Simple Minded Entertainment 2018

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

MAYBE ONE DAY THEY’LL TURN VIVA! EL PASO INTO A LAS VEGAS-STYLE SHOWGIRL REVUE.  THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! – Viva! El Paso is back for the summer and this year will be the 42^nd season for El Paso’s favorite musical production.  The show has music by Jim Ward and also features the work of Tony award winners and other highly experienced creative professionals.  The show runs most of the summer at 8 PM on Fridays & Saturdays and takes place in the amazing outdoor theatre at McKelligon Canyon.  So be sure to include Viva! El Paso on your “to do” list this summer.  It doesn’t feature any topless showgirls, but it’s still a great musical.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

ALTHOUGH THE LICON DAIRY PETTING ZOO HASN’T FULLY RECOVERED SINCE THE DOG ATTACK, NEW THINGS ARE HAPPENING AT THE DAIRY – The Licon Dairy has a new restaurant/bar called the Outlaw Saloon and as long as they serve their fresh Asadero cheese, it should be a delicious place to get a bite to eat.  The new restaurant is right next to the petting zoo and just behind the retail store where they sell their world famous cheeses.  Although the petting zoo isn’t back 100%, it has reopened along with the new restaurant and upcoming outdoor patio.  So if you ever find yourself in San Elizario, now you can get Asaderos AND booze in one place.  Viva San Elizario!  (cbs4local.com)

IN A DRAMATIC HEEL TURN, SIN CARA WILL CHALLENGE THE EL PASO STREETCAR TO A FIGHT THEN HIT IT WITH A CHAIR – Amazing news for pro wrestling and lucha libre fans as later this month the El Paso Museum of History will kick off its planned lucha libre exhibit with a special appearance by local legend, Sin Cara.  On June 27, the wrestling superstar will take part in a ride along with guests on the Downtown El Paso streetcar and then be the guest of honor at a reception and pop-up exhibit at the museum.  This is just the first part of a much larger lucha libre exhibit that will go up at the El Paso Museum of History and we can’t wait until it opens.  I hope one of the streetcars wears a wrestling outfit in honor of the occasion.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

EBOLA HAS NOW SPREAD FROM DR CONGO TO UGANDA.  AND THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING WORSE IN CENTRAL AFRICA – Bad news came from Uganda this week when it was discovered that two people had died from the virus (and many more were infected) after a family returned from DR Congo where they were taking care of Ebola-infected relatives.  The 50-year-old woman and her 5-year-old grandson are the first fatalities from Ebola in Uganda as a result of the epidemic that started in Congo.  While it’s not too shocking to hear the news that the Ebola virus has spread from the Democratic Republic of Congo to Uganda, it’s still very disturbing to hear that such a deadly disease has yet to be contained in this very chaotic environment.  If there is any silver lining, it’s that Uganda doesn’t have any civil wars going on and the country is much more stable than DR Congo.  This could still get very bad for Uganda and the rest of the world, but so far the authorities in Uganda have followed all recommendations and procedures advised by the international medical community.  Meanwhile in eastern DR Congo, over 1,400 people have died from the Ebola outbreak and there really is no end in sight.  (bbc.com)

HONG KONG REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO BE A PART OF CHINA – Protests have spread across Hong Kong as citizens are angry over a proposed extradition law with China and surrounding territories.  On paper, the law is not too harsh and would only allow for extraditions for severe crimes and would first have to be approved by Hong Kong authorities before the extradition goes through.  However, most people see this is an attempt by China to gain more power in Hong Kong’s autonomous judicial system and many people are adamant about keeping their sovereignty and will fight any attempt by China to gain ground in Hong Kong.  Whatever happens, conflicts like these will only increase in frequency as 2047 approaches and the end of the “1 country, 2 systems” compromise comes to an end.  Either China fully recognizes Hong Kong’s permanent autonomy or Hong Kong gives in and becomes “just another city in China”; a permanent solution must be reached by 2047 or things will get very messy in this part of the world.  (bbc.com)

TURNS OUT ZEBRA STRIPES MAKE THEM LOOK COOL AND KEEP THEM COOL AT THE SAME TIME – Science has yet to figure out why exactly zebras have stripes and what specific evolutionary advantage they give them, but we do have some new theories out there.  In addition to the prevailing theory that the stripes help ward off insects, some new research has shown that the stripe pattern might create mini air flows around the zebra that act like personal air conditioning for them.  New research from Alison and Stephen Cobb in the Journal Of Natural History has revealed that there are visible temperature differences caused in and around the animal by the stripe patterns.  In addition, the temperature differences can also be seen between the dark and white bands on the animal that create a sort of micro-climate with small airflow around the animal.  Although the main stripe theories involve insect repelling, temperature control, camouflage or a little of everything; my scientific analysis leads me to believe that zebras have stripes because it makes them look cool and helps them get babes.  Never underestimate the evolutionary power of snazzy stripes.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

GOOD NEWS FOR FANS OF BIG, FACELESS CORPORATIONS OWNING IMPORTANT AREAS OF PUBLIC INFRASTRUCTURE.  EL PASO ELECTRIC HAS JUST BEEN BOUGHT UP BY ONE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED BIG, FACELESS CORPORATIONS – In major news that will have an impact on practically everyone in the region, it was announced this week that El Paso Electric will be purchased by Infrastructure Investments Fund (IIF).  The deal is expected to be completed by early next year and is worth between $2 billion and $5 billion according to different sources.  Although they are promising that the headquarters will remain in El Paso and that no local jobs or rates will be impacted by the move, it’s safe to say that there will be some big changes in store for El Paso Electric and all its customers.  Now we anxiously wait to see how our new J.P. Morgan backed overlords dick around with our local electricity.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

I WILL CALL THE NEW JUAREZ DIVISION 1 FUTBALL CLUB THE BUAPOS – After years of waiting, it appears that Juarez will once again get another team in the top flight of Mexico’s futball league system.  Although nothing is official yet, many media outlets are reporting that an announcement will be made on Monday regarding the purchase of the financially shaky – yet top flight – Lobos BUAP futball club by the ownership group of the Bravos de Juarez.  Once confirmed and approved, the currently 2^nd tier Bravos de Juarez would take over for Lobos and become a Liga MX team via a simple name change.  The process will probably go both ways and the Lobos BUAP futball club would return to the 2^nd division where it will hopefully stop losing money for its owners.  It’s a win-win for everyone!  (diario.mx)

WHEN THE ZOMIBE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS, STAY AWAY FROM THE MEDICAL SCHOOL.  THAT’S WHERE THEY HAVE THE BRAIN BANK AND IS THE FIRST PLACE THE ZOMBIES WILL GO – Kudos to the Robert E. and Evelyn McKee Foundation for donating money again to the Southwest Brain Bank at Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center El Paso.  And thanks to this generous donation, this week I learned that there is a brain bank at the local medical school that has brain tissue samples used for research purposes.  This is very cool but also very creepy and makes me wonder if smaller organizations use brain credit unions instead of brain banks for their research.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

SUDAN HAS JUST BEEN SUSPENDED FROM THE AFRICAN UNION AFTER WEEKS OF PROTESTS HAVE LED TO COUNTLESS CIVILIAN DEATHS.  SUDAN MUST HAVE REALLY FUCKED UP, BECAUSE THE LIST OF COUNTRIES IN THE AFRICAN UNION HAS SOME PRETTY CORRUPT AND AUTHORITARIAN NAMES ON IT – The protests in Sudanese capital Khartoum and the rest of Sudan against military rule reached a tipping point this week as dozens of civilians died in clashes with government forces.  The government crackdown of the relatively peaceful protests has drawn condemnation from around the world and has resulted in the African Union suspending Sudan until civilian rule is restored and the military relinquishes the power it gained after the collapse of Omar al-Bashir’s dictatorship.  So even though the Sudanese people managed to remove one dictator from power, it seems like the military is just angling to set up another authoritarian regime in its place.  After hope filled the country a few months back, things are starting to look pretty bad for Sudan.  (bbc.com)

NEW ORLEANS WON’T BE AS ROCKING WITHOUT DR. JOHN AROUND – In sad news, Dr. John (Malcolm John Rebennack, Jr.) passed away this week at the age of 77. He was a rock and roll legend and a piano-playing genius that was the epitome of everything that made New Orleans cool.  He was best known for his hit song “Right Place Wrong Time” but also created many other albums, songs, TV themes and jingles that are known and loved by many for their infectious funky vibe and distinct vocals.  He was a great performer and his shows were flamboyant explosions of musical fireworks.  Heaven just got more funky with the arrival of Dr. John.  (deadline.com)

WILL THEY FINALLY MAKE THE PROPER E.T. VIDEO GAME THE WORLD SO DESPERATELY NEEDS? – E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) will be taking place next week as the world’s top video game makers gather in Los Angeles to reveal what they have in store for the coming year and especially the uber-busy Christmas season.  While the event isn’t as big as it used to be, it’s still one of the biggest video game events in the world and the best place to scope out what the next big thing in video games will be.  I remember when this event was the brand spanking new “be all and end all” event for video games back when I was in high school and now I feel old.  Then again, I also remember when Atari was cool so I feel ancient.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go play E.T. The Video Game and cry.  (cnet.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

CON-GRAD-ULATIONS TO ALL THE AREA YOUNG PEOPLE AS THEY ESCAPE THE JOYOUS EXISTENCE OF YOUTH TO ENTER THE NEVER-ENDING SLOG THAT IS ADULTHOOD – Summertime is here and that means that a new batch of young adults around El Paso and the surrounding region are preparing for their graduation (either from high school or college).  Congratulations to everyone who has graduated or will graduate over the next few weeks and remember to enjoy these precious times before you unknowingly slam into the monolithic slab known as being a responsible adult.  (cbs4local.com)

LAS CRUCES IS SO AWESOME THAT EVERY APARTMENT COMES WITH A FREE PIGEON.  FREE PIGEONS! – The Park Place Apartments in Las Cruces are apparently infested with pigeons, which is very hard to do because pigeons are pretty big and not the type of animal you would expect to live in an apartment.  The situation was so bad that some residents called the local CBS station and that helped in finally bringing the owners out to fix the problem.  Although if I had to choose between rat and roach infested apartments or apartments with pigeons – I would choose the pigeon apartments.  If anything, the pigeons eat the roaches and scare the rats and would make for friendly neighbors.  (cbs4local.com)

WHITE TRASH FOREIGNERS FROM REDNECKISTAN BUILD POINTLESS AND ILLEGAL WALL ALONG SHITTY BRICK COMPANY’S PROPERTY IN SUNLAND PARK.  ALTHOUGH MANY PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE FOREIGN REFUGEES FROM CENTRAL AMERICA IN EL PASO, TO THIS DAY THEY HAVE NOT CAUSED THE LEVEL OF VANDALISM THAT FOREIGNERS FROM REDNECKISTAN CREATED IN A FEW DAYS – The morons who raised money online to build a pointless wall gathered in Sunland Park last week to build a “border wall” within the property of that shitty brick company in Sunland Park.  Naturally, proper permits were not attained from the City of Sunland Park and the legality of the wall is in limbo.  To be fair, I don’t think Sunland Park has any actual building inspectors and they probably just went in with a picture of a 2 foot garden wall and tried to pull a fast one on whoever is in charge of these things in Sunland in order to get a quickie, borderline illegal permit.  Also of note, because of the weirdo border lines drawn up by idiots in Washington over the years (but especially during the compromise of 1850) the wall is actually separating New Mexico land from Texas and has minimal impact on the Mexico border.  But this is all being done for optics by the white trash from Redneckistan and isn’t even remotely about “security”.  Get your shit together, Sunland, and make them tear down this illegally built monstrosity.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

HAVE NO FEAR, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS WILL SAVE THE DAY.  WHO NEEDS RATIONAL GUN LAWS – Another day and another mass shooting has occurred in America.  This time a disgruntled ex-employee, and overall scumbag, in Virginia Beach opened fire in a municipal building with a modified handgun and a movie assassin accessory kit – killing 12 people.  Unfortunately, these things are so common now that nothing will come of it and people will forget about it the next day.  In a competent country, at least some basic gun control and mental health action would be taken after something like this.  But hey, at least politicians can send their thoughts and prayers via Twitter.  That will solve everything!  (reuters.com)

HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT CANADA IS ON FIRE?  WITH ALL THE FOCUS ON TORNADOES AND FLOODS, MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD CHECK ON CANADA – A massive string of wildfires around northern Alberta has burned a massive area of Canada and has produced enough smoke to cover a large part of North America.  The biggest of these blazes is the Chuckegg Creek Fire that is currently on a massive tear through the northern part of the country.  Although the areas in the path of these fires are sparsely populated, the ecological damage will be devastating and the health impact from the smoke will reach a far bigger area than just northern Canada.  Hopefully some of those rains will push up north and lend a hand in preventing Canada from exploding.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

DONALD TRUMP WILL BE GOING TO THE UK THIS WEEKEND.  WHICH WILL GIVE HIM TIME TO FIND MORE WAYS TO EMBARRASS THE COUNTRY AND/OR DISTRACT FROM THE IMPEACHMENT HE SO HANDILY DESERVES – It was a banner week for Donald Trump as Robert Mueller broke his silence to all but imply that Donald Trump did commit obstruction of justice and that Congress should impeach him.  Naturally, Donald Trump decided to distract from this by saying stupid things and announcing an absurd tariff on Mexico because of immigration or other stupid reasons.  At this point, toddler Trump keeps on using tariffs because that’s the only thing he can do without getting approval from Congress.  He’s like an idiot that uses the only tool on hand for every problem because he’s too stubborn or stupid to ask for help.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t sexually assault the royal family or create a Brexit tariff while he’s in England.  Lord knows he’d do it if it would distract from the impeachment.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

HOMELESSNESS IN EL PASO HAS DROPPED FROM PREVIOUS YEARS.  I GUESS ALL THE HOMELESS WENT TO LOS ANGELES OR SOMEWHERE ELSE – Various local charities and organizations did their annual “point in time” count of the city’s homeless population and have found that the number has dropped by more the 300 people since a similar “point in time” count in 2017.  Overall, the count found that at any given moment there are 183 homeless living on the streets and 626 people in shelters or transitional housing in El Paso.  These numbers are even more staggering considering that they occurred during the mild period in El Paso’s weather.  One can only imagine the number of people living on the streets substantially goes down during the Paso Del Norte region’s trademark Hot-As-Hell-Summers and Colder-Than-Lucifer’s-Teets-Winters.  But while these low numbers are a sign of improvement, more can be done to help the homeless population in El Paso and hopefully lower the numbers throughout the region.  It’s highly improbable to get to zero homelessness in a large city, but we sure can try.  Kudos to everyone involved in the local charities and organizations that are tackling this important problem.  (cbs4local.com)

TURNS OUT THERE IS AN EL PASO ANIMAL HALL OF FAME AND SUNNY THE SEA LION IS THE NEWEST INDUCTEE.  HOW COME I WASN’T TOLD OF THIS BEFORE? – One of the hidden treasures at the El Paso Zoo is the newly renovated El Paso Animal Hall of Fame sponsored by the El Paso Veterinary Medical Association.  The newest inductee will be Sunny the Sea Lion who lived at the El Paso Zoo from 1986 until his death in 2012.  Sunny brought joy to thousands of zoo visitors over the years and was the face of various awareness campaigns created by the El Paso Zoo.  He was a great ambassador for the area and he deserves to be in the El Paso Animal Hall of Fame.  You will live on forever, Sunny.  (cbs4local.com)

NEON DESERT IS BACK THIS YEAR.  NOW ALL THE GIRLS WILL PUT ON THEIR BEST BIKINI-CENTERED COSTUMES AND PARADE AROUND WHILE PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT MUSIC.  LIKEWISE, GUYS WILL PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT MUSIC WHILE STARING AT GIRLS WEARING THONGS ON THE STREET – The Neon Desert Music Festival is back this weekend and has moved a few blocks over to a new location in Downtown that won’t affect too many local businesses.  So get your best thong/outfit ready and prepare to parade around downtown while pretending you care about music.  This year they have music playing trolleys – that you can ignore while you walk around in a thong!  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

YOU TRIED YOUR BEST, THERESA MAY.  HAVE A COOKIE.  NOW BRING ON THE NEXT IDIOT TO TRY TO MAKE A BENEFICIAL BREXIT DEAL WITH NO LEVERAGE WHATSOEVER – Brexit was a pretty stupid idea and now the British people can either swallow their pride and have another referendum to determine if they should remain in the EU or proceed ahead with a no-deal Brexit that will be much more devastating to the UK than to the European Union.  Whatever path they take, the only thing that is certain is that Theresa May will no longer be the Prime Minister assigned to the fool’s errand of trying to negotiate a beneficial Brexit deal with Europe.  Even though her plan failed to get enough votes multiple times, she still kept on coming with the same exact plan in a different gift box.  So the fact that she finally realized her actions were pointless and resigned shows how hopeless the process to get a Brexit deal has become.  Let’s see who volunteers to be the next sacrificial lamb/prime minister.  (bbc.com)

MOUNT EVEREST HAS PRACTICALLY BECOME A MAINSTREAM TOURIST ATTRACTION COMPLETE WITH LONG LINES TO SCALE THE MOUNTAIN.  STILL, IT’S DANGEROUS IF YOU AREN’T EXPERIENCED AND A DEADLY ENDEAVOR FOR THOSE THAT AREN’T FULLY PREPARED – Seven people, including four in the past few days, have died while scaling Mount Everest during the current climbing season that has been plagued by a narrow climbing window due to the weather.  The situation has created gridlock on the mountain as everyone tries to climb during the periods when the weather is decent and thus large lines form as people attempt to climb and descend the peak.  So any medical emergency when you’re stuck in line is a guaranteed death sentence.  Maybe they should increase the fees to enter the climbing zone and make everyone get a medical evaluation before going up – they can keep Everest from becoming a full blown tourist trap and maybe prevent a few deaths.  (reuters.com)

BACK IN MY DAY, CATS WORKED ON THE RAIL LINES AND THE TRAINS WERE ALWAYS ON TIME AND CLEAN.  THOSE WERE THE DAYS – Kudos to the BBC for recounting the tale of Tama the cat who became the stationmaster at Kishi Station on the Kishigawa railway and helped save the line from downsizing by increasing tourism and ridership during the line’s troubled times in 2006 and 2007.  Tama has passed away, but is still highly regarded and even has a shrine that has elevated her to Goddess level in the region.  The line still has cats as stationmasters and, thanks to other tourist friendly upgrades, the Kishigawa line has survived and even increased its ridership.  So go check out the story of Tama and the cat stationmasters to motivate you to do more with your life.  If a cat can become a successful railway employee with its own shrine, there’s no excuse for everybody else.  (bbc.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CABARET STRIP CLUB IS DEAD.  REST IN PEACE, CABARET – After The Cabaret was temporarily shut down a few weeks ago, both sides agreed that practically every liquor, drug and prostitution law in the books had been violated at the Montana location and that a permanent shut down was the only option.  The Cabaret really had no choice because any lawsuit against the club by the government would probably result in damages in the billions of dollars if all the violations committed at the club were added up.  Seriously, A LOT of violations were committed at The Cab over the decades and no one apparently cared.  The Cabaret was famous for bending the law and it’s amazing that it went on for so long with minimal law enforcement action.  Rest in peace, Cabaret.  You were the trashiest of the trashy clubs and we all loved you for it.  (cbs4local.com)

EL PASO IS GETTING A NEW CALL CENTER!  BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT EL PASO NEEDS MORE OF – Teleperformance will be opening an operations center in El Paso that is expected to create over 1,000 jobs in the area.  Although this won’t really create any high paying or prestige jobs, work is work and 1,000 jobs will be good for the economy.  Needless to say, even the smallest announcement will bring out the Mayor and City Council to pat themselves on the back and claim a victory anywhere they can find it.  As an added bonus, all the strippers that lost their job at Cabaret can now go to apply at Teleperformance!  A call center job is only slightly more demeaning than stripping at The Cab.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

APPARENTLY YOU CAN MAKE A DECENT LIVING AND BECOME FAMOUS BY POSTING YOUTUBE VIDEOS.  WHICH IS THE OPPOSITE OF WRITING FOR SIMPLE MINDED ENTERTAINMENT, A CAREER WHERE YOU DON’T EARN A LIVING AND WHERE YOU AREN’T EVEN REMOTELY POPULAR – El Paso native Leslie Quezada has garnered a large following on social media and is currently a very popular YouTuber and makeup impresario.  Her YouTube channel is known as Les Do Makeup and has over 400,000 subscribers, which is a substantial amount of viewers.  I, however, would know nothing about this because I’m an old man and I only watch reruns of The Rockford Files and PBS – but I’m told that this YouTube thing is very popular.  Kudos to Leslie for finding success on YouTube and following her dreams.  She works her ass off on her passion and it doesn’t hurt that she is pretty cute.  Be sure to subscribe to her channel and help a local girl crack one million subscribers.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

NOT ONLY DID WE LOSE THE CABARET THIS WEEK; BUT WE ALSO LOST DORIS DAY, TIM CONWAY AND GRUMPY CAT.  A VERY SOMBER WEEK, INDEED – This week was peppered with many sad losses as the world said goodbye to entertainment icons Doris Day, Tim Conway and Grumpy Cat within the span of a few days.  There’s not much more that can be said except rest in peace.  I will miss Grumpy Cat most of all.  (deadline.com)

SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND THAT PROCESSED FOODS ARE LESS HEALTHY THAN NATURAL FOODS AND CAUSE HIGHER RATES OF WEIGHT GAIN.  IN UNRELATED NEWS, SCIENTISTS ARE STILL TRYING TO DETERMINE IF EATING NOTHING BUT WENDY’S BACONATORS IS UNHEALTHY.  THEY’LL HAVE TO STUDY IT FIRST TO FIND OUT – Processed foods are bad for you and are no substitute for whole, natural foods.  A study involving the National Institute of Health has reinforced the obvious belief that processed foods aren’t good for you but has found that even if the foods are low in fat, sugars and salt; they still cause you to gain more weight than if you ate a comparable amount of whole, natural food products.   Processed foods are best defined as the items at the grocery store that have a ton of ingredients including tons of preservatives and chemicals that are hard to pronounce; and ultra-processed foods are the ones that are made up of dozens of weirdo chemicals and maybe one natural food item thrown in for good measure – i.e. chips, sodas, candies, lunch meats, frozen dinners, rat poisons, etc.  So go out and eat an apple every now and then.  And not some apple flavored concoction, go out and eat a real apple.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

ALABAMA DECIDED TO STRENGTHEN ITS CASE THIS WEEK FOR BEING THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE, REDNECK SHITHOLE IN THE WORLD.  NOW CAN WE BOYCOTT ALABAMA?  Alabama continued with its hypocrite, redneck evangelical beliefs by passing a law that will virtually make abortion illegal in all cases (even when the pregnancy is a result of rape or incest!)  It’s hilarious that these fuckers claim to do this because “all life is precious”, when these are the same redneck trash that chant “build the wall” and want to shoot refugees on the border.  I guess life is not very precious if you are poor or a minority.  Fuck Alabama and fuck them for trying to control women.  If someone doesn’t want to have a child they should have the right to get an abortion. The last thing we need is more delinquents from broken homes that grow up to become criminals all because their parents didn’t want them.  And to add insult to injury, these “life is precious” cunts want to cut welfare funding for single moms and poor kids.  So not only do they want to force women to have children, but they don’t want the government to help them if they are poor and can’t afford to raise a kid.  Alabama – a land of ignorance and hypocrisy.  BOYCOTT ALABAMA!  (reuters.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

VIRGIN GALACTIC IS FINALLY MOVING IN TO SPACEPORT AMERICA NORTH OF LAS CRUCES.  AFTER MANY DELAYS, SPACEFLIGHTS WILL FINALLY LAUNCH OVER SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO!  – Virgin Galactic announced today that they will finally move their Virgin Galactic operations from California to Spaceport America.  The development of their launch craft and spacecraft is finally winding down and they are now comfortable enough to do their final tests at the Spaceport in anticipation of sending paying customers to suborbital space.  The move is expected to occur sometime in the Summer and will be a massive shot in the arm to Las Cruces’ economy and the surrounding region.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

BECAUSE WHAT THE PENDALE/I-10 AREA REALLY NEEDS IS A GIANT LIGHTED BOOT.  HEAVEN FORBID THEY BUILD SOMETHING NECESSARY THERE LIKE AN UNDERPASS TO FINALLY CONNECT NORTH AND SOUTH PENDALE UNDER THE FREEWAY – The City of El Paso will build a giant boot covered in lights near the Pendale/I-10 area as part of their Sun City Lights Project.  They should probably focus on getting txdot to get off their ass and finally create an underpass to connect the north and south sections of Pendale under I-10; but I guess the crippling traffic on Zaragoza, Lee Trevino and Loop 375 along I-10 isn’t really that bad.  But aside from that, a giant boot covered in lights would actually look pretty cool on the Eastside.  There’s no reason that Downtown and Central should have all the fun when it comes to outlandish El Paso freeway art projects.  (cbs4local.com)

IS THERE ANYTHING KHALID WON’T DO FOR THE COMMUNITY?  HE’S LIKE EL PASO’S SANTA CLAUS – Kudos to Khalid for starting the Great Khalid Foundation which will give out scholarships to students in the performing arts.  The foundation has hit the ground running by giving out three $10,000 scholarships to students in the Socorro Independent School District who are pursuing an education in the performing arts.  Hopefully the program expands to other school districts around the city and region so even more students can benefit from Khalid’s generosity.  Kudos, Khalid!  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

APPARENTLY JUAN GUAIDO’S PLAN TO TAKE CONTROL OF VENEZUELA INVOLVES WAITING UNTIL NICOLAS MADURO DIES OF OLD AGE – The CIA really knows how to pick them don’t they?  Despite the backing of most of the world and, let’s face it, brazenly obvious CIA help that stops just short of holding his hand and wiping his ass – Juan Guaido still can’t get enough support at home to lead the people in overthrowing Maduro.  In fact, dumbass Maduro has been so emboldened by the impotent Guaido rebellion that opposition figures are now being arrested and the government is cracking down on government officials that were following Guaido.  Hell, vice president of the National Assembly Edgar Zambrano was arrested along with his car – while he was still inside the car!  Obviously the car was the brains of the whole operation and was just using Guaido for his photogenic demeanor and pretty speeches.  (bbc.com)

HOORAY FOR POINTLESS SABRE-RATTLING!  DONALD TRUMP IS DEFINITELY NOT DISTRACTING US WHEN HE DOES STUPID ASS SHIT LIKE TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH IRAN.  MAYBE THIS TIME THEY’LL SHOOT DOWN TWO COMMERCIAL PLANES AND THEN PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED – Because Donald Trump is a moron, the U.S. is now trying to start a war with Iran and is moving military equipment to the area.  Saudi Arabia is naturally over the moon and can’t believe that they got someone as stupid as Donald Trump to do their dirty work for them.  Of course this is all for show and even Donald Trump is not dumb enough to actually start a war with Iran.  But what’s the worst that can happen?  It’s not like innocent civilians can die from shameless sabre-rattling in this part of the world. coughIRANAIRFLIGHT655cough  (bbc.com)

DON’T FORGET MOTHER’S DAY THIS WEEKEND.  THE EL PASO ZOO IS CELEBRATING WITH ORANGUTANS! – Be sure to give thanks to the woman who raised you this weekend and be sure to also salute all the women who have raised great human beings and have done all they can to be great moms.  The El Paso Zoo will be using the holiday to raise awareness for the Missing Orangutan Mothers (M.O.M.) campaign and will have many events to bring attention to this cause.  Many orangutans are killed in the wild because of poaching and the encroachment of palm oil farms into their habitat and many orangutans end up orphans because of this needless destruction.  So let’s remember all the moms this weekend –including the orangutan and other animal mommies.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

TAKE A SELFIE WITH COHEN STADIUM BEFORE IT’S BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS!  THAT’S A BIT MACABRE, NO? – The City of El Paso will be holding a Cohen Entertainment District information session next week where people will get to learn about the new project in Northeast El Paso while also getting a chance to say goodbye to the old stadium.  The event is scheduled for May 11 and will act as the kickoff event for the project before the stadium is torn down and construction begins sometime next Spring on the new development.  Hopefully they’ll keep a part of the stadium as a memorial or at least incorporate some of it into the new amphitheatre that’s planned for the project.  They’ll also have 25 cent hot dogs in memory of the wildly popular El Paso Diablos promotion, but sadly no 25 cent beers.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

ZOEY SPINKS IS A KINDERGARTNER AT EASTWOOD HEIGHTS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHO, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CYSTIC FIBROSIS, FIGHTS ON TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT THE DISEASE AND HELPS THE COMMUNITY IN ANY WAY SHE CAN.  IT IS HUMBLING TO SEE A KINDERGARTNER DO MORE FOR SOCIETY THAN YOUR AVERAGE ADULT – The YISD Board of Trustees has given the YISD President’s Award to Eastwood Heights student Zoey Spinks.  Although she is just a kindergartner, she has risen above her cystic fibrosis diagnosis to become a spokesperson for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of El Paso as well as spearheading a long list of community service initiatives throughout the city.  Kudos, Zoey Spinks.  You make me look like trash in comparison and make me want to do more for the community other than write smart ass comments on a delightful website.  Seriously, she makes the entire staff of Simple Minded Entertainment look like trash in comparison.  Well, trashier than normal.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

PRO – THE BORDER WEST EXPRESSWAY IS ALMOST COMPLETE; CON – TXDOT IS INVOLVED SO THE NEW ROAD CONFIGURATIONS PROMISE TO BE MASSIVE CLUSTERFUCKS – It’s almost here!  The Border West Expressway project is scheduled to be complete by the end of the summer and Loop 375 will finally be a real ‘loop’ with continuous traffic circulating around the city.  Although this will hopefully alleviate traffic, especially the choke points on I-10 near Downtown and the Westside, the expected road closures and new on/off ramp arrangements might create new traffic issues around the area.  Regardless, the massive project that cost hundreds of millions of dollars is almost complete and it promises to change transportation on the Westside and Downtown substantially – hopefully for the better.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

MEANWHILE IN THE CONGO, MORE EBOLA AND NOW MEASLES! – The death toll in the Democratic Republic of Congo due to the Ebola outbreak has now surpassed 1,000 people.  Due to continuing conflict in the northeastern portion of the country, there seems to be no end in sight to this pandemic and now the country also has to deal with an outbreak of measles.  Medical personnel find it hard to fight diseases here because the local population does not trust medical professionals and warring factions have gone so far as to attack clinics and medical professionals who are trying their best to stop the diseases.  While the chance of this disaster going global is very slim, it does appear that this will go on for a while and will eventually hit neighboring countries.  I feel bad for the person that gets Ebola AND measles AND then gets shot during the civil war.  Now that’s unlucky, even by Congo standards.  (bbc.com)

AND NOW WE GOT A MASSIVE CYCLONE HITTING INDIA’S EAST COAST.  THOSE DAMN WHIRLY STORMS ARE EVERYWHERE NOW! – Although cyclones on the Indian subcontinent are fairly common, storms as strong as Cyclone Fani are pretty rare.  The storm has already made landfall in Puri, India and is now moving in a northeasterly route.  First the major storms hit Africa and now India is getting a taste of those spinning masses of nature’s rage that go by different names depending on where you are and who you ask.  The major impact of this storm will be felt in the Orissa region of India – that has already been evacuated of over 1 million residents.  In addition, heavy rains are expected in the northeastern portion of the country and in Bangladesh – which are places not exactly known for flood prevention infrastructure.  Take care and hunker down, Orissa.  (bbc.com)

REST IN PEACE, ORIGINAL CHEWBACCA.  REST IN PEACE, PETER MAYHEW – Sadness has spread around the galaxy as Peter Mayhew, the original Chewbacca, passed away earlier this week at the age of 74.  From Wookies to Ewoks to Jar JarBinks to Jabba TheHutts; all alien species mourn the loss of the beloved Chewbacca.  Peter Mayhew stood a towering 7’3” and that was the main reason he got the role of Chewbacca starting with the original Star Wars.  But over time he made the role his own and was always there for his fans and was a permanent fixture on the convention circuit.  He had other roles, but he will always be known as Chewbacca.  Rest in peace, gentle giant of the stars.  (deadline.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

REST IN PEACE, MARK MEDOFF – One of Las Cruces’ most notable residents passed away this week and the loss leaves a very large gap in the area’s arts scene.  Mark Medoff was best known for his Tony Award winning play Children Of A Lesser God which was later turned into a movie that earned him an Academy Award nomination for screenwriting.  Mark Medoff fell in love with Las Cruces and NMSU and decided to dedicate his life to the region and to improve the art scene around him via the multiple stage and film projects he created here.  Godspeed, Mark Medoff.  (kvia.com)

AIM FOR THE STARS, SUNLAND PARK!  GOT GET THAT INTERNATIONAL PORT OF ENTRY – The City Of Sunland Park has been asking for a port of entry on the Mexico border for decades and it is commendable that they keep on chugging along with their plans.  Although various forces at different levels of the government have pushed back on the project, this would be a great development for the city and would bring in a massive economic impact to Sunland and the communities immediately south of the border.  Although the city should also be focusing on a major road to connect the community directly to the Santa Teresa port of entry, the Sunland Park International Bridge over the railroad is much more important at the moment.  Kudos to the Sunland Park government for making news for something that doesn’t involve corruption or stupidity – fingers crossed that the city government doesn’t turn this into a story about corruption AND stupidity.  (cbs4local.com)

MAYBE THEY CAN CONVERT THE COUNTRY CLUB INTO A TRENDY DOUCHEBAR.  EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TRENDY DOUCHEBARS ARE THE ONLY BUSINESSES THAT DON’T HAVE FINANCIAL PROBLEMS ON THE EASTSIDE – After decades of existence, the Vista Hills Country Club will close its doors at the end of the month due to lack of funds and plummeting membership.  The country club tried to develop some land and turn it into a residential subdivision in order to raise funds, but the neighbors bitched and complained and now they will lose the country club and will possibly lose the entire golf course to new developments when it is sold off.  Good job, pearl-clutchers!  And so we say goodbye to the Vista Hills Country Club and hope that it can at least be salvaged as a private golf course or some sort of public park.  (cbs4local.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

IN AN ACT OF SENSELESS VIOLENCE, BASTARD TERRORISTS ATTACKED HOTELS AND CHURCHES IN SRI LANKA.  SRI LANKA … OF ALL PLACES! – Who knows what strategic value Sri Lanka has to terrorist organizations, but this small country just recovering from years of conflict was ground zero for an Easter attack against the incredibly tiny population of Christians on the island.  Over 250 people lost their life in various coordinated church and hotel bombings on Easter and the authorities are scrambling to make up for their lack of action leading up to the attacks.  Stay safe, Sri Lanka.  (bbc.com)

A STRONG CYCLONE HAS STRUCK MOZAMBIQUE, CAUSING IMMENSE DAMAGE TO COASTAL COMMUNITIES.  THIS ISN’T AN OLD HEADLINE!  ANOTHER(!) MASSIVE CYCLONE HAS STRUCK MOZAMBIQUE THIS YEAR – Last time we checked on Mozambique, a few weeks ago, Cyclone Idai hit the country with the force of a major hurricane and caused intense damage and loss of life.  In an amazingly rare occurrence (that may soon become the norm with an ever chaotic climate), Cyclone Kenneth hit the country’s coast this week with the force of a category 4 hurricane.  Much like the previous disaster, it is feared that hundreds may lose their lives and thousands will lose their homes and/or livelihood.  Major hurricanes normally don’t hit the African coast this often.  So to have two major hurricanes slam into Africa in one season is a very rare occurrence indeed.  (bbc.com)

WHICH COMIC BOOK MOVIE IS POISED TO BREAK ALL THE BOX OFFICE RECORDS THIS WEEKEND?  IS THE ANSWER HELLBOY?  DAMMIT, I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS TRIVIA THING – Avengers:  Endgame comes out this weekend and most experts predict it will shatter most first weekend box office records around the world and maybe even gross over $1 billion worldwide in one weekend.  I’m pretty sure everyone is at the theatres this moment, so I’ll just stop typing and wish everyone good luck in getting a ticket to the movie.  (deadline.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

ALL HAIL KHALID!  KING OF POP MUSIC AND PATRON SAINT OF EL PASO – Khalid has been having a hell of a year so far with a number one album and a co-headlining spot on the ever-popular Coachella Festival.  To add to his ever growing list of accomplishments, Time Magazine has just named him to their 100 Most Influential People Of 2019 list.  We wish Khalid good luck on the rest of his year and we’re glad to see him make El Paso proud.  (elpasoinc.com)

WHEN ALL YOU HAVE IS INCOMPETENCE, EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A POTENTIAL DRAINAGE POND – Many cities around the world, that get massive amounts of rain, deal with storm water with many tools that do not include massive drainage ponds.  It is ironic that a desert city like El Paso has perhaps the highest number per capita of drainage ponds in the whole wide world – and they don’t even bother turning them into park ponds or open space!  In fact, El Paso Water Utilities has built so many drainage ponds that there is one behind you at this very minute looking over your shoulder.  So it’s no surprise that they are planning yet another massive drainage pond in Northeast El Paso – off Dyer – and want to use eminent domain to buy up the four remaining properties needed to create their precious pond.  Heaven forbid their new drainage pond be reduced from 250 acres to 249 acres, that would throw off their careful calculations and require even more drainage ponds to be built in the area to compensate for the change.  So if you are looking for an easy job, just apply with El Paso Water Utilities.  The entire job consists of answering ‘DRAINAGE POND’ to every question and then digging holes in the ground.  (cbs4local.com)

HAPPY 5OTH ANNIVERSARY, EPCC!  UTEP’S LITTLE BROTHER IS A LITTLE BIT OLDER, BUT WE ALL KNOW HE’S STILL GOING TO CELEBRATE AT ONE OF THE DOUCHEBARS IN THE EASTSIDE’S GEORGE DIETER/ZARAGOZA DOUCHEMUDA TRIANGLE – In honor of El Paso Community College’s 50 years of existence, the El Paso Museum of History will be hosting an exhibition covering the college’s past and legacy.  So if you’ve ever wondered how the most drunktastic college in the world got its start, look no further than the museum’s El Paso Community College’s 50^th Anniversary: Honoring the Past, Building the Future exhibit.  The display starts this Friday, April 19; so go check it out.  Don’t tell UTEP, but we’ve always considered EPCC to be the cool brother.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

THERE’S A HUNCHBACK JOKE SOMEWHERE IN HERE, BUT WE’LL BE CLASSY AND KEEP QUIET – In what was a very shocking and transfixing scene, fire tore through the centuries old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris on Monday and destroyed the entire roof and spire of the cathedral.  Luckily, firefighters managed to contain most of the blaze after they got to the scene and the fact that the rest of the building is made of stone helped in keeping the fire from spreading.  So even though the damage is quite severe, nobody died in the blaze and that’s the best outcome anyone can hope for in a situation like this.  And don’t worry about Notre Dame, as we speak millions are being pledged by people around the world and renovation plans are already underway.  The new Notre Dame will be more spectacular and will hopefully not include a highly flammable roof made of wood. (bbc.com)

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE ‘BUBBLE BOY’ DISEASE, THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU NOW HAVE HIV – Scientists have developed a new way to treat and cure severe combined immunodeficiency (‘bubble boy’ disease) by using a modified HIV virus.  Normally, children born with this disease would have to be placed in a sterile environment – a ‘bubble’ – immediately after being born or risk dying of infection.  The new treatment process involves collecting bone marrow immediately after the child is born and fixing the genetic defect in their DNA.  Then the modified gene is placed into an altered HIV virus (not the real disease-causing virus, so don’t worry) and this is used to change the genetic defect in the children.  The gene therapy gave eight patients fully functioning immune systems and a chance at a normal life, so it looks like this is a viable cure.  Who said genetically altered organisms are bad?  (bbc.com)

SEEING AS TO HOW HE LIKES TO FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF CORRUPT LEADERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.  MAYBE DONALD TRUMP CAN TAKE A CUE FROM THE EX-PRESIDENT OF PERU – Alan Garcia, ex-president of Peru, was under a corruption investigation that has taken down other politicians involved with Brazilian company Odebrecht and the pressure was building around him the past few weeks.  Rather than be arrested, Alan Garcia decided to shoot himself in the head and avoid the ensuing scandal.  Maybe other corrupt politicians should follow this example and spare the people a lengthy investigation and criminal process.  If only other corrupt dumbasses in positions of power would be inspired by him.  (reuters.com)

 

PASO DEL NORTE-CENTRIC NEWS

THE FIRST RULE OF COMIC CON IS “DON’T STARE AT COSPLAY GIRLS UNCOMFORTABLY” – El Paso Comic Con is back this weekend with more comics, special guests, panels and sexy cosplay.  So be sure to head to Downtown and enjoy the madness that is El Paso Comic Con.  They have Power Rangers this year!  (elpasoinc.com)

THE INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM OF ART NEEDS MONEY.  GO GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY – The beloved art museum on Montana Avenue is asking for donations to beef up their Collections Management fund.  The International Museum of Art was established in the 1940s and is the forerunner of the El Paso Museum of Art in Downtown El Paso.  The museum is a very important non-profit in the El Paso area that provides a great art collection to the public and that also does a good job of showcasing local art.  So hit up their IndieGoGo page and drop them a few dimes.  (elpasoheraldpost.com)

LET’S BRING A CHAMPIONSHIP TO EL PASO! – Good luck to the El Paso Rhinos hockey team and the Bel Air and San Elizario (boys and girls) futball teams as they all look to advance in their respective tournaments this weekend.  The El Paso Rhinos will be looking at repeating as Thorne Cup champions while the high school futball teams will look at reaching the final four of the state tournament – which will be held next week.  We’re all rooting for you and, win or lose, you have made us all proud.  GO HIGHLANDERHINAGLES! (elpasoheraldpost.com / ktsm.com)

REST OF THE WORLD-CENTRIC NEWS

SUDAN IS MOVING ALONG WITH ITS BLOODLESS REVOLUTION RATHER QUICKLY.  BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK IT MIGHT JUST HAVE THE MOST PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT IN AFRICA – After more than 3 decades of rule, Omar al-Bashir has been removed from power as a result of a military coup encouraged by months of protests by the masses.  The people of Sudan have been protesting since December due to the collapse of the country’s economy and the worsening conditions that have been felt by everyone since the latter part of 2018.  Even though a new military government has been set up, people are still protesting on the street and have vowed to keep it up until reforms are implemented and a full democratic government is put in place.  Hopefully this will be a turning point for Sudan and the start of a new, more democratic chapter for the country.  (bbc.com)

EVEN THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION IS SHRUGGING ITS SHOULDERS OVER THE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO.  SURE, IT’S KILLED HUNDREDS, BUT AT LEAST IT HASN’T SPREAD TO ANOTHER COUNTRY – The World Health Organization has said that although the ebola outbreak in DR Congo is severe, it is not yet at the level of a global health emergency.  Over 700 people have died since last August in the northeast portion of the country due to the virus, but because of the borderline civil war in the area it is incredibly difficult to properly render aid in the region.  The same conflict, however, has created an environment with poor infrastructure and population movement that also makes it hard for the virus to spread to other regions.  So while the people that are trapped there are royally fucked, the danger seems to be contained to this specific geographical area.  So much like the WHO, all we can do is just shrug our shoulders and hope for a best case scenario in the outbreak.  (bbc.com)

EL PASO SAND TAKES VACATION TO MINNESOTA AND ELOPES WITH SNOW – In quirky weather news, the massive storm that created the high winds and dust storms in the Paso Del Norte region earlier this week hit with such force that the desert sand was carried all the way to Minnesota and Canada.  The same system also created spring snow storms up north that had a special surprise in each flake.  It appears that the precipitation fell as ‘dirty snow’ with flakes embedded with desert sand.  So now there are little pieces of El Paso randomly scattered across Minnesota and the Great White North.  Weather is weird.  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)