE HIT – In a pretty rare occurrence, Cyclone Idai formed in the waters between Mozambique and Madagascar, looped around a bit and then hit Beira, Mozambique with the same force as a major hurricane.  There was very little news on the build up to the storm and, even though it hit last Thursday, the full devastation was not broadcast to the rest of the world until a few days later.  In addition, to the strong winds, the storm dumped a ton of water on Mozambique and neighboring countries and it is believed that the death toll will reach into the thousands when all is said and done.  Beira is still cut off from aid and the situation there might get worse considering that the storm came just before harvest season and most of their food is practically gone.  It’s really popular to blame global climate change for every natural disaster, but storms this severe don’t normally strike this part of Africa and it’s a good bet that stuff like this will become the norm in the coming decades.  Be safe, Mozambique.  (npr.org)

BREXIT IS STILL A SHITSHOW, AND NOW THE SHITSHOW HAS BEEN EXTENDED FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS – After parliament twice rejected Prime Minister Theresa May’s horrible Brexit deal, it looks like she will now have more time to take the same exact deal back to parliament in an attempt to ram it through.  The Brexit deadline was originally March 29^th, but the EU has given the UK a few more weeks to try and pass the horrible final deal or just give up entirely and start the clusterfuck of a no deal Brexit.  The UK still wants to have their cake and eat it too – complete with magical borders around Northern Ireland – but at this point even the most deluded Brexiteer can see that the UK has no leverage and it’s either a shitty deal or no deal at all.  Both plans are horrible and another referendum is the best bet for everyone, but never underestimate the resolve of ignorant, racist, jingoist fuckwads.  (bbc.com)

FROM PCP SUBSTITUTE TO ANESTHETIC TO ANTI-DEPRESSANT, KETAMINE CAN DO IT ALL – Ketamine-derived medications for depression have gone under intense testing the past few years after decades of research and now the FDA has finally started to approve the drug for severe depression.  Originally developed as an anesthetic due to its relative safety and ease of use, Ketamine has risen over the years as one of the most important drugs in the world.  The drug is even found on the World Health Organization’s List Of Essential Medicines and is one of the most common drugs used in developing nations.  Although studies and research are still being conducted on Ketamine and its new found uses; all signs point to Ketamine being a major game changer when it comes to depression and other psychological ailments.  Who knows, maybe this will lead to LSD finally getting a fair shake when it comes to treating psychological problems.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE WORST KEPT SECRET IN THE HISTORY OF EL PASO IS FINALLY OUT.  BETO O’ROURKE IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ……. OR IS HE? – In news that surprised practically no one, Beto O’Rourke has officially announced that he is running for President and will be seeking the nomination from the Democratic Party.  After months of building up hype, he kicked off his campaign by visiting small towns in Iowa and there is no doubt that he is committed to the campaign.  After Beto’s close loss to Ted Cruz in the Texas Senate campaign, his stock has only been rising and he is now one of the front-runners in the election.  Whatever happens, we still love you Beto.  You put Paso Del Norte in a positive light and always stood up when someone said negative things about the city.  Good luck, Beto O’Rourke.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

EL PASO LOST A J.C. PENNEY IN DOWNTOWN, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE GAINING AN IMPROVED BUILDING IN THE FUTURE – The loss of the J.C. Penney store in Downtown El Paso was a big economic loss for the area, but with that loss came the hope that an even bigger economic gain might be gained in the future.  That hope appears to have been rewarded as the new owners of the building – M.J.C.P. L.L.C. – look to be pushing forward with their impressive plans to fully renovate the building into an amazing mixed-use project.  The Downtown Management District has just awarded a $25,000 grant to the owners of the building as part of its Commercial Façade Improvement Grant program and this is just the latest piece of the puzzle for this ambitious project that looks to restore the building to its original glory.  Having an economic driver like J.C. Penney was nice for the area, but having that ugly concrete tomb façade that they built around the building removed and replacing it with the original look of the building will be even greater for the area.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

IT’S JUST LIKE BATTLEBOTS, BUT WITHOUT THE SPARKS AND COOL DESTRUCTION – Congratulations to the Horizon High School Robotics team for winning the state championship at the Vex State Robotics Tournament and for earning a place at the world championships that will take place in Louisville in late April.  Kudos, Horizon High Robot Wranglers.  Your reward for doing good is a trip to Louisville!  Hey, that’s not Disneyland.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

RIGHT WING NUT JOBS STRIKE AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A HORRIBLE TERRORIST ATTACK IN NEW ZEALAND.  BUT ACCORDING TO THOSE IN POWER IT’S ONLY TERRORISM WHEN PEOPLE WHO AREN’T WHITE DO IT – Tragedy struck in New Zealand when an idiot, incel, right wing, chan-user decided to take out all his frustrations and racist aggression on innocent Muslims worshiping in two Mosques in Christchurch.  As a result, 49 people were killed and many more were injured in what is the worst terrorist attack in New Zealand’s history.  What made this even more disturbing was that the cunt who did this posted about it on 8chan before starting and even sent a link to the Facebook livestream that he was running while on his terrorist attack.  Add to that the fact that tech companies were unable to stop the spread of the footage after the fact on multiple platforms and you have a situation that lays bare many of the problems that society faces today.  But honestly, fuck this guy and all the other racist fucks on the internet and the people in power who still coddle all these sick fucks by refusing to call it a terrorist attack.  We’re living in really fucked up times.  (bbc.com)

RICH PEOPLE CAN BUY THEMSELVES INTO ELITE COLLEGES?  I’M SHOCKED!  NEXT THING YOUR GOING TO TELL ME THAT RICH AND CONNECTED PEOPLE CAN TRADE MONEY AND FAVORS TO GET GOOD JOBS AND HIGH RANKING GOVERNMENT POSITIONS – A large-scale college “fraud” scheme has been unearthed by government investigators and almost 50 people have been charged in the scheme.  The kingpin of this operation was Rick Singer who used his California-based “college prep” business to help rich and famous people – including actresses Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman – get their unqualified children into any college they desired.  Some of the “services” offered by Singer involved funneling bribes to college administrators in addition to helping students cheat on SAT exams.  Although many people are clutching their pearls over this, it’s pretty common knowledge that getting into a good school, getting a good job and getting the best breaks in life are made much easier by how much money you have and how many connected people you know.  Though most people call it “networking”, that’s pretty much a code word for kissing ass and getting a buddy to get you into a good job or hook you up with important clients without any merit.  Did you honestly think America was a meritocracy or something fair like that?  (reuters.com)

OTTERS ARE SOME OF THE MOST ADORABLE CREATURES IN THE WORLD.  AND NOW THEY ARE THE MOST ADORABLE CREATURES TO LEAVE AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL RECORD! – A new study in Scientific Reports suggests that otters and their use of stone tools can leave an archaeological record that is distinct from humans.  Most of the evidence comes from otters and their use of rocks to pry open clams and other shelled sea creatures in order to eat their yummy meat.  When otter use the stones they leave distinct markings on the rocks and also reveal a unique breakage pattern in shells.  Using what has been observed in otter stone tools, scientists can determine where old otter colonies lived and also help distinguish if humans or otters were the ones leaving these clues in the fossil record.  I only wish otters knew how to write so that we could have adorable otter-hieroglyphs scattered around the world.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE EL PASO LOCOMOTIVE FUTBALL CLUB OFFICIALLY STARTS PLAYING THIS WEEK, SO PLAN ACCORDINGLY.  I STILL THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THEY CALLED THEMSELVES LOKOMOTIV EL PASO – After years of planning and work, the El Paso Locomotive will finally take the field for their first official game this Saturday.  The Locomotive will play against the Oklahoma Energy at the El Paso Chihuahua’s City Hall Field in a game that is officially sold out.  Hopefully this is a harbinger of more exciting things to come and a future football stadium down the line in downtown.  Although not an MLS team, division 2 is still pretty good and we salute MountainStar for bringing another top notch sports team to the region.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

ALL HAIL CASSANDRO!  ONE OF PASO DEL NORTE’S MOST  UNDERRATED LEGENDS – El Paso and Juarez have produced many great wrestlers, but Cassandro is the most flamboyant of them all.  Saul Armendariz was born and raised here and also developed the Cassandro persona while training to become a pro wrestler in the storied gyms of Juarez.  In addition to being a great professional wrestler, Cassandro was one of the first openly gay mainstream wrestlers to reach the top of his field.  If that wasn’t enough, Cassandro’s fascinating and fabulous life is now the subject of a documentary by French filmmaker Marie Losier.  Cassandro, The Exotico is the title of the documentary and it will have a premiere next Friday, March 15, at the Westside Alamo Drafthouse complete with an appearance by Cassandro himself.  So don’t miss out on the chance to meet a local legend and witness the magic of Cassandro first hand.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

FAREWELL TO THE MURALS AT LINCOLN PARK BENEATH THE SPAGHETTI BOWL.  AT LEAST THEY MANAGED TO SAVE SOME OF THEM – The planned I-10/Spaghetti Bowl/Border Highway/Chamizal Border Crossing connector project is about to begin construction and some of the artwork in the area will have to be demolished in the name of progress.  Over 50 murals are currently painted on the multiple support columns that raise the spaghetti bowl over Lincoln Park, but due to the new construction 15 of those columns and corresponding murals will have to be torn down.  There was some back and forth over what would be torn down in the area to complete this project, but thankfully activists worked with txdot to spare the Lincoln Community Center and to leave a couple of the columns as canvases for the existing murals.  Normally txdot is a bit belligerent on these things, so it was nice to see that they worked with people in the area to save as many of the murals and buildings as possible.  For a full list of the murals that will be lost, make sure to visit the El Paso Inc. website for one of the best summaries of all that will be lost by this necessary project.  (elplasoinc.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

NOW VENEZUELA HAS NATIONWIDE BLACKOUTS!  ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, NOW THE PEOPLE CAN’T SEE MADURO BEING INCOMPETENT AND GUAIDO BEING PROPPED UP BY THE CIA – As of yesterday, massive blackouts have been hitting all of Venezuela after issues were reported at the country’s hydroelectric power stations.  This should only add to all the drama in Venezuela as Maduro is slowly crushed by the vice of covert CIA actions and American intervention.  At this point it’s pretty obvious that “external forces” are the ones causing a clusterfuck at the power stations as well as all the other recent actions that have led to Guaido’s rise to power.  Guaido studied at CIA University (aka George Washington University) for God’s sake.  Maduro is a giant piece of trash that deserves to be tossed on his ass, but let’s not be blind to what’s happening here.  So tune in next week when we see what the CIA “doesn’t” do to create even more chaos in Venezuela.  (bbc.com)

ALGERIA’S PRESIDENT IS PRACTICALLY IN A COMA AND HE’S STILL GOING TO RUN FOR ANOTHER TERM AND WILL PROBABLY WIN.  ALGERIANS ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT VERY HAPPY – Algerians are protesting around the country as they have become fed up with President Abdelaziz Bouteflika and his eternal claim to the presidency.  He has been in power for 20 years but since having a stroke in 2013 has rarely gone out in public and is currently in Switzerland receiving treatment.  For the most part, Algerians put up with President Bouteflika.  But now he’s practically a puppet and the people have become fed up and are gathering in the streets to denounce this blatant disregard for the democratic process.  But even after all of this, it’s still possible that the president wins another term in office!  It’s like Weekend At Bernie’s but with more protests, corruption and bloodshed.  (bbc.com)

US AIR FORCE SECRETARY HEATHER WILSON HAS RESIGNED HER HIGH RANKING POSITION FOR A JOB AT ……. UTEP? – It’s just been announced that the person replacing Diana Natalicio as President at UTEP will be none other than Heather Wilson.  Wilson was a high ranking official at the Pentagon and was in the running to be the next Defense Secretary, but apparently the Trump administration is such a shitshow that working at UTEP is preferable to having one of the highest ranking positions in the U.S. military.  Good luck to Heather Wilson and let’s hope she realizes that she is now going to work for an institution that produced multiple employees of Simple Minded Entertainment.  (reuters.com)