Simple Minded Entertainment 2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

CHALK THE BLOCK IS BACK IN DOWNTOWN EL PASO.  HOW MANY OBSCENE CHALK DRAWINGS WILL BE DRAWN THIS WEEKEND? – If you’re a fan of chalk and chalk-related activities, then this weekend was made especially for you.  The Chalk The Block art festival returns to Downtown El Paso this weekend and it will be “chalk” full of chalky goodness including live music, art installations, chalk art and opportunities to create your own chalk drawings all over Downtown El Paso.  My regards to anyone who draws a picture of Mayor Dee Margo bending over for Donald Trump anywhere within the festival grounds.  Bonus points if you write “Dee Margo Sucks Chalk” and draw a giant penis next to his face.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

FOR THOSE THAT DON’T LIKE CHALK, THERE’S ALSO A BENEFIT SHOW HOSTED BY JIM WARD GOING ON IN DOWNTOWN.  BUT IF YOU’RE REALLY COOL YOU’LL GO TO BOTH EVENTS – The 2^nd Annual El Paso Forever Concert will take place on Saturday and will feature Cold War Kids, Emily Davis And The Murder Police and Sleepspent.  The event will take place around the Union Plaza area and most proceeds will go to local charities.  The event is put together by local legend Jim Ward in association with the El Paso Community Foundation and focuses on giving as much money from ticket sales as possible to charity.  So go support great music and local projects at the El Paso Forever Concert.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

RON STALLWORTH HAS JUST BEEN NAMED THE SUN BOWL THANKSGIVING PARADE GRAND MARSHALL.  KUDOS! – The annual Sun Bowl Thanksgiving parade will honor Ron Stallworth as he leads the parade for this year’s edition.  Ron Stallworth has been having a great year as BlacKKKlansman, the movie based on his book and exploits going undercover in the KKK, won multiple awards including an Oscar.  The theme for this year’s parade is “Bobbleheads On Parade” but the poster sort of makes it seem like an unauthorized Funko Pop parade theme.  So check out the Thanksgiving Parade in just over a month.  How time flies.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

I GUESS SUPER POWERFUL SPINNY STORMS ARE GOING TO BE THE NEW NORMAL AROUND THE WORLD – In a season that has given us record breaking storms in the Atlantic and the South Pacific, Typhoon Hagibis (a cousin to hurricanes and cyclones) has just struck the Tokyo area as one of the largest storms to hit that part of the world in decades.  Japan is an advanced and stable country, so the storm should not have as crippling an effect as major storms in other parts of the world.  Though the storm has disrupted and canceled some games in the Japan-hosted Rugby World Cup, that’s much better than thousands of dead and cities sent back decades in development.  Take care, Japan.  But if you can survive earthquakes and tsunamis, you can survive typhoons.  (reuters.com)

LOS ANGELES IS BURNING!  THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR BUT WE’RE STILL GOING TO ACT SHOCKED – The north part of the Los Angeles area is currently experiencing a massive wild fire and Sylmar and the rest of the northern San Fernando Valley are on high alert.  The fire has already destroyed dozens of structures and has shut down multiple roads in the area causing a traffic nightmare that has a ripple effect on most of the city.  It should be noted that Los Angeles is so massive that most of the city barely notices that a massive natural disaster is taking place aside from the traffic issues and – let’s face it – most of the people in Los Angeles barely know that Sylmar exists and wouldn’t be able to find it on a map.  But if the fire takes out a major cocaine stash house, you can rest assured that the city will notice.  (ktla.com)

IT’S NOBEL PRIZE TIME!  THEY’RE LIKE THE TONY AWARDS ONLY WITH EVEN LESS PRESS COVERAGE AND VIEWERS – It’s Nobel Prize season and the super smart committee of Nordic smarties are getting together and handing out their awards.  This year’s winners run the gamut from people that worked on lithium-ion batteries to someone who helped end the conflict between Ethiopia and Eritrea.  But most of the prizes went to discoveries that are really hard to explain in a few smart ass sentences.  So if you really love science, go to the official Nobel Prize site and do your best trying to make sense out of all these important discoveries.  (nobelprize.org)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

LOOP 375 IS FINALLY “COMPLETE”.  THIS BEING A TXDOT PROJECT, IT WON’T ACTUALLY BE A LOOP AROUND EL PASO BUT A SERIES OF INCOMPETENTLY DESIGNED ON AND OFF RAMPS THAT SORT OF RESEMBLE A LOOP – The Border West Expressway is finally open and people on the Westside finally have another path to get to the other side of town besides I-10 and Mesa.  The project was decades in the making and completes the final piece of Loop 375 – connecting the Racetrack Drive area with Downtown El Paso.  Though if you want to get technical, there still is no controlled access highway that runs from the Racetrack drive area to Transmountain.  The road will be a toll road but it is currently free, so ride it all you want while you can.  It’s good to see projects like this finally be completed, though since txdot is involved it will probably become a giant mass of on ramps and exits that make no sense and just increase traffic in the area.  But hey, at least we have a “finished” Loop in El Paso.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

SUNLAND PARK MALL IS NOT DEAD.  IT’S GRAVELY WOUNDED, BUT IT’S NOT DEAD YET – After seeing multiple anchor stores leave or simply disappear, Sunland Park Mall appears to be showing some signs of life.  Road construction in the area is coming to a close, so more people should return in the coming months.  In addition, mall management is aggressively pursuing new tenants with over 15 new stores, restaurants and businesses opening in the last few months or planning to open in the coming months.  So give Sunland Park Mall another try and let’s try to prevent the area from becoming the site of a bloated whale carcass of a shopping center.  (cbs4local.com)

RIDE THE TROLLEY AND HELP THE EL PASO STRONG CAMPAIGN!  THAT’S A GOOD TROLLEY! – The El Paso Strong Ride offer will be extended through the end of October to encourage more donations to the El Paso Strong campaign.  Fares for the trolley will continue to be waived for the remainder of the month with people encouraged to donate instead to the El Paso Strong campaign that is working on creating a memorial to honor the victims of the August 3 terrorist attack at Wal-Mart.  You’re a scholar and a saint, El Paso Streetcar System.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

PEOPLE ARE NOW GETTING SHOT WITH LIVE AMMUNITION IN THE HONG KONG PROTESTS.  THINGS ARE DEFINITELY GETTING WORSE.  AND IN OTHER NEWS, HAPPY 70^TH ANNIVERSARY CHINESE REPUBLIC UNDER COMMUNIST RULE! – October 1^st was the 70^th anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of China and communist rule in the country.  Naturally, people in Beijing and Hong Kong celebrated differently – with Beijing opting for parades and Hong Kong opting for riots.  The protests in Hong Kong keep on getting more violent and now the government is banning face masks and using live rounds in more cases.  We’ve said it before, but something’s got to give by 2047.  The ‘One Country, Two Systems’ philosophy is imploding on itself and it probably won’t work for a few more decades.  (bbc.com)

SPEAKING OF RIOTS WITH LIVE AMMUNITION, IRAQ IS IN THE MIDST OF MASSIVE PROTESTS – Over 20 people have died around Iraq as a result of large protests and riots against the government and its apparent incompetence.  Unlike Hong Kong, the people here aren’t asking for more autonomy or independence – but they might as well just ask for independence at this point.  Iraq is ‘one system, three countries’ and as soon as the Shia, Sunni and Kurds get their own lands we might actually have something resembling peace and prosperity in the region.  Only foolish pride is holding the “country” together and maybe they should all just admit that smaller countries here make more sense and are more efficient.  (bbc.com)

TURNS OUT PLANET NINE/NIBIRU/PLANET X MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A MINI BLACK HOLE.  SURE, WHY NOT? – The existence of a massive planet outside the orbit of Pluto has been debated for years.  The weirdo orbit of Trans-Neptunian Objects on the outer reaches of the Solar System has led many to hypothesize that a massive planet is altering their orbit.  But new research has led some scientists to hypothesize that a primordial black hole about the size of a softball is what is causing the observed manipulation of the TNOs.  Although small, the black hole is still very strong and one hopes that it doesn’t decide to visit Earth anytime soon.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

GO SUPPORT LOCAL MUSIC.  AND I’M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT KHALID – The El Paso International Music Foundation is sponsoring “Locals Week” again this year and it promises to showcase even more local musicians.  The event is spread out over multiple venues and multiple days and includes many free events.  The event is finishing up this weekend, so be sure to go to your nearest music-centric bar and jam out to some talented El Paso-area artists.  The bands, venues and schedules are too numerous to list.  So just check out the neat little write up on El Paso Herald Post for more details.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

THE EL PASO MUSEUM OF ART HAS FINALLY FINISHED ITS RENOVATION PROJECT AND THE NEW AND IMPROVED MUSEUM IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.  I WONDER IF THEY FINALLY CREATED A SPACE FOR MURALS AND PRISON ART FEATURING SAD CLOWNS AND OLD ENGLISH LETTERING – This Friday, the El Paso Museum Of Art will be holding the grand opening for the newly renovated second floor of the museum.  This renovation is a few years in the making and was part of the museum’s Refresh Project that also saw the renovation of the museum’s Kress collection.  The renovation promises to make the museum more accessible for patrons as well as allowing more of the museum’s collection to be shown to the public.  As long as they have paintings of pretty naked girls, I support all the city’s arts and culture expenditures.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

GOOD SHOW, DONA ANA COUNTY PUBLIC TRANSIT!  THERE’S GOING TO BE A BUS LINE THAT CONNECTS HATCH AND OTHER COMMUNITIES TO LAS CRUCES!  MEANWHILE IN EL PASO, SOCORRO HAS NEGATIVE BUS STOPS AND EL PASO HAS ANTI-CONNECTIVITY WITH NEARBY CITIES LIKE HORIZON – Dona Ana County’s South Central Regional Transit will be adding the ‘Green Line’ that will connect locations such as Hatch, Salem, La Placitas, Rincon, Radium Springs, Doña Ana, Doña Ana Community College, Mountain View Hospital and Memorial Hospital.  The planned service is decades in the making and will give much needed regional connectivity to the growing communities north of Las Cruces.  Public transit is a very good use of a community’s limited resources and it’s good to see that the Mesilla Valley is taking the lead in the region’s public transit needs.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

 FORCING PEOPLE TO LIVE “HAPPILY” UNDER A COMMON FLAG AND GOVERNMENT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA.  IT RARELY WORKS.  AND WHEN IT DOES, IT WORKS BADLY – Once upon a time, the vast of majority of Africa was divided up by idiot European powers for the sole purpose of exploiting the people and natural resources.  No care was given to existing cultural and tribal divisions and the borders were drawn haphazardly by people who were equal parts greedy and stupid.  When African “nations” gained independence, they kept the exact same borders and even expanded upon them because the new people in power liked the greedy part of the European drawn borders.  One of the victims of this clusterfuck was Cameroon which combined different peoples that eventually led to French-speaking and English-speaking parts of the country.  This linguistic conflict runs deeper than simply language and a good portion of the country has suffered because of the greedy powers-that-be that want as much territory as they can get their hands on.  The government will be holding a “national dialogue” on September 30 to try and solve this crisis, but when the leaders of Cameroon are a borderline dictatorship – it’s very hard to get anything meaningful done.  And on top of all that, very few of the separatists will be involved in the talks.  It’s good to see that they’re at least acknowledging the problem.  But the world has a long way to go before the issue of Frankenstein countries finally gets fixed.  (africanews.com)

A MILLION PEOPLE ON MARS IN A HUNDRED YEARS.  SOUNDS GREAT, LET’S START NOW – A paper in the journal New Space showcases a plan to sustain a population of one million Martian colonists using only locally-sourced foods.  The plan would take about one hundred years, but eventually a large Martian population would not have to depend on imported food from Earth.  The plan focuses on plant-based, insect-based and lab grown foods that could be efficiently grown on Mars.  In addition, these sustainable food options could be used on Earth and on space-based colonies to make more efficient use of limited resources.  I vote for fungus.  We can eat them AND use them as a construction material.  Everybody wins!  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

SADLY, THIS IS HOW THE REST OF THE WORLD LOOKS AT DONALD TRUMP AND AMERICA.  HELL, EVERYONE IN AMERICA THAT ISN’T A FASCIST BOOTLICKER LOOKS AT IDIOT TRUMP THE SAME WAY – Activist Greta Thunberg gave a stirring speech at this week’s UN climate summit and Donald Trump just waddled around the whole place as everyone stared at him like he was some sort of imbecile.  But the look that Greta Thunberg gave him was a great metaphor for the disdain every sane person in the world has for this moron.  Donald Trump did a lot of stupid shit this week (when doesn’t he do stupid shit?) and is well on his way to an impeachment hearing because of it.  But the perfect visual for Donald Trump’s week – and entire life – is the disgusted look on Greta Thunberg’s face.  We all feel that way, Greta.  We all feel that way.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

DRIVING 100 MPH ON A CITY STREET IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT DOING IT WHILE DRUNK AND THEN CAUSING A DEADLY ACCIDENT JUST MAKES YOU A CRIMINAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER – Joel Garcia is the cunt that decided to drive his car over 100 mph, while drunk, and ran a red light that caused an accident that claimed the lives of 3 people.  He was recently found guilty of 3 counts of intoxication manslaughter and now awaits the sentencing for his crimes.  The max sentence that can be given to him is 20 years and here’s hoping that they throw the book at him and give him 20 years for each of the three victims – served consecutively so he never sees the light of day.  He was a repeat drunk driver who decided to get drunk and drive again and obviously never learned his lesson.  But the worst part is that he was driving 100 MPH ON A FUCKING NORMAL CITY STREET WITH TRAFFIC LIGHTS!  His genius lawyer said he wasn’t drunk, but that only makes his crime even worse.  That would mean he NEGLIGENTLY DROVE HIS CAR OVER 100 MPH ON A REGULAR STREET WHILE SOBER!  AND THEN RAN A RED LIGHT!  Fuck this guy!  They should give him life in prison and start charging speeders that break the law by a substantial amount with the same level of punishment as drunk drivers.  Drunk driving is bad, but driving your car at irresponsible speeds is much worse.  (cbs4local.com)

LET’S ALL GO WATCH RHINOS PLAY WITH THEMSELVES!  HMMMM, THAT SORT OF CAME OUT WRONG.  LET’S JUST GO WATCH THEM PLAY A HOCKEY SCRIMMAGE – The El Paso Rhinos are back and the reigning back to back Thorne Cup Champions will start the new season with a free inter-squad scrimmage today.  The team is consistently the most successful sports team in El Paso and the surrounding region and we should all give them a hand.  So go support your Rhinos as they get ready to start another hockey season.  Here’s to more championships!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LA UNION CORN MAZE IS BACK!  THE MAGICAL TIME WHERE DRUNK COLLEGE STUDENTS AND YOUNG CHILDREN SHOW THE SAME MENTAL APTITUDE BY GETTING LOST IN AN OVERSIZED MAZE – Autumn is slowly creeping into the region and La Union Corn Maze has returned as a harbinger for the changing season.  The corn maze will open this Saturday and will stay open until a few days after Halloween on November 3.  This year’s maze design celebrates the 50^th anniversary of Western Tech, but I still think my idea of Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Michael Myers Vs. Godzilla would have been a better maze design.  The maze is aimed for families but everyone can enjoy it.  Let’s face it, teens and college students have been known to get drunk before going to the maze and playing games up to and including ‘grab ass’.  So it’s fun for the whole family!  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THE WORLD HAS A NEW BOOGEY MAN AND THAT BOOGEY MAN IS E-CIGARETTES AND VAPING. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! – In the past few months there have been 530 cases of what many believe to be a vaping-linked lung disease, with 8 of those cases resulting in death.  Preexisting conditions and illegal modifications of e-cigarettes are believed to be a cause in many of those illnesses, but that hasn’t stopped hysteria from taking over among those in power who want to earn points for upcoming elections.  Alcohol, semi-automatic firearms and high fructose corn syrup are responsible for thousands of illnesses and deaths every month, but we can’t focus on real issues because big, bad e-cigarettes are roaming the halls of all the world’s schools looking to addict and rape all the children.  Imagine if an e-cigarette rapes a middle school student and gives her lung disease and gets her pregnant?  The ensuing abortion/drug/health insurance debate would cause cranial explosions in most conservatives.  Please, think of the children – but only if they’re white and affluent.  (reuters.com)

HAPPY 80^TH ANNIVERSARY, BATMAN – September 21 is Batman Day and we here at Simple Minded Entertainment will be celebrating by wearing our Batman undies all weekend long.  Even though the September date seems a bit arbitrary and is not really tied to any Batman-centric event, we will follow DC’s lead and treat this like his actual birthday (yes, we are aware Batman is fictional and does not have an actual birthday).  The holiday will be a world-wide event featuring pop-up shops, themed events, book releases and the Bat-signal shining in cities throughout the world.  Viva Batman!  (newsweek.com)

A CONFLICT IS BREWING IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHERE THE CIA AND AMERICAN ASSETS ARE NOT (WINK, WINK) SERVING AS AGITATORS.  WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS BEFORE? – Last weekend’s attack on Saudi oil production facilities “miraculously” had minimal casualties and the damage was not as significant as previously thought.  It couldn’t have gone better even if it was planned by outside forces to escalate a war in the region (wink, wink).  The Houthi rebels in Yemen claimed responsibility for the attack, but they pretty much take credit for everything that bites Saudi Arabia in the ass so they might not be 100% reliable.  The Saudis and Americans claim Iran did it and Iran blames America and the Saudis.  No one here is 100% reliable here and the addition of Donald Trump and friends to the equation adds a steaming pile of bullshit to the existing shit show.  On the home front, it seems like Donald Trump might have been trying to extort Ukraine to attack Joe Biden – so it seems like there is a shit show everywhere this week.  Maybe if Iran makes up bullshit conspiracy theories about Joe Biden and all of Donald Trump’s political enemies, they can sell the information to Donald Trump and get all sanctions removed.  Maybe this is how we finally get peace in the Middle East!  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

SMART BUS IS BACK!  AND THIS TIME HE’S TAKING OVER ALAMEDA AND DYER! – After years of cockteasing, Sun Metro will finally launch the Brio smart bus rapid transit network on Alameda and Dyer this month.  The first Brio service launched on North Mesa a few years ago and now Alameda and Dyer will get improved service, speed and free wi-fi on the new dedicated routes along the major streets.  Montana was supposedly the next Brio project after this, but with construction coming up on the street I wouldn’t be surprised if Montwood became the new candidate to receive the Brio smart bust treatment.  It’s not rail transportation, but smart bus is no joke.  Smart bus is smart, dammit.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

RIVER OAKS WILL BUILD ONE MEELEEON BEELEEON SHOPPING CENTERS IN EL PASO WITHIN THE NEXT FEW YEARS.  BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING EL PASO NEEDS MORE OF, IT IS MINI MALLS – In exciting news for fans of strip malls, River Oaks Properties has announced that they will build 11 new shopping centers in the region.  The construction projects will be built in 2019 and 2020 and will add 500,000 square feet of shopping space – mainly around Far East and Northwest El Paso.  When asked for a comment, a spokesperson for River Oaks simply started yelling, “SHOPPING CENTERS!  SHOPPING CENTERS!  SHOPPING CENTERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

HEY KIDS, HERE’S ANOTHER CHANCE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE INTERNET WHEN THEY ASK YOU TO NAME SOMETHING.  FEEL FREE TO MAKE UP THE DUMBEST NAME YOU CAN THINK OF – El Paso Animal Services has a new giant dog mascot and they want you to name it.  Although the online voting only lets you choose between Franklin, Sunny and Wilson; who says you can’t submit an anonymous email and ask them to name it something else.  Feel free to submit a stupid name, kids.  Don’t let the man stop your dreams.  I suggest the names ‘Rabies The Dog’, ‘Poochie The Dog’, ‘Chico The Chihuahua 3000’ or ‘Dee Margo Is An Incompetent Mayor The Dog’.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

I DON’T KNOW WHAT GOD OR GODS THE BAHAMAS PISSED OFF.  BUT I DON’T EVER WANT TO PISS OFF THOSE CELESTIAL FUCKERS – Almost two weeks after Hurricane Dorian devastated parts of the Bahamas, over one thousand people are still missing and another tropical storm is expected to hit the area over the weekend.  Though the new storm isn’t as strong as the monstrous Hurricane Dorian, a new storm passing by so soon is like rubbing salt on the wound.  Take care, Bahamas.  (reuters.com)

HONG KONG HAS A NEW UNOFFICIAL NATIONAL ANTHEM NOW.  THIS WILL PROBABLY NOT END WELL – Although people are saying that the protests in Hong Kong are ‘pro-democracy rallies’, the obvious truth is that these are pro-independence rallies in an extremely volatile part of the world.  At this point, Hong Kong would gladly welcome a communist regime or ultra religious caliphate if it meant that they would gain independence from China.  This week saw the most powerful symbolic gestures yet in the protests as the people of Hong Kong booed the Chinese national anthem during Hong Kong’s World Cup qualifying match and also started singing a new Hong Kong anthem – “Glory To Hong Kong” – in flash mobs throughout the territory.  To a country like China that gets extremely butt-hurt over symbolic things like flags and national anthems, this new action by Hong Kong is perhaps the most startling.  Who knows how this is going to end, but it’s not going to be pretty.  The ‘one country, two systems’ policy looks dead in the water and either China comes in and invades the entire thing or Hong Kong does the impossible and manages to become an independent state.  The countdown to 2047 continues.  (bbc.com)

LOOKS LIKE EDDIE MONEY HAS USED ONE OF HIS TICKETS.  REST IN PEACE, EDDIE MONEY – In sad news in the world of rock music, Eddie Money has passed away at the age of 70.  He had an amazing career that included massive hits in the ‘70s and ‘80s.  He was a musical icon and continued to rock and appear on TV until the day he died.  Among his hits are the songs “Two Tickets to Paradise”, “Take Me Home Tonight”, “Walk on Water” and “Baby Hold On”.  The man is gone, but his music will live on and will always pop up whenever someone does anything involving the ‘80s.  It’s federal law that you must include an Eddie Money song if you ever do a movie or TV show set in the ‘80s.  Keep on rocking up there, Eddie Money.  (deadline.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S LOOKING LIKE VISTA HILLS COUNTRY CLUB WILL NOT BE SAVED.  WE’LL BE LUCKY IF THEY MANAGE TO SALVAGE A MINI-GOLF COURSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INEVITABLE MINI MALL THAT SPROUTS UP AT THE LOCATION – The financial clusterfuck that is Vista Hills Country Club keeps sputtering along with no resolution in site.  Plans and possible offers have popped up according to many news outlets, but the current ownership group somehow feels like they have leverage and is holding back for a magical super deal that will never be offered.  The bills keep piling up and Vista Hills Country Club and the surrounding homes are on the verge of becoming a dilapidated weed garden.  Let’s just get this over with and turn the thing into a public park and golf course like Ascarate – the local government already spends tons of money on pointless projects, might as well do something useful with our tax dollars.  (cbs4local.com)

AND SO ENDS THE HUNT FOR THE MONTWOOD EMBEZZLING BANDIT – Former Montwood High School booster club treasurer Stacey Telles turned herself over to the police after a warrant was issued for her arrest in the alleged embezzlement of around $50,000 from the Montwood booster club.  It was initially believed she was on the run, but even the famous Montwood Bandit knew she was no match for the El Paso Police Department   Stealing is wrong, but stealing from a bunch of high school students is severely fucked up and the only thing that would have been worse were if the band were made up of terminally ill and mentally handicapped kids.  But maybe that’s the next goal for the Montwood Bandit.  Perhaps the most surprising thing was that a high school band booster club had $50,000 to steal.  I know parents waste tons of money on random things like high school football, but who knew parents wasted that much money on high school band as well.  Never live your life through your kids, you’ll just end up spending more money than is logically reasonable on pointless shit.  (cbs4local.com)

HOORAY!  IT’S DOGGIE SWIMMING DAY! – You know it’s the end of the summer when they allow pet owners to bring their dogs in for a final swim before they drain the pools.  This weekend will be El Paso’s Doggie Swimming Weekend and dog owners are encouraged to bring their doggos for a cool day at the pool.  Owners will be charged $2 per dog and must have shot records for all the participating pets.  I’m not sure if you can go if you don’t have a dog.  But as long as you don’t tell anyone, no one will judge you for being the guy that doesn’t have a pet and just goes to look at other people’s dogs.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

HURRICANE DORIAN BASICALLY ANNIHILATED THE BAHAMAS AND JUST MISSED FLORIDA BY A HAIR.  AS MIAMI’S MOTTO STATES:  IT’S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN COMPETENT – Hurricane Dorian continues its North America tour this weekend as the hurricane now finds itself barreling toward Canada(!) and the Nova Scotia area.  Though the hurricane is now severely weakened, that was not the case when the storm hit the Bahamas as a category 5 storm and then just stayed over the islands for what seemed like days.  The devastation in the Abacos Islands and Grand Bahama is staggering and the death toll of 43 is expected to rise drastically as the full extent of the damage comes into view.  Florida was extremely lucky to avoid this storm and one can only imagine the catastrophe that would have unfolded if good luck and/or divine intervention hadn’t intervened.  Hell, even Lucifer probably had a hand in steering this thing away from Miami.  (reuters.com)

BREXIT IS STILL A DISASTER – Britain’s parliament has just passed laws that force Prime Minister Boris Johnson to ask the EU for a delay in Brexit if no deal is reached by October 31.  This was done to prevent a no deal Brexit and to stop Boris Johnson from exercising dictator-like powers and forcing the UK out of the EU without any plan.  It’s still possible that Boris Johnson does something stupid and ignores the law to get his precious no-deal Brexit.  But that would be an unprecedented act and even Boris Johnson isn’t as stupid and oblivious as Donald Trump … we hope.  So yeah, the Brexit debate is going to continue for a little longer.  Maybe they should let the people vote all over again and let them choose from the options on the table.  (bbc.com)

MOVE OVER, GONORRHEA.  THERE’S A NEW BATCH OF HORRIFYING SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS LURKING ABOUT – When it comes to Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), most people know about the basics like syphilis and chlamydia.  But there are over 30 documented STIs and they all cause a  fair bit of damage.  Acording to doctors, it seems like 4 of the lesser known infections are becoming more common and more dangerous due to antibiotic resistance.  The 4 infections that are causing worry are Mycoplasma genitalium, Neisseria meningitidis, Shigella Flexneri and Lymphogranuloma venereum.  They are all pretty bad and you can read up more on this nightmare fuel over at Discover Magazine.  Yet even with all this crazy shit stumbling about, people still have unprotected sex.  It’s almost as if humans just want to die.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

I GUESS SOCORRO HIGH SCHOOL WASN’T HISTORIC ENOUGH.  A NEW SOCORRO HIGH SCHOOL WILL BE BUILT AS THE OLD BUILDING IS GRADUALLY TOSSED TO THE DUSTBIN OF HISTORY.  BUT THAT IS THE PRICE OF PROGRESS – It’s been brewing for awhile, but the planned overhaul of Socorro High School is well underway now.  Recent community meetings have revealed designs and timelines for the massive $135 million project and it’s looking like it is full speed ahead for the destruction/re-construction of Socorro High.  The building has been around for decades; but many buildings made of cinder block, drywall and plywood just don’t pass the test to attain significantly historic status.  It’s sad to see an old building go, but the future looks bright thanks to this new project in Socorro.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

IF THE MEASLES DOESN’T GET YOU, THE WEST NILE VIRUS WILL – 3 new cases of the West Nile Virus have popped up in El Paso this week, raising the total to 13 this year.  The virus is spread by mosquitoes, so be extra careful with the annoying little bastards as the summer comes to an end.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

IT’S TIME FOR EL PASO HEMPFEST 2019 FEATURING CBD!  IT’S NOT LEGALIZED MARIJUANA, BUT WE’RE GETTING THERE – Buena Vida Wellness will be holding the 1^st Annual Hemp And CBD Wellness Fair this Saturday at Sunland Park Mall.  It will be a professional and responsible showcase for the community to get familiar with hemp and CBD products.  The more people become aware of these products the easier it will be to progress to a full legalization of Marijuana and the abolishment of these arcane anti-drug laws.  Taking things slowly and maturely is probably the best way to attain legalization.  Though I still think the Simple Minded Legalize Pot And Fuck the Hypocrite Moralistic Drunk “Conservatives” Festival and Revolt 2019 has potential.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IF YOU THOUGHT BREXIT COULDN’T BECOME AN EVEN BIGGER CLUSTERFUCK, HOW WRONG YOU WERE – Boris Johnson, the new Prime Minister of the UK, has decided that he wants to collapse the British economy in the most spectacular way possible by accelerating towards a no-deal Brexit.  The prime minister has called for a suspension of Parliament in September and October, a move that will only allow lawmakers a few weeks to prevent a no-deal Brexit.  Boris Johnson’s plan – apparently – is to try to negotiate a new deal with the EU with absolutely no leverage and by showing off his crazy hair and poor planning skills.  So yeah, the UK is really fucked.  The best solution is to go back to voters with a choice of either ‘No Brexit’, ‘No-Deal Brexit’ and ‘Brexit with the shitty ass deal that was the best that the UK could get from the EU’.  This new referendum would cut through all the pie-in-the-sky bullshit that was promised in the original Brexit vote and give voters the cold hard truth of what to expect.  (bbc.com)

PEOPLE ARE BORN THIS WAY, BUT IT’S A LITTLE MORE COMPLEX THAN JUST ONE BIOLOGICAL FACTOR CONTROLLING EVERYTHING – A large research study has just been completed on the relationship of genetics and homosexuality.  The study was led by Harvard researchers and has just been published in the journal Science.  The main findings of the study show that multiple genes may be involved in homosexual behavior in humans.  The study got data from hundreds of thousands of people in DNA databases along with an associated sexual experience questionnaire.  In all, the study found five variants in the genome that had a big impact on sexuality.  Though not all were present in people that exhibited homosexual behavior, it seems that many of the variations were present in these situations.  Human sexuality – it turns out – is very complex and sexual preference doesn’t just come down to one gene or one single environmental factor.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

HEY, KIDS!  NOW’S YOUR CHANCE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN INTERNET CONTEST AND GIVE A NASA ROVER A STUPID NAME.  CHOOSE SOMETHING LIKE ROVERY MCROVERFACE, ONLY MORE STUPID IF POSSIBLE – NASA is holding the Mars 2020 Name The Rover Essay Contest for students across the country to write an essay about a rover and give it a name.  The winner gets to watch the launch of the mission that includes the rover and – more importantly – gets to give the rover a name.  Although this appears to be a juried contest and will not involve an internet poll, there is still a chance to give the rover a stupid name.  So any kids out there, be sure to write an essay about a rover that likes to party and get drunk and give it a cool name like King Beer Memorial Rover 3000.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

WE WERE THIS CLOSE TO HAVING A COUNT CHOCULA BOWL – It was announced this week that Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes will be the new sponsor for the Sun Bowl and the full name for the beloved bowl game will be the Tony The Tiger Sun Bowl.  Kellogg’s has also committed to work with the Sun Bowl to help out in youth sports programs.  This is a pretty good sponsorship deal for the Sun Bowl with Frosted Flakes and Tony The Tiger being moderately football-related.  So, unlike most bowls, this deal makes sense.  Everyone knows the sugar content in Frosted Flakes makes for the perfect jet fuel for young athletes and Tony The Tiger is practically a college football mascot looking for a university.  All in all, this is a much better idea than the original plan to rename the game as the Tony Montana Cocaine Bowl in honor of Scarface.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

MONTE IS NOW THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DOG ACTOR IN THE HISTORY OF LAS CRUCES.  HELL, HE’S MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN MOST ACTORS WILL EVER HOPE TO BE – Kudos to Monte the dog for landing the role of a lifetime as Tramp in the Disney+ remake of Lady And The Tramp.  Although he was adopted from HALO Animal Rescue in Arizona, Monte was originally from Las Cruces.  Monte is a 2-year old terrier mix and looks exactly like the beloved Tramp character from the movie.  Make us proud, Monte.  (cbs4local.com)

THE UTEP BOOZE FESTIVAL, AKA MINERPALOOZA, TAKES PLACE NEXT WEEKEND; SO YOU HAVE ONE WEEK TO BUILD UP YOUR ALCOHOL TOLERANCE – A new school year is starting at UTEP and that means football season, tailgating and shameless binge drinking are not that far behind.  To honor the occasion, UTEP is holding its annual Minerpalooza celebration on Friday, August 30 right next to the Sun Bowl.  The festival will include live music, games, food and booze!  And if that isn’t enough, the Cincinnati party district is like 10 feet away with hot girls in thongs serving up even more booze!  Let’s celebrate binge drinki……… I mean, let’s celebrate UTEP and all their academic accomplishments.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THE AMAZON RAINFOREST IS ON FIRE.  LOOKS LIKE MAKING A RIGHT-WING MORON AS LEADER WASN’T SUCH A GOOD DEAL FOR THE ENVIRONMENT – The Amazon rainforest is burning in multiple locations with a size and intensity not seen in more than a decade.  It’s probably not fair to blame this entirely on the idiot Jair Bolsonaro and the morons who voted for him.  But his lax attitude toward the environment and his relaxation of deforestation and industrial regulations have certainly taken Brazil back to the turn of the century – and not in a good way.   After pressure from Europe, Bolsonaro is now sending the military to fight the fires because his “ultra capitalist” government doesn’t even have a sufficient environmental and fire management department.  And we won’t even get started on the fact that a Frankenstein country like Brazil is not equipped to handle problems that occur thousands of miles away from the capital and the major cities.  Heaven forbid Frankenstein countries like Brazil be broken up into more efficient rationally-sized nations.  This would never have happened if Amazonland was its own country with Manaus as the capital.  (bbc.com)

MUD BACTERIA ISN’T THE HERO WE WANTED, BUT IT IS THE ONE WE NEED – Dimethyl Sulfide (DMS) is a chemical that helps reflect sunlight and create clouds and, in turn, helps cool the Earth.  Thus, it is considered a “good guy” gas because it can help neutralize or reverse the accelerated, man-made heating of the Earth that will eventually fuck us all up.  Researchers, led by scientists at the University of East Anglia, have recently discovered that bacteria in sea mud produce a ton of the helpful DMS gas and much more than open water organisms.  How this can help in the fight against climate change is yet to be seen, but it’s good to see that some organisms on Earth are actually trying to help the environment.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

SO IS THE PLAN TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN BY CRASHING THE ECONOMY AND STARTING A RECESSION?  MAYBE THE PLAN IS TO FUCK UP SO BADLY THAT DEMOCRATS TAKE OVER ALL THE BRANCHES OF THE GOVERNMENT IN THE NEXT ELECTION AND FIX EVERYTHING FOR DONALD TRUMP! – Donald Trump knows jack shit about economics and business and is only using tariffs because that’s one of the few things he can do without congressional approval (checks and balances apparently isn’t that great in the American government).  Naturally, this has had devastating consequences and now the economy is on the verge of a recession because an idiot overgrown toddler likes throwing tantrums in the White House.  Make no mistake, the economy is in an amazingly shitty position and it’s basically being propped up by the American consumer and their endless supply of stupidity and credit cards.  And don’t be fooled by any “magical” economic reports that the government puts out; if the Trump administration can fuck around with environmental reports and the justice department, they can fuck around with economic data.  On a good day, most financial reports are filled with more bullshit than a rodeo.  There’s no limit to the amount of bullshit that can be generated by sycophants and right wing bootlickers.  But hell, maybe if we put even more tariffs on other countries we’ll finally get the opposite effect of what’s already happened thousands of times before.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

AFTER TWO WEEKS OF ANGUISH, EL PASO REMAINS UNITED AND STRONG – The Paso Del Norte region is still reeling from the terrorist attack on August 3 that was carried out by a radicalized right-wing extremist, but the region has responded by being stronger and more united than ever.  We ask that everyone remember the victims of this heinous attack and contribute in any way possible to make sure their families and the survivors have all the support they need to overcome this tragedy.  Various fundraisers and support events have already been held and 2 separate benefit concerts headlined by El Paso natives Khalid and Vikki Carr are coming up in a few weeks.  We shall overcome.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

VIRGIN GALACTIC HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED TO THE LAS CRUCES AREA AND IS MAKING SPACEPORT AMERICA ITS HOME.  I WAS BEGINNING TO WORRY THAT VIRGIN GALACTIC FORGOT ALL ABOUT US – In great news for southern New Mexico and the Mesilla Valley, Virgin Galactic has finally opened up its main office inside of Spaceport America.  While official flights are yet to begin, Virgin Galactic recently unveiled their new interior launch and control space inside the Spaceport to local media and it looks very sleek and modern.  In addition, the company hinted that test flights would finish up soon and the spacecraft would soon start making commercial trips from New Mexico in the near future.  This is very good news for Las Cruces, Truth Or Consequences and the surrounding region.  (cbs4local.com)

THE XII TRAVELERS STATUE PROJECT IS STILL GOING STRONG AND HAS FINALLY REACHED MONUMENT #4 AFTER A FEW DECADES.  WE’LL GET TO MONUMENT #12 BY 2100 COME HELL OR HIGH WATER – The XII Travelers of the Southwest will be unveiling the model for the Benito Juarez statue (monument #4) next Thursday at the Chamizal National Memorial.  The XII Travelers project was started by a group led by John Houser and has already created the Fray Garcia De San Francisco statue at Pioneer Plaza, the Don Juan De Onate equestrian statue at the airport and the Susan Shelby Magoffin statue at Keystone Heritage Park.  John House is sadly no longer with us, but the work on the project continues with help from his son.  The new monument is titled Benito Juarez – Child To Man and will more than likely be placed at the Chamizal National Memorial when it is completed.  Let’s support the XII Travelers and get all these statues done.  By the time they reach monument #12 it will be a statue dedicated to Mr. Mouse and Simple Minded Entertainment and our role in fighting the Great Alien Invasion Of 2099.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

INDIA’S STUPID, RIGHT WING ANSWER TO DONALD TRUMP IS NARENDRA MODI.  AND JUST LIKE HIS IDIOTIC AMERICAN COUNTERPART, HE DOES STUPID ASS SHIT UNDER THE GUISE OF “NATIONALISM” THAT ENDS BADLY.  CASE IN POINT:  KASHMIR – Because Kashmir wasn’t enough of a powder keg already, Narendra Modi’s recent decision to strip “Indian Kashmir” of its autonomy has brought more unrest to the region with no real benefit to be found.  If anything, he did it in order to rile up his idiot nationalistic base (Donald Trump would be impressed) and made a situation worse in order to make a minority group look bad and evil.  So now the world focuses once again on Kashmir and the possibility that this might escalate in to an even bigger pissing match with Pakistan.  Though Pakistan at the moment should be commended for not escalating things and doing something equally stupid as India.  It says a lot when Pakistan is the voice of reason in a conflict.  Modi did the impossible and made Pakistan look rational.  Yes, that Pakistan.  (bbc.com)

HONG KONG IS STILL RIOTING.  THEY HAVE UNTIL 2047 TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY WANT TO DO, BUT IT SEEMS THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE WORLD TO KEEP HONG KONG FROM BEING SWALLOWED BY CHINA – Student protests have been raging in Hong Kong for weeks now and although many people call these “pro democracy” protests, these are more like “what the hell are we going to do when 2047 rolls around and the one-country, two system agreement ends” anxiety protests.  The full reunification of Hong Kong with China seems inevitable and protests like these will become the norm unless Hong Kong can work out an indefinite agreement or somehow gain its independence.  The virtual death of Hong Kong’s once mighty film and TV industry at the hands of the China behemoth was just the beginning of what appears to be the dissolution of Hong Kong’s identity and culture; and there seems to be very little that can be done to stop it.  Keep up the good fight, Hong Kong.  You still have a few decades to work something out.  (bbc.com)

REST IN PEACE, PETER FONDA.  YOU CAN NOW RIDE YOUR MOTORCYCLE IN HEAVEN LIKE A TRUE BAD ASS – Peter Fonda passed away this week at the age of 79 at his home in Los Angeles.  He had a lengthy career that spanned movies of all genres, but he will best be remembered for his role in Easy Rider and for being one of the last great Hollywood mavericks of the ‘60s and ‘70s.  He was a great actor and we should all watch a Peter Fonda movie marathon this weekend in his honor.  (deadline.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE AND WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

EL PASO HAS SUFFERED A TERRORIST ATTACK, BUT EL PASO WILL EMERGE FROM THIS STRONGER THAN EVER – The only story we will cover this week will be the heinous white supremacist terrorist attack at the Cielo Vista Wal-Mart from last Saturday that claimed the lives of 22 people and injured countless more.  We will not focus on the cowardly, racist terrorist from the edge of Redneckistan – just outside of Dallas – that was radicalized by the teachings of Donald Trump and will not give him the benefit of mentioning his name.  Instead we hope everyone will remember the people who lost their lives and all the heroes who helped out that day and those who continue to help the region during this very dark moment.  Paso Del Norte will not buckle because of this and instead stands tall and spits in the face of racism, fascism and radicalized right wing terrorists along with their figurehead Osama bin Trump.  Stay strong, El Paso.  God bless us all.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)